17 year old daughter is "extremely sensitive" to how her clothes look on her

JanuaryBlues2023 · 31/01/2023 13:52

My daughter 17 is the exact opposite which is also problematic as she has absolutely no interest in her clothes or appearance whatsoever.

This sounds extremely unhealthy. Its one thing to stress over an outfit before going out somewhere special or going somewhere new but its the getting changed several times a day and being so debilitated that she is missing school and unable to leave the house that would be red flags for me. Is she also overly invested in social media?

picklemewalnuts · 31/01/2023 13:53

Sounds like a manifestation of anxiety, control issues, maybe.

How does she feel about missing events because of this?

Crucially the answer isn't 'I need more outfits'. There's an underlying issue she needs help with.

NowThatIThink · 31/01/2023 13:58

I believe her when she says it is her lack of an outfit that ruined these things

But that isn't true, is it? Her disproportionately anxious and emotional response to what she is wearing is what ruined these things. She needs help, not extra clothes.

wejammin · 31/01/2023 14:02

Not a teenager, but my 8 year old daughter is like this as well, and has been since she was around 5. Her brother is autistic and whilst I don't think my daughter would be diagnosed, she is definitely neurodiverse to some degree and I think her issue is social anxiety which manifests itself in needing to look and feel 'right'.
She is extremely adamant about what things can be worn together and has to have 2 or more of everything because, for example, she wouldn't wear something pink or flowery with a blue coat or shoes because one is 'girly' and one is 'boyish'. She's not got this from me at all.
My sister, who is diagnosed autistic, was also like this as a child and still is to some extent, but she had other difficulties too that made a diagnosis possible.
Sadly I have no answers. I just try and be patient and understanding.

Original poster

fatherof4 · 31/01/2023 14:49

Sorry - I wrote that badly. I completely agree: " Her disproportionately anxious and emotional response to what she is wearing is what ruined these things"

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Strongboat · 31/01/2023 14:57

Could she have Body Dysmorphic Disorder?

Bunnyannesummers · 31/01/2023 18:05

In terms of practical short term help - has she got a fail safe outfit she always likes? Can she get a couple of versions of it, don’t have it in the regular wardrobe and then when she’s having a bad day she can just go to that, hopefully stop her missing out? A friend with severe body issues does this and it takes away a lot of anxiety as she knows she had a back up.

Rollergirl11 · 31/01/2023 23:15

Sounds to me like it could be body dysmorphia. So she actually hates how she looks in the clothes? My daughter has severe body dysmorphia which spiralled in to Anorexia during lockdown. I would say your DD needs help, probably in the form of therapy/CBT or something like that.

Original poster

fatherof4 · 01/02/2023 09:03

Thank you for your comments. Very helpful, I think the answer to my initial question is that this is not usual behaviour and that I should try to get her some help about it (either a pyschologist / therapist or to encourage her to have some coping strategies like have a "go to outfit that works"). Thank you all.

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DelphiniumBlue · 01/02/2023 09:25

fatherof4 · 31/01/2023 13:46

My 17 year old daughter loves clothes. Has tonnes of them. She takes a long time to decide what to wear each day (no uniform in her school) and changes 4-5 times a day. She describes herself as being "extremely sensitive to how my clothes look on me" and three times in the last 3 months she has been so incapacitated by not being able to find the right outfit that she has refused to leave the house and been in floods of tears. She missed school, a party with friends and a date with her regular boyfriend. I believe her when she says it is her lack of an outfit that ruined these things. Neither myself, my wife, sister, mum or other daughter, or my sons, have anything like this issue with clothes (to a fault in my case) and so my question (apart from any general advice) is: do other teenagers go through this and do they get better / find ways to manage it? Or should I seek help for her?

Thanks!

I was like this from the age of about 5 and it got worse as I got older. Even now ( and I am 60+) I still change clothes during the day of I am changing activities. To be wearing inappropriate clothes for the job in hand or to wear something which is unflattering would spoil the occasion for me. I have certainly been in tears and late on numerous occasions becauseI can't decide what to wear.
My mum used to get really annoyed when I was living at home and thought t was vanity. It was to some extent, but more to do with self-esteem and confidence. I felt ( and still do ) that wearing the wrong clothes would be signalling ineptitude and weirdness. I'm also very sensitive to feel, lots of things are too itchy etc.
What helped was getting my wardrobe sorted so that I had a go -to outfit for every event, and getting a sort of uniform together, so that I know that if I'm wearing these jeans, then if the wether is x, I wear these shoes/tops.
There is a book, "The curated closet" which is great for helping establishing your own style and setting up a uniform to make dressing easier.
I know the ultimate goal would be to care less about these things, and personally I am much better than I used to be, but I don't know how you would help someone care less, other than trying to build their confidence generally.

I might suggest encouraging them to minimise their wardrobe _ too much choice just adds to the burden - and get rid of anything that doesn't work personally. So if she' s rejecting certain items, support her to get rid of them once she's worked out why they don't work for her/for the specific occasion. And to be more fussy about what she buys in the first place. List criteria - fit, comfort, colour, flatteringness , working with existing wardrobe -that the items need to fulfil before she shops.
Good luck!

Original poster

fatherof4 · 01/02/2023 09:45

@DelphiniumBlue thank you! Very helpful. I will show my daughter this as i think it will help.

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Suprima · 01/02/2023 09:51

Can she look on social media for capsule wardrobes and maybe you order some bits that you know will look right together?

go through her wardrobe- stick what she hates on Vinted and curate some outfits together.

it might be a good coping strategy to have 3-4 go-to ‘safe’ outfits that she takes photos of, stores in her phone, ready to be put on.

waterrat · 01/02/2023 11:00

My daughter is autistic and this sounds familiar. Essentially this is a form of crippling anxiety. Look at CBT

Could she be encouraged to recognise it as anxiety that is settling itself on the outfit rather than believing this is something to be solved through clothes ?

Essentially under this worry there is a deeper more essential fear...of being humiliated or judged or standing out....could she try snd tap inzo what the deeper worry is.

I would suggest counselling or cbt

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 01/02/2023 11:07

I have a 17yo dd and she loves clothes, has a bulging wardrobe, spends time putting outfits together etc. Occasionally, she'll decide that she doesn't like what she is wearing and she will do a last minute change before going out.

I can't imagine a situation when she would ever let concern about her outfit get in the way of her doing the stuff that she wants to do, though. That's quite concerning in my view, as her anxiety is clearly limiting what she does. I think it would be worth seeking help if she would be willing to engage with it.

purpledalmation · 01/02/2023 11:55

Sounds out of the ordinary and due to anxiety.

Greatly · 01/02/2023 11:59

This is a manifestation of anxiety and nothing to do with the clothes.