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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DS17 smoking

15 replies

DalaiLlama · 04/02/2023 14:16

Any tips on how to address this? I am 99.9% sure that DS is smoking (cigarettes not vape)- fag ash on his bedroom window sill and an empty packet shoved to the bottom of the bin. Only just found this so haven't done or said anything yet.

WWYD? I'm gutted. I was a smoker, started about the same age, and I know how bad it is for you. Don't know whether to hit the roof or talk to him calmly. He gets an allowance to cover everything (clothes etc) so I suspect he's been using some of that for the fags.

Any advice gratefully received.

OP posts:
gettingalifttothestation · 04/02/2023 14:21

At 17 he should have a job
Nothing you say will make much difference but he won't be so keen to spend his hard earned cash on fags.

NCcantthinkofanewone · 04/02/2023 14:22

Calmly. Hitting the roof will make things worse.

Does he work? You can say you aren't giving him money for cigarettes he'd have to pay for these himself.

I would also say he needs to smoke outside and dispose of correctly

hidingbehindascreen · 04/02/2023 14:22

gettingalifttothestation · 04/02/2023 14:21

At 17 he should have a job
Nothing you say will make much difference but he won't be so keen to spend his hard earned cash on fags.

That's not the most helpful suggestion is it?

Tukmgru · 04/02/2023 14:25

Calmly is right - it’s difficult. I started at 13 and haven’t quit some 20 years later. It’s probably going to kill me, but my parents hitting the roof wouldn’t have made me quit, and would have probably damaged our relationship in the long term. They snipe at me a little about it now and it still gets my hackles up.

The cost of the things compared to when I started probably will do it for him, if it’s any consolation! Any smoking is bad, of course, but if it’s only a year or two the likelihood of serious damage is RELATIVELY low.

Andrelaxzz · 04/02/2023 14:25

Does he get any money from you? If he does o would calmly say that you know he smokes and that because you care about his health you are not giving him money again. Say he when he wants to stop you will help.

Ruffpuff · 04/02/2023 14:30

Stop the allowance

StephanieandKate · 04/02/2023 14:32

He's 17 so not at an age when being strict is going to benefit him regarding smoking. I would tell him what you have seen (the ash and packet) and that you are there for him if he wants to stop and if he does want to, outline the benefits and options for that.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 04/02/2023 14:34

Tbh I'd outright ban it in the house. It's non negotiable and he is not allowed to smoke in your house.

If he realises how bleak it is to always be outside, freezing and wet to smoke he'll probably go off the idea before he gets hooked

butterfliedtwo · 04/02/2023 14:35

Cut the allowance. There is no way I'd be paying for cigarettes.

butterfliedtwo · 04/02/2023 14:35

And no smoking in the house. Make it difficult for him.

Gemmanorthdevon · 04/02/2023 14:37

Do nothing, other than some calm facts and not to allow it in your home. And leave it at that. He is a young adult. If you kick off over this then how is he going to comfortably disclose anything worse to you? And the potential for a lot worse as a 17 year old lad is huge.

You're already doing the best thing which is not to smoke, it's very likely he is going to follow suit once he realises the repercussions both financial and physical.

Ikeatears · 04/02/2023 14:39

Ds1 has been smoking since a similar age (now nearly 21) Nothing I said made any difference. I have banned him from smoking around me, in the house or in the garden, which he respects. He'd smoke more if he could freely do it around us.

Ihatethenewlook · 04/02/2023 14:47

Gemmanorthdevon · 04/02/2023 14:37

Do nothing, other than some calm facts and not to allow it in your home. And leave it at that. He is a young adult. If you kick off over this then how is he going to comfortably disclose anything worse to you? And the potential for a lot worse as a 17 year old lad is huge.

You're already doing the best thing which is not to smoke, it's very likely he is going to follow suit once he realises the repercussions both financial and physical.

This. There’s literally nothing you can say or do to convince a child/young adult to stop smoking. It literally ruined the relationship between me and my parents when they found out I was smoking. All they did was try to come up with more and more severe punishments to stop me, all it did was make me hate them. I wasn’t allowed to leave my room for a month over the summer holidays once. The first thing I did when I was finally allowed out was smoke, and I got caught within the hour by my mum, who sent me back to my room for 2 months this time. In the end I started refusing to come home after school, I had the police out looking or me every night. I ended up going to live with a relative. I’ve already planned to just advise but accept the fact if any of mine start smoking.

Sarahcoggles · 04/02/2023 14:49

I wouldn't be able to not go ballistic. Parents are allowed feelings too. And I'd stop the allowance straight away.

Original poster
DalaiLlama · 04/02/2023 16:11

thank you, everyone.

I’ve spoken to him calmly. He says he’s only just started and has only ever bought two packs- might not be true but it might as I think I’d have noticed. We had a long talk about all the negatives and he has said he won’t do it again, he was just experimenting. Not sure what to think but we’ve agreed to leave things for now. I’ve explained that if he does carry on I won’t be paying for it so we’ll need to rethink all of that.

I really hope that he’s telling the truth. Honestly thought that the days of teenagers smoking might be over 😔

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