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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Screen addiction

18 replies

TooManyPlatesInMotion · 01/02/2023 16:49

My DS is 12.5 and I am at my wits' end. He is lazy, grumpy, rude, refuses to do anything other the bare minimum of school work . . . . All of which I could deal with but much of it seems to stem from a total obsession with his phone and his xbox, but particularly his phone and watching total rubbish on youtube.

We limit both of these (ie he only gets a certain amount of gaming and internet access a day, which we can and do extend at the weekends, especially if he is gaming with a friend), and he is not allowed either in his bedroom.

He does football and also an afterschool club once a week and goes to church once a week. Other than these activities and school itself, all he wants to do is spend endless time online or gaming.

It is so anti-social and he has the concentration span of a gnat as a result. Any requests to do something else are met with fury from him.

It is really worrying me because he doesn't seem to know what else to do with himself. He will read but only in bed in the evenings. He refuses to read a book or magazine or do anything else in the day that doesn't involve a screen. Even regular TV isn't good enough, though it is better than no screen at all. He won't go out for a walk unless practically dragged out the house. He will do some chores but only if told that the phone and xbox will go if he doesn't.

It is worrying and depressing. I don't know what to do. Do I need to attempt a digital detox?

OP posts:
PortiasBiscuit · 01/02/2023 16:51

You can limit access to YouTube on his phone to a certain time and lock it with a pin.
I know this because I have to do it myself. YouTube is mind crack.

waterrat · 01/02/2023 17:02

What does he do independently? I think at this age kids are motivated by friends and a bit of freedom.though i know its hard to make it happen if they have got in a rut

Ie. Can he be pushed a bit to park after school with friends or a trip to town or swimming with mates at weekend ?

I think its a boredom that drives the whining for screens. Also agree youtube is v addictive. Maybe some cold turkey while he learns some new habits of getting out with mates more ?

TooManyPlatesInMotion · 01/02/2023 17:19

@waterrat he will sometimes go to the park to play a bit of football with friends, or will take a bus and go to the cinema with friends. He has just done a term of secondary school, so still hanging out with friends from primary and also I am encouraging him to put effort into forging some new friendships too.

Swimming is a good idea actually, thanks.

I hate youtube so much at the moment.

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2reefsin30knots · 01/02/2023 17:30

Does he have any hobbies you can ramp up?

My DS is the same age. He's not home from school until 5.30/6pm and his weekends and holidays are almost all filled with his sport, which is outdoors and time consuming. As he doesn't have much time left over, I'm not bothered if he then spends it gaming and watching crap.

If your DS already does a sport, maybe you could sign him up for a more involved team or more sessions? Or if he plays an instrument?

TooManyPlatesInMotion · 01/02/2023 17:34

@2reefsin30knots he is quite reluctant to take new things up and the difficulty is that we both work and so can't easily get him to activities after school. He does chess club through school and I am pushing him to take up at least one more club via the school. There is plenty of choice and I think if he gave another thing a go he would enjoy it, but it is taking that first step.

He loves his saturday football and I have suggested he take up another sport, as long as he can get himself there from school during the week, including navigating the public transport as we're in London.

Music is also a tricky one. We have offered many times, but his dad is a musician and so DS has kind of reacted against that and flat refused in the past. I have left the door open with that though.

OP posts:
2reefsin30knots · 01/02/2023 17:47

I suppose the question is what would you like him to be doing instead of watching youtube? What do you see him spending the time doing instead?

Then, secondly, how can you encourage that?

With the football, if he got into a more competitive squad would there not be several practises a week- later in the evening so after work for you? (Sorry, I know nothing about football).

ac1974 · 02/02/2023 22:21

I could've written this myself; not much to add but I really do send my sympathy. We have exactly the same challenges, I can really relate.

TooManyPlatesInMotion · 03/02/2023 11:42

@2reefsin30knots thank you, this is a really good way of looking at it, ie what do I envisage him doing instead and how can I encourage it. I would like to see him do some more sport, for sure, and that is going to be an easier win than getting him to read books in daylight hours, so I will give that some thought.

@ac1974 sorry to hear that you're dealing with similar issues! It is so frustrating and draining. I fundamentally don't get it - I don't get the appeal of youtube or any of it. What's wrong with lying on your bed reading a book?!

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Libre2 · 03/02/2023 13:50

Oh my word - honestly apart from the age (14) mine is exactly the same, down to dad musician (music teacher in fact, and DD - 12 - is fully signed up - DS does nothing although we have persuaded him to do drums once a week with a friend of ours, but he does NO practice) and going to church once a week.

But yes, yes, yes to the total addiction. I have no answers, I do not get it either. He used to read, he used to draw, he is now totally addicted. Also won't watch TV with us, it has to be Youtube or Xbox. He was relatively bright at primary but now does the bare minimum. Drives me crazy. He was into a fairly niche sport at one point, now he goes one evening a week, and that's a battle. He's given up Scouts, he's given up any form of after-school stuff.

On the other hand, when he's engaged, he's funny and fun and lovely and he comes out for a dog walk with me still, every evening, which I'm grateful for, despite the fact that he regales me with tales of the latest tic-tok he's seen. #dull. He's doing OK at school - not brilliant, but OK, he's still going, he's generally pleasant with us and his sister, he's kind to the animals, and he's sharp, and bright, and funny and I just have to hold on to those things and hope he'll come back from it. Every time we try and talk about screen time it causes a massive issue. We can't even take his phone away as he has to have it for monitoring blood sugar (diabetes) so we feel a bit scuppered.

Anyway, I have no suggestions but just a huge dollop of solidarity.

Lovetotravel123 · 03/02/2023 14:03

Wow. This is exactly the same in our house. I have banned all screens for the next week so that he can be bored and rediscover other interests. Will watch the thread for other ideas.

TooManyPlatesInMotion · 03/02/2023 21:41

@Libre2 yes, even TV is not enough, only the xbox or youtube. He occasionally waves his phone in my face when he can see I'm doing sonething else and expects a show of interest in whatever mind numbing crap is on there.

My DS will also join for a dog walk and will leave his phone at home for that, and is positively pleasant and polite in church; like a different child.

Similarly, also a very academically bright boy, but will do everything as fast as he can, not show workings of check answers and all because he wants to get back online ASAP.

I'm considering taking phone and xbox away entirely for a bit to just see whst he does and give him time to go a bit bonkers and get through it, but I dread his reaction tbh... The shouting and sulking.

In the meantime, I'm scouring local clubs and workshops for something new that might spark interest.

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MsLumley · 04/02/2023 15:50

No advice but just offering a handhold - my 13 year old DS is exactly the same. Permanently has his phone in his hand, takes it to the loo, watches it when he’s walking to school, having breakfast…it’s relentless. Combination of YouTube and TikTok. Both utter shite which I wish had never been invented.

In typical addict behaviour, he vehemently denies that he’s addicted.

BHRK · 04/02/2023 15:58

Solidarity but with a younger DS. I do control screen time but it causes huge arguments

jojogilbert · 13/02/2023 15:59

There is a free webinar that could help.. poweringupparents.eventbrite.co.uk

TooManyPlatesInMotion · 13/02/2023 17:10

Thank you @jojogilbert

OP posts:
Treehouseofficial · 28/03/2023 20:31

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Hbradley · 28/03/2023 20:44

I feel your pain. We had no idea that we would have to parent through all this. I find it really tough and sad. He sounds like he’s doing ok so hold onto the small wins.

some people don’t seem concerned about screen time and they don’t even bother with the battle. But like you, I need to ‘try’ to help.

ive started to bribe my 12 year old son (with nice tv snacks) to watch ‘decent’ tv shows on bbc. Bad education, and now race across the world. They need to be good snacks to make him put his phone down and stop watching the bloody side men on YouTube!!!!

Libre2 · 28/03/2023 21:18

We are still here - still addicted but DS did bet us £30 that he could do a week screen free. I took the bet as I figured money was safe - and he bloody did it. It was lovely! He did so much drum practice and read three books over the week, helped DH decorate the kitchen, walked the dog. It gave me an insight into how life would have been if gaming/smart phones hadn’t been invented. He’s now back on as addicted as ever. Sad times.

Our non-negotiable is no screens in bed and he does read before sleep. Small wins.

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