How to keep teen safe? What do you do?

[GreensAreGoodForYou]

How do you keep your teens safe in terms of going out on their own or with friends?

I can’t figure out how to help my (15 year old) be independent without feeling like I might be allowing her into risky situations. (Soon to be living in London suburb, for location reference. But she has grown up in the countryside so isn’t a city kid. I grew up in London but things were very different then.)

Should she be allowed to take her 11 year old sister to the park? (Thinking yes?)

Should she be able to go into town on her own or only with a friend?

After dark - I take her wherever she’s going and pick her up?

Any tips or advice for helping kids stay safe? Alarms? GPS on phone? Apps? Or am I being paranoid?!

thank you!

I would say yes to all those things but also be having conversations about what you do if you encounter trouble or feel unsafe.
we have location finding on DDs phone; she’s very against it but it gives us a sense of reassurance. She will go out in the dark until 7pm (to go somewhere not hang around the streets)

of course she should be allowed to take her sister to the park, her sister should be able to go to the park by herself, and of course she should be allowed in town by herself, but yes pick her up if it's dark

Phone tracker

Plus there are several apps out there

Teach her how to be safe and what to do if she feels unsafe

It's important she learns this for her independence - terrifying for you tho

Terrifying is right! Although I feel silly because I went to the park/to school etc on my own with one year older sister from around 8 years old. But I feel like now I hardly even SEE kids younger than 12 out on their own. An occasional school boy on his way home maybe but that’s it. Or maybe kids look older than back in the 80s?! 👀

We’ve always discussed scenarios and who to approach for help etc. I don’t want to terrify either of them but I also want them to know to fight like hell and scream/shout if needs be.

I’ll look into apps as I think that would really help for my peace of mind! I want them both to be confident and independent but I am s#*t scared of what could happen too!

Thanks for your responses!

i'm not trying to be rude or offend you, but i genuinely think you're babying them too much, they're 15 and 11

No offence taken! Actually it’s quite calming to read that 🤣 Makes me realise I’m being paranoid about teens in the city.

Both of them have grown up in a rural area, no shop or cafe to walk to (nearest place to visit is about 20 miles away), no bus service nearby either. So they HAVE grown up babied, in the sense that they have had to be driven to school, I haven’t asked them to nip to the shops to buy milk, they haven’t met friends in the park etc. They’d probably survive better than other kids if dropped in a forest and left to fend for themselves but that’s unlikely!

So they are not streetwise yet. Thing is that I was also so scared as a kid growing up in London. I was petrified walking alone after dark and still am in London. Got flashed at several times as a teen, followed home twice (different men). But the fear really came from a horrible police film they showed us at school (Stranger Danger) in the 70s. Gave me horrible nightmares and I was only 7! After that I was terrified of any stranger, even when I was with my mum! I don’t want to pass on that fear (which they don’t have - they’re both really happy outside after dark but this is in the countryside). I hate how it immobilized me. I would avoid parties or whatever if it meant walking home in the dark on my own. I got over it in my 20s in a different country, but those feelings come back in London.

So that’s the back story. But it’s great to know that I’m being overprotective and should just relax! Albeit after making sure they know what to do if something does come up. And I will be getting a safety app! Thank you!

I agree with PP that you are babying them ... but I understand why you are posting.

My teen DC have lived all their lives in a (small) city - they would go to the park, local shop, school, play out alone from age 9. From 11 they were getting the bus into the city centre to meet friends. From older teen age 15/16 they were pretty much independent. I wouldn't automatically go and pick them up just because it was dark - the key thing is for them to work out how they were getting home e.g. if it's a short/walk cycle and not very late they would probably make their own way. If it was midnight and 6 miles away I'd expect them to stay over or to organise to be picked up or (from later teens) get a taxi if both of these not possible.

My DC's same age cousins have lived rurally all their lives in a place that sounds similar to you. They are driven everywhere and, because all their friends are a good drive away, they are very limited to what they can do other than school/planned activities. So I can understand how your DC have got to the age they have and for you to be worrying over what should be simple things.

The good news is, your DC are probably keen to have some independence, and this is more scary for you, than them :)

Controversial but she has an iPhone and her location tracking is always on. She knows it's on as it's for her safety as well as my reassurance. It's a mutual trust. I will check in on her location a few times when she is out.

As a thought is there a local self defence classes locally? Some martial art schools run these a couple of times a year aimed how to keep safe and what to do should you get yourself situation

Life360 for reassurance and so you can help them out if they get lost. Like today my 12 year old was walking on his own and turned off one street too early. He then rang me saying he didn't know where he was. I could instantly tell him he was only round the corner and just needed to turn again. Would have been very hard to work out where he was from an explanation.
Also getting in good habits of always keeping in touch if your plans change etc. The more responsible they show themselves to be ie coming back when they said they would, keeping in touch, the more you can trust them and give them more freedom. It's a gradual thing.

How old are you OP? I wouldn't say the danger profile is much changed in London as far as teens are concerned if you are talking about living in a fairly safe suburb and your kids aren't in any context where they might have friend or family proximity to 'gang' type scenarios.

Common sense applies as in 'if mugged, give up your stuff', 'Try to avoid being on your own looking up directions on your phone somewhere unfamiliar after dark' etc.

DC is 14, goes into central London alone in the daytime and sometimes after dark with friends, but not late evening, eg they'd always be coming back on a busy tube, out of a busy station and walking down and fairly busy high street for 5 minutes to get home. So some things may depend on how near your transport hub is and how busy the route home from there is.

We don't use tracking apps, as neither DC nor DH and I like them but I know a lot of people are fine with them and some kids would rather have them or not - DC has occasionally got lost while out with friends and navigated back on track with google or the (very good) walking maps that can be found around central London now.

Do teach them to have volume on and to answer calls/messages - DC is not good at this!

Teach her some sensible precautions

don’t walk around on your phone or with earbuds in. Be aware of your surroundings.

make sensible choices , so don’t go upstairs in the bus and sit on the back seat, sit downstairs, dont get into an empty tube carriage, choose one with other people in it.

walk on the side of the street that has the houses, not the park.

stand up tall, look confident.

if someone catcalls you ignore them, plenty of time to make snippy remarks back when you are older.

trust your instincts, walk away if you feel uneasy.

I'm 50, so growing up in the 70s/80s in London suburb. We walked to school (me and one year older sister) alone from around 6 or 7, went to the park on our own etc. Was going out clubbing until early hours by the time I was 15! But always with friends/sister. And now, my 'idea' of life in London is largely based on reading the news - which obviously only reports people getting murdered/attacked etc! But with their lack of experience neither of them are confident either. I mentioned some of the things people have commented here to my 15 year old (going into central London on her own, for eg) and she looked horrified and said no way! So I asked her why and she says it's not because of 'normal reasons' like being scared of people mugging her or similar, but because she's worried about being embarrassed if she gets something wrong when going into a shop or something!

It's crystal clear we are going to have a steep learning curve when we get to London! But I'm glad I made the decision to do this. Otherwise they might have both gotten to 18 or older and still not be confident to go to town on their own!

THANK YOU all for your input and advice. All very much appreciated.

These are great. Thank you!

Yeah, re the violence, I don't worry about that at all - my kids don't know anyone in gangs, there's no (or if there is it's minimal) gang related activity in their school so there's not even an 'innocent bystander' risk to them, and that's what the violence is related to. There's not people randomly stabbings kids for no reason (albeit of course there never is a reason to stab anyone which makes such deaths all the more tragic)

@viques suggests are all good and ones that I live by.

I would think in this instance you would be better to teach your child how to get "unlost" e.g. by using Google maps, rather than relying on a parent and a tracker.

i wouldn't use a tracker for the 15 year old tbh or i would at least promise to take it off when she turns 16 i'd imagine you might be checking it a lot and that might start creating an unhealthy relationship between the two of you regarding boundaries

Im genuinely not criticising, just curious, what do you mean by you don't like tracking apps? Do you mean the way they work or the ethics? (Surely the only issue is, if it's by stealth ?) my dd & i and DH have one on by mutual agreement.
I feel safer.
For back story. An issue many years ago where I was not as safe as I thought I was.

Yes, I think I have to get my head around her being responsible enough to manage just fine (and she IS very sensible, responsible etc, not worried about that). Otherwise I'll end up spending every minute glued to the tracker and won't be able to relax whenever she's out and about.

If I remember, I'll update once we are in London and let you all know how it went! Probably totally smoothly and I'll wonder why I worried at all!

DD is 15. She is out with friends since she is 11, going to our local shopping mall, cinema, coffee shops and takes the bus on her own to visit one friend on the other side of the borough.

She makes her way to two classes (6pm start) during the week on her own if none of us is home but not in the dark, we collect her when it's dark or after 8pm

She has keys, we have rules about answering mobile and letting us know if she is going somewhere else than previously agreed.

She went to London by train on her own last Summer to meet me for a theatre show and just went with 4 friends to Covent Garden and China Town last weekend.

We live in North London and DD is just turned 15. She has no siblings. Her and her friends get the tube into town/Camden etc. she wouldn't want to go to town on her own. However, I would let her get the tube and meet a friend in town during the day if she she wanted.

If she's out at night, she gets a lift there and back. We also listen to her if she doesn't want to do something but encourage her to do age appropriate things.
I also have regular chats about what to do in situations if something goes wrong so that she's prepared.