Sensitive subject trigger warning help

[helpihavenoideawhattodo]

My dd has just told me that when she was between 8 and 10 years old her brother asked her to perform a sex act on him and he on her. She said no and nothing more came of it. It sounds like he suggested this on more than one occasion.

This was 4-6 years ago and she swears that nothing happened. As she told me this we were interrupted and I couldn't ask much more this evening but I plan to find out more tomorrow.

This is really upsetting for her and obviously I need to react but I don't know quite what to do. I feel like I want as much information as possible before I react. My dh was sexually abused as a child so I haven't told him yet as I am not sure how he will handle it. I also want to know all the facts I can before taking action.

The point of my post is I don't actually know what to do or how to handle it.

My son is now over 18 now and at the time he'd have been covering sex Ed in school. I understand that kids get curious and this boundary was way over stepped. I don't know what is the correct course of action to deal with it.

I do make sure that he's not left in charge as due to my husbands experience I have tried to ensure this sort of thing didn't happen.

Has anyone else been through this? What did you do? How did you react? What action did you take?

I can't give you all the advice you need but one thing I can say is, believe your daughter. It takes an enormous amount of courage to tell someone and it's heartbreaking when people don't believe you. I never told anyone what happened to me as I knew no one would believe me, especially my mother as I was her personal punchbag.

You will have people telling you, "Are you sure you can believe her?", but kids don't fabricate that kind of lies just to cause some drama. Believe her and take it from there. Wishing you luck

I absolutely believe her.

No one believed my husband and he still struggles with his past daily.

I am so so sorry no one believed you,

I just want to have all the info I can from her before I take any action as I don't want to act on only part of this to find out there is more to it. I truly hope there is no more to it.

I need to at least confront my son and have him acknowledge it and apologise and be sure he knows it is vile and that it should never have happened. I do understand as a child he'd have been curious but that it's 100% not something that you ever ever do.

I am honestly so lost on what to do.

To be honest, if your daughter has had the courage to tell you that he asked her to do that, then I would also believe her when she says that no physical touch occurred.
I would let your daughter lead your reaction. Ask her straight out what she would like you to do. Tell her you believe her and tell her the anguish it has caused you, don't hide your feelings, be open with her.
If no physical touch has occurred and she tells you this again then your next step is discussion with your son on his own without your daughter present. Tell him what she told you. Wait for his response. Explain the seriousness of what he has done and the consequences of what he has done and the consequences of what could have happened if your daughter did as he asked. I would look to getting both your son and your daughter counselling, obviously separately.

Ask her straight out what she would like you to do.
I disagree with this. She's still a child (assume 12-14 yrs) and she's telling you because you're the adult and wants your guidance - fobbing off as her responsibility is not okay to do to victims.

I'm very sorry, OP. There are professionals who guide families with these issues. I'm so sorry for your daughter.

I don't have any advice but I was going to say that you could phone a sexual assaults helpline for advice and also for a listening ear for yourself because this is a shock to you too. Your DD could phone too. Google should bring up numbers but if not, phone Samaritans and they'll be able to direct you to somewhere.

"Ask her straight out what she would like you to do."
Yes and no. Even if she says she doesn't want anything to happen (as she might be afraid to cause disruption and will feel guilty in the process) , something has to happen when all the information has been gathered. The adults have to take measures so the child feels reassured.

"tell her the anguish it has caused you, don't hide your feelings, be open with her. "
Absolutely not, you don't unload your feelings on your daughter, she will probably end up feeling guilty of causing you pain. You need a calm and collected head to deal with that. This is about the child, not about the adult, the child is the centre, not the other way round.

@helpihavenoideawhattodo I've been thinking about you, are you ok?

@helpihavenoideawhattodo did you get to speak with your daughter today.
I would also speak to your son get his side.
Does your son still live with you because if he does your dd must be scared of him and he will probably have to move out.
Your Dh also needs to know.
Are they full brother and sister,
They will probably both need counselling

What a horrible situation. What is her relationship like with him? What's your relationship like with him?

So he was around 14 or 15 and covering sex education in school.... bit old to be learning that and going through the curious stage surely...?

Hi,

Sorry for the delay, I've been processing the situation myself. I told my husband yesterday and have spoken with my daughter again twice about it to be sure I know everything and find out what she'd like me to do.

They are full brother and sister. He'd have been 13/14 at the time and unfortunately like most teen boys his search history around the time was porn related. I had apps on his phone to try and block them but he always found ways to remove them.

I haven't spoken to my son yet as I wanted my daughter to be out at the time. I plan to do this tomorrow.

He isn't my biggest fan as I am the firm one in the household and he doesn't like it. He will like me even less tomorrow as I plan to make him aware that if I find out anything else untoward has happened I won't hesitate to report him and have him thrown in jail. I have to figure out what I'm going to say. We have decided they won't ever be left alone as an extra preventative measure. I've delayed for now to think it through fully as I know that nothing has actually happened towards his sister and I do feel she is safe and he is usually protective of her. If he hears of anyone picking on her he is usually first to say he'd go hunt the person down and make them pay for hurting her. So I do feel it was a daft teen situation that clearly went too far. I am keen to find out where either myself or my husband were at the time.

The thought of it still makes me sick and I do think counselling would help. My daughter has a drs appointment on Friday so I plan to speak to them about it then too.

OP, you E taken some time to really think this through rather than just 'react' out of very understandable grief and anger. A calm, measured response will hopefully elicit the answers you need. Sounds t on me like you're handling this really well!

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. For what it is worth, I think you are handling it as well as you can. You have 2 issues here - 1 is your dd's reaction to what happened to her and 2 is why your son behaved like this and how deep did it go. This is hard.

If your son already has his back up with you, is there any way you can have his dad talk to him first about this? There is no way it will help if the conversation is antagonistic from the start. Or even have someone like a therapist help you talk to him?

Also this really isn't a daft teen situation. Daft teen situations are having a few beers in the park or crank calling a girl you like. Asking your 9 year old sister to perform a sex act is way way beyond that. It is blowing through all sorts of societal taboos. It is horribly common but that doesn't make it a daft teen situation. As you are well aware this is serious.

And

If he hears of anyone picking on her he is usually first to say he'd go hunt the person down and make them pay for hurting her.

This isn't being protective. There is a lot to unpack in this tbh. Your son needs help.

Your daughter has been very brave in telling you. I have name changed because I don't want this linked to my usual name but my stepbrother (who had been been in my life since I was 3, used to ask me to do things to him or if he could do things to me, maybe three or four times when I was a similar age to your dd.

I didn't really understand the implications of what he was asking me to do him until I was in my teens myself and even though he only asked me a handful of times, he continued to make me feel uncomfortable especially when I hit puberty by staring and I know he'd been in my underwear drawer a few times when I wasn't there. He never laid a finger on me and he would also be very protective of me, especially when it came to other boys so him threatening to make people pay who might be picking on her may well not be a good sign.

I was desperate for a lock on my bedroom door to keep him out because it was always there, the worry that he will ask again or snoop through my things or try and touch me while I slept so I slept up against my door in case he tried to come in my room, because I couldn't tell my Mum why I wanted a lock. I don't know if your daughter is feeling unsettled by him again as she goes through puberty . Could she have a lock on her door in case she feels unsafe once you've had a word with him?

I don't know what the answer is for what to do but your dd is very very brave in telling you and I'm sorry you're going through this.

Thank you for your input. It's hard to know what's right to do in these circumstances. I am sorry you went through that @WhoIsGamora. It's helpful to know how you felt to help me with knowing how my daughter may be feeling.

I don't think my husband could have this conversation as he's still struggling with his own experience and is so angry at our son. I have done all the talks with my son growing up and he is pretty open with me about these things.

Spoke to my son who was understandably upset and said he only asked her once. He said he was actually 11 and it was around the time one of his 'friends' introduced him to porn. 😫😢 He said he only asked her once and as soon as he did he realised it was a mistake. He was upset about it. I have asked him to apologise to his sister and not to expect her to change his opinion. I spoke to him again about porn and he said he doesn't watch it anymore as he said it was all fake and staged. I hope he sticks with this idea.

Thankfully this hasn't been as horrific as it may have been. When I first found out all manner of awful thoughts crossed my mind .

My daughters friend has been telling her that her brother actually sexually assaulted her after doing similar and that it happened 8 times and his mum walked in and they called the police immediately. So I think this has been playing on her mind understandably.

Such an awful situation.

We obviously will make sure our children aren't left alone as an extra preventative measure so my daughter doesn't ever feel uncomfortable around her brother. Thankfully he works so he's not always home and when he is home he is usually playing online games. I frequently walk into his room unannounced and have no concerns about what he's up to in there.

Thank you for all your support