My daughter is a pathological liar

[Mumto4kid]

I’m really struggling with my 15 year old daughter. Her “friend” has messaged saying my daughter has been really horrible to her and making fake accounts telling her to die. I asked my girl and she denied everything. But got sent the screen shots so tried the forgot password link and went straight to her phone so knew it was her. I’ve looked at everything on there and I’m fuming and upset. She’s told her friends I’ve kicked her out, her step dad (which is her real dad!) attacks her, I’ve put her in foster care, she cuts herself ( I’ve looked over and she has little scratches on top of her arm but not cuts) she now lives with her brother (which is 8 so obviously don’t) this is all lies. One minute she’s all happy next she’s causing trouble with everyone. Telling people I buy her vapes ( I don’t!) and she’s now smoking cigarettes as she’s run out (would never let her smoke!) she’s obsessed with causing trouble with her friends, trying to split everyone up, giving my husbands number to his ex from 17 years ago! Telling people how she would love to stab this other person. I’m at my wits end. I’m going doctors with her tomorrow but I just don’t know what to do.

That sounds terribly distressing for you, I'm so sorry. I can't tell you what to do but it sounds like she is really acting out for some reason and is definitely needing some help and to find out what is at the bottom of this behaviour.

Does she know you have seen the screenshots etc

I'd sit down with her and have a deep talk. Perhaps somewhere nice but private away from home and see what's going on in her life.

One of the main manifestations, in my not at all medical but lived experience in my own family, of Borderline Personality Disorder is them lying about everything. So lying about big stuff, small stuff, important stuff or totally pointless stuff, telling lies on top of lies, telling 6 lies when 1 bit of truth would be easier. Telling lies when they know they will be easily found out, telling 5 different lies and thinking it a victory if they only get found out in 4 of them. It’s exhausting it gets to the point where if they said it’s raining you look out of the window to check. If you read up about it you’ll find it’s most commonly diagnosed in the teenage years or as a young adult. Going to the GP is definitely the best first step. Good luck!

Definitely need to see GP.

I had a sister like this. She never changed.

Borderline personality disorder.
Please come back and tell us what the doctor says. X

My school best mate did similar.

Carried on into adult life and she ended up alone with kids and everyone distanced from her. Quite sad.

Get her therapy.

This is so extreme, she definitely needs some counselling. What did she seem like before you knew? Has she said why she does it?

She knows know I have everything. Doctors Monday morning not tomorrow it’s Sunday 🙄

My Dd was like this. She was diagnosed with ASD actually. She still lies about things, but she’s much calmer now.

Well done, OP

Dd would send messages to people telling them to die and once called a charity helpline saying she was being abused and had no bed (we had ordered a new bed as she’d broken her last one so had dismantled it and the new one was coming the next day). She didn’t admit there was a spare bedroom upstairs for her to sleep in.

She even threatened to contact my DH’s ex (her stepdad) - so v similar behaviour!

She would call 999 after rows with her boyfriend.

It’s good you’re taking her to see a professional now. I have a school friend who was diagnosed with BPD around the same age and she had similar behaviours and dramas. But she’s been on medication since then and is a totally normal and fully functional adult with a lovely family of her own now, a degree and a career. You would have no idea unless you knew her closely as a teen.

Hopefully DD will get a clear diagnosis so you can all move forward, just try and stay supportive of her as this isn’t who she is as a person, it’s her unbalanced brain chemistry compelling her actions.

It’s good to consider different possibilities: it could be BPD, but it’s a very serious condition I wouldn’t assume on the basis of just lies.

The thing with lies is that they create a barrier. They mean no one can see the ‘real’ you so if they don’t like you it’s OK, because it’s not really you. She won’t necessarily be thinking of that of course, it’s more subconscious than that.

And like anything else lying can quickly become a habit. It’s good you’re going to speak to professional. But while it could be the sign of something serious it could also be an indication of something not right but very much within the realms of normal.

If a lie brings someone sympathy and attention those things can be extremely alluring and the temptation can be to keep doing it. Plus lies do get out of control - I remember a funny one form years ago where someone didn’t want to admit the mud on their trousers was from falling over so claimed their dog jumped up at them but then a dog enthusiast colleague was desperate to know about the dog and the lie grew until the dog had to be ‘killed off.’ Obviously that’s a daft example but it has happened in more serious instances too.

I wish you well