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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

19 y o son left home after we confronted him about drugs

20 replies

Sondrugissue · 31/01/2023 20:34

Ds has been getting more and more out of hand. Lazy and rude but typical teen stuff where we have dealt with each issue and things were ok till 5 months ago.

He started smoking weed. We could smell it on him and spoke to him about it. Last week we came back early from a weekend away and found him in the house smoking ! We told him never again. He did it again. He then left and hasn’t come back he messaged to say he’s an adult and had a right to do what he wanted in his home - but it’s our house !!! We have a younger dd we can’t put her at risk.

worried I’ve now lost my ds or will he one day realise we were right ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Sondrugissue · 31/01/2023 20:37

He’s really tried to turn it round and manipulate things. Saying we had no right to stop him doing what he wanted with his body ? It’s like he genuinely believes we have somehow breached his human rights

OP posts:
redbigbananafeet · 31/01/2023 20:38

Leave him to it. Leave your keys in the back of the lock so he can't get in. See how long he lasts.

Comefromaway · 31/01/2023 20:40

Several of ds’s friends have smoked in the past or still smoke weed but even they draw the line at in the house. You are well within your right to have done what you did.

if it were my son I would try not to be judgmental and try to educate him on the dangers and my fears for him but ultimately as an adult it’s their body. However inside my house, no f way!

Original poster
Sondrugissue · 31/01/2023 20:40

Yes you’re right , I need to prioritise dd . He’s an adult he knows the difference between right and wrong really I think he’s trying to guilt us somehow that we breached his rights in his home

OP posts:
Comefromaway · 31/01/2023 20:42

It’s your home though and we’re he to move out he would probably be breaching a tenancy agreement even if he was paying rent.

Hillrunning · 31/01/2023 20:45

Well he isn't wrong, he is an adult and can do what he wants with his body. You get to set the rules in your house, so he made and adult decision to live elsewhere. Your problem no longer exists.

Original poster
Sondrugissue · 31/01/2023 20:46

Hillrunning · 31/01/2023 20:45

Well he isn't wrong, he is an adult and can do what he wants with his body. You get to set the rules in your house, so he made and adult decision to live elsewhere. Your problem no longer exists.

Yes we said to him he knows the risks for himself we just never want it in the house

OP posts:
TangledWebOfDeception · 31/01/2023 20:46

No. He doesn’t get to throw his weight around like that.

You need to channel Judge Judy:

As long as you live under my roof, I own the air you breathe.

maddy68 · 31/01/2023 21:01

Firstly. ..weed is not this awful thing. He hasn't murdered anyone. But you are right that he doesn't smoke in your home.

That's his decision. If he wants to smoke he needs to go elsewhere

xJoyPeaceHealthx · 31/01/2023 21:06

I wonder if it's worth it. All day every day and the freedom to smoke weed but having to fund the roof he lives under... presumably
I dont think "no drugs" is unreasonable boundary. I've a 19 and 16 year old and I would not be happy with this.

Hillrunning · 31/01/2023 21:13

Sondrugissue · 31/01/2023 20:46

Yes we said to him he knows the risks for himself we just never want it in the house

Show quote history

So the problem you posted about, no longer exists.

Original poster
Sondrugissue · 31/01/2023 21:15

maddy68 · 31/01/2023 21:01

Firstly. ..weed is not this awful thing. He hasn't murdered anyone. But you are right that he doesn't smoke in your home.

That's his decision. If he wants to smoke he needs to go elsewhere

Yes i feel we were firm but relaxed about it we said you know it’s not good for you you know the risks but at the end of the day it’s your choice just not in this house

OP posts:
twoandcooplease · 31/01/2023 21:17

It's one thing to yes ok ma'am then have a sneaky joint outside but in your house!!

VerveClique · 31/01/2023 21:22

I think I’d be making him aware of county lines and child trafficking as well.

Weed can be harmless.

But it can also led to lethargy, depression, paranoia and just a general lack of get-up-and-go. And hanging out with other weed-smoking friends.

I know far too many parents who’ve been very ‘relaxed’ about this. It’s only weed. It’s only dropping out of college. If only they’d get a job. They’ve applied for so many things and they can’t get a job. They’re in debt. Their mental health is all over the place. It’s only a bit of speed. It’s only a bit of smack/meth.

catastrophising here but the above is true from my experience.

It’s a hard no, early doors from me.

KittyCatChat · 31/01/2023 21:24

Nope, I'm a really relaxed mum. However, no drugs or smoking in my house.

I know he's 19, but he is an adult. Let him get on with it. I say this with 4 boys, 20, 22, 28.and 32. None who smoke or take drugs.

... and no, I'm not stupid. I do know my children. I also wouldn't mind a little experimental drug use. But this is out and out disrespect.

Snoken · 31/01/2023 21:27

maddy68 · 31/01/2023 21:01

Firstly. ..weed is not this awful thing. He hasn't murdered anyone. But you are right that he doesn't smoke in your home.

That's his decision. If he wants to smoke he needs to go elsewhere

It kind of can be awful if you look at the bigger picture. Before the drugs have reached OPs house it will probably have been picked by children forced into the drug trade, it will have lined the pockets of multiple drug dealers/smugglers, some young kid in the UK will most likely have been forced/coerced into selling it on and been forced to give most of the profit away to the man who supplied him but is too scared to get caught.

a lot of people say weed is no worse than alcohol, which is maybe the case for the user, but the whole drugs industry is truly rotten and not something anyone should support.

Zodfa · 31/01/2023 21:52

Well, if he wants to get uppity about rights tell him you absolutely have the right to set boundaries for what does and does not take place on your property. And also that cannabis is a controlled substance under UK law and he absolutely does not have the legal right to possess it in your house or anywhere else, regardless of what he or anyone else may think of the morality of that.

Siriusmuggle · 31/01/2023 22:38

Snoken · 31/01/2023 21:27

It kind of can be awful if you look at the bigger picture. Before the drugs have reached OPs house it will probably have been picked by children forced into the drug trade, it will have lined the pockets of multiple drug dealers/smugglers, some young kid in the UK will most likely have been forced/coerced into selling it on and been forced to give most of the profit away to the man who supplied him but is too scared to get caught.

a lot of people say weed is no worse than alcohol, which is maybe the case for the user, but the whole drugs industry is truly rotten and not something anyone should support.

Show quote history

Absolutely. A 15 year old was stabbed to death near here over a £30 drug debt. That’s the reality of “it’s just a bit of weed”. My 19 year old knows it’s a non negotiable for us. A family member died linked to drug use which started with weed. Far from harmless in so many ways.

Maray1967 · 21/03/2023 13:28

Zodfa · 31/01/2023 21:52

Well, if he wants to get uppity about rights tell him you absolutely have the right to set boundaries for what does and does not take place on your property. And also that cannabis is a controlled substance under UK law and he absolutely does not have the legal right to possess it in your house or anywhere else, regardless of what he or anyone else may think of the morality of that.

Exactly this. If my 22 year old came out with this ‘defence’ of his ‘rights’ I’d be packing his bags.

He needs to grow up. He won’t want to admit defeat just yet - but he is 19, not 15 - he’s an adult.

Weallgottachangesometime · 21/03/2023 14:55

I think you’ve taken the right approach.

Personally I wouldn’t get drawn into conversations about his rights, etc. I’d stick with “You are right you are an adult who can make your own choices and do with you body what you want. However this is our house and we will not have smoking inside. If you want to do that you will have to find elsewhere to live”.

Id try to keep lines of communication open, continue to loving and show care, but hold firm on your boundary.

He sounds like he’s having a teenage tantrum. Rights come with responsibilities. He wants the right to smoke week he has the responsibility to rent somewhere he can do that.

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