Refusing to go to school

[noscat]

Hello everyone. I've been a bit of a voyeur on this site for a while, and found it really useful and comforting to realise that I'm not alone in finding the teenage years so much more of a challenge than I expected. I didn't know I was born with my first one, it was relatively stress & trouble free, but with no 2 I have got a whole heap of issues! I apologise for the length of this post in advance, but I'd really appreciate some advice on how to deal with my dd's refusal to go to school. She's currently in her first year of GCSEs, 14 (summer baby) Unfortunately she has made friends with some girls who have really poor attendance, which is sanctioned in part by their parents. Year 10 began badly with some bullying & other issues, but these seemed to be resolved by the school although dd was furious with me for continuing to expect her to go to school when it all went on, my view was that she was innocent and it's best to face up to these things. However, I obviously got that wrong because since then her attendance got worse and worse, and now at least one day a week she simply refuses to get out of bed. Only actually truanted twice (eg i thought she was at school and she wasn't). She says she's not being bullied, but finds the work boring and has become aggressive towards the teachers (a new thing). last year was really difficult, and i took her to the Dr to ask for some counselling, as she was drinking & tried to self-harm twice. She went, but said it was useless & refused to go to family counselling. Since then however she has stopped drinking & generally been much more responsible and a pleasure to live with. And then this! I really worry that something awful is going on, but she seems happy to talk to me about everything (I'm sure she keeps some things back) & generally if she is upset she tells me what's wrong. She is a very bright child, and doesn't have trouble keeping up with the work and seems to have plenty of friends. I didn't have any problems with my son (now 17) and feel dreadful that I was a bit dismissive of his 100% attendance record! What's so frustrating is that I feel completely useless - I've tried being sympathetic, I've tried restricting priviledges such as pocket money being dependent on her going to school, confiscating mobile phone/restricting computer time etc. to my shame I've also resorted to screaming my head off but nothing seems to help. We can have really good conversations when i feel we've cracked it & she promises to give it a go & then the next morning back to square one. Worryingly most of the stuff I've read about on this suggests that it's not going to stop and I'm in this for the duration. She's still got another year at school, so I'm also worried about the threat of prosecution. I've had one letter from the EWO saying that they were monitoring her attendance but since then nothing. I've tried to call the EWO 3 times & the school attendance secretary promises me that she's passed on the message, but she doesn't return my calls. The school is sympathetic but just tells me to get her to come in as often as I can. Anyone got a magic wand??

You need to relax to me you sound like a great parent. You are over analysing the situation and she will know this so its probably making her more frustrated with you. You have to trust what she says to you and you will get it back.

I will try. I can see the EWO's point on this - if she doesn't attend then they can't help her. If i can get her to go in then it gives me more amunition in terms of fast tracking etc. The Pastoral person said that if she refuses to attend PE then perhaps she could organise something else, even work experience. I don't blame the school apart from the fact that I have been worried about her attendance all year and they were very slow at picking up on it. surely it sends the wrong message if a parent has to contact the school because they are worried rather than the other way round? She has said that she'll go in tomorrow, so I shall wait & see. Currently watching David A with the tiniest frog (I never realised there were so many species of animals that I have never, ever seen in my life before) & remembering that in her early days dd wanted to be a herpetologist - was actually quite nerdy in her primary years. Now she just wants to be on big brother & is concerned about her cup size. Ho hum.....

Thanks AandK - very reassuring. I do try my best, which at the end of the day is all we can do (moved from exclamation marks to cliche, probably time to sign off).

thank you everyone for your helpful responses, having done my parental duty & fed everyone I am going to go to bed now (loooong day)and read a thoroughly crap & undemanding book. If you don't mind I might be back again when things go t*ts up and I need that secret support. OH is at a memorial service for a friend (only 50, sudden heart attack) which is probably why I logged on this evening as I am stuck with David Attenborough and his reptiles which although fascinating have little to say on the subject of tricky teenagers (terror tadpoles, toads in hoodies, the danger of chameleon gangs? - well officer, he was green and then he changed to sort of orange)has made this evening particularly difficult, but you have all helped enormously. Thank you everyone.

"I found that the EWO was extremely negative when I mentioned home schooling, is this a common reaction?"

yes that is a very common reaction-but then asking an EWO about home education is a bit like asking a butcher about vegetarianism!

There is a book you might be interested in reading;

Can't Go Won't Go: Coping with School Refusal - Mike Fortune-Wood £10.00
available here

extract

School refusal, sometimes called ?school phobia? is a complex and often contentious issue effecting rising numbers of children, but coping with this issue can tear families apart and leave children with lasting effects. In Can?t Go, Won?t Go Mike Fortune-Wood looks at the scale of the problem and how families are treated by a range of statutory authorities. Interspersed with moving accounts from families who have struggled with school refusal, sometimes over a decade or more, this important and ground-breaking book sign-posts the need for better communication and strategies from service providers from schools to psychologists and suggests that the current trend to either medicalise or demonise children who refusing to go to school will only add to society?s problems as well as damaging the individuals concerned. He also documents an alternative approach; that of removing children from school to home educate them, suggesting that far from leading to disaster (as professionals often predict) this can become a life enhancing decision.
This is the best kind of engaged research; full of information and meticulous in its willingness to analyse a problem fully, but also humane and helpful.

There is a mumsnet home education forum-come on over and talk to us there-several of us home educate teens-we do and our are now 20,18 and 15.
Home education has been incredibly successful for us-but until we looked we had no idea of the big supportive community of home educators out there!

And it doesn't have to be 'school at home' we have home educated up to Ds going to FE college to do A levels and DD taking an OU course-without a formal lesson in between!
Instead we have home educated through living life, following their own interests and having fun.

Also have a look at the main HE websites
Education otherwise
and Home Education UK

There is enough there to get you started if that is the way for you.

Home education really could be an option for your daughter!

you are right - she is 14, this is a blip, she is clearly bright as a tack. you may just have to swallow the fact that she will be happier with trouble + 9 or 10 average gcse's than with being a hardworking conformist with 10 a stars. You've said your piece to her very clearly - later on you can say 'told you so'

She is becoming an adult and testing her independence. you can't stop this happening, all you can do is what you have done so well so far - be supportive, but be clear that if she makes decisions against the advice of experienced successful adults around her then she has to take the responsibility for the consequences.

My daughter started in a similar manner two years ago. The doctors refered her to Children and Adolescent mental Health Service. they were useless and wasted a lot of valuable time. Desperate to find ways to help her I researched and took her to a Cognitive Behaviour Therapist. I had to pay for this myself but she reduce fees for low income. I paid 30 pounds per session but you could get it for less. She is now 14 and happy and confident and looking forward to her future and GCSEs.

I strongly recommment this route. My daughter is now a joy to be with and it is such a relief to us a sparents.