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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teen daughter has gone cold on me

6 replies

ejh5050 · 26/01/2023 11:12

I have 2 daughters, 16 and 14. We've always all got on fine and been close. In the last few months though the youngest has started to pull away from me and I don't know if I'm over reacting, but it's hurtful
I know it's natural for them to start to move away and assert independence, but it only seems to apply to me. She used to come and hug both me and my husband (her Dad) equally, but now it's just him that she speaks to and hugs. When I offer a hug or try to engage it gets politely brushed off or declined. I arrive home from work and get nothing, or even a 'good morning'. When she sees Dad though it's all hugs, and how was your day.
There's been no fight, no argument. She's doing fine in school and with friends. I can't even say she's being rude or aggressive or argumentative, just completely not bothered if I'm there or not - like a stranger or staff. I try and do stuff with her, give her various lifts etc, but nothing from her when we do this.
When I try and mention it she looks like she has no clue what I'm talking about and looks faintly annoyed before going back to her phone. I work hard and pay for much of the stuff she has and uses like Netflix. I don't even mention this though. My husband laughs it off when I mention it to him, he thinks it's funny, but it's blatant favoritism and I would never show it between her and her sister. I'm beginning to feel like an outsider in my own home.
Am I being un reasonable. Anyone else get this? I wouldn't mind a blazing row as it would mean some sort of communication. It's the complete indifference.

OP posts:
W0tnow · 26/01/2023 14:06

Leave it. Don’t ask her about it. Treat her like a cat. Let her know in subtle ways you’re always there. Cook her favourite meals from time to time. Wish her good morning every morning. Make her a cup of tea (or in my daughters case, a coffee) every morning. Don’t be a pushover, obviously, but treat her occasionally ‘I bought you that lipgloss/book/donut you like’. Compliment her. Talk to her like an adult. When she snaps or grunts at you, ignore it. Cats come for a cuddle when they’re ready. She’ll come back to you. But you have to play the long game.

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 26/01/2023 14:09

Why on earth does he find that funny!? Weird, is he enjoying being fave, could he be playing into this at all?

Quiltedandwilted88 · 26/01/2023 14:18

This is normal behaviour to an extent. Obviously being rude isn't acceptable but her behaviour is telling you something, that she needs to spend time away from you in order to develop in to individuate as an adult. She is probably very close to you and that is why she needs to close herself off more ifyswim. And as she cannot physically live separately from you yet, this manifests itself through acting distant, ignoring, closing herself off in her room.

I know you do a lot for her, so it is hurtful, but don't take it personally. Just keep the lines of communication open, give her the odd treat, tell her you love her and back off. She will seek you out when she really needs you but otherwise let her get on with it.

Your husband definitely should not be colluding with this though. Take him out to dinner and spell it out. You need him on your side and parenting as a team.

Hugsforyou · 26/01/2023 16:38

Leave it. Don’t ask her about it. Treat her like a cat. Let her know in subtle ways you’re always there. Cook her favourite meals from time to time. Wish her good morning every morning. Make her a cup of tea (or in my daughters case, a coffee) every morning. Don’t be a pushover, obviously, but treat her occasionally ‘I bought you that lipgloss/book/donut you like’. Compliment her. Talk to her like an adult. When she snaps or grunts at you, ignore it. Cats come for a cuddle when they’re ready. She’ll come back to you. But you have to play the long game.

Just couldn't have put it better. Please don't have a blazing row, that will then be the only thing she remembers from her teenage years! 😬

BrightRedLipstick · 27/01/2023 09:21

Hi OP,
I'm with you.
15 year old DD who hardly talks and even when she does its no more than a grunt.
In our case, she is like this to the entire family so I know you must find it hurtful as she is being nice to dad.
The advice to treat them like cats is brilliant. I have seen this previously mentioned too.
It's hard though I admit.
This morning I hugged DC2 in tears as he is a preteen and would still let me.
Teens are selfish and lack any empathy...thats the way they are wired for now.
I get that thought process but its very hard to stay continually empathetic on the hope they will come back.
Sometimes I find myself getting so robotic and cold on DD that when she does come down on the odd day to chat nicely (unusually after we have gone out of the way and done something for her) I feel like giving her a big telling off...
I need to get better at holding my tongue!

TheBestTeam · 27/01/2023 09:29

How do you have fun as a family? Do you play sport together, play board games or watch comedy shows?

Even as teens I played a lot of board games with my kids. Sound dull but we relaxed and had a lot of fun. Same with video games - playing Mario party etc together was such a light and easy way to connect with one another.

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