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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Boyfriend staying over - sleeping arrangements

28 replies

Wickeysticket · 19/01/2023 09:54

NC for this in case it's outing. DD just turned 18 and has a BF. We haven't met him as he goes to boarding school outside of where we live. His parents don't live in the UK so the only time they get to see each other is when he comes to town with school friends who live here and then he stays at one of their houses.

They didn't see each other over Christmas as he had to leave as soon as school finished to fly home to his parents place. They have always been in regular contact and seem very keen on each other.

He has asked to see her this weekend and she has asked if he can stay with us as none of his friends that he usually stays with are coming.

Issue:
I'm more than fine with him staying in her room. DH is absolutely not fine with that and is insisting BF should sleep in a separate room. I'm stuck in the middle.
At the end of the day, in my opinion she's 18 years old and should be treated as such. She's a great kid who works hard and I'm pleased she's met such a nice boy who seems really lovely from what she's told me.

(If it's relevant they're not having sex, I asked DD if she needed any help getting any contraceptive advice and she very openly chatted to me about how she doesn't feel ready just yet.)

Any suggestions? Do I talk to DH and push to let DD and BF stay in the same room or just make up the spare room for this visit and see if DH can come around for next time? I do remember staying with a BF when I was at Uni and his mum made us sleep in separate rooms at his house.

Anyone with teens can advise what sleeping arrangements you have?
Thoughts much appreciated!

OP posts:

Rollergirl11 · 19/01/2023 10:09

Yes she is 18 but the fact is that you have never met him. How would you feel about him sleeping in her room if you got a bad vibe from him? I would make up the spare room for him on this occasion, just to be safe and it gives you a chance to get to know him a little. Also when was the last time that your DD actually saw him in person? What if things are a little different between them since they last saw each other? And then they have to share a room? Him having a separate room takes the pressure off your DD. The chances are that they will sneak about once you’ve gone to bed anyway!

NothingButSpace · 19/01/2023 10:11

I would say spare room at the moment.

shiningstar2 · 19/01/2023 10:17

She has said she is not ready for sex so why the same room? She hasn't seen much of him yet and at 18 she could be put under a little bit of emotional pressure. You haven't met him yourself yet so you can't gage how nice a kid he is until you have spent some time with him.
Travelling back and forward abroad for boarding school seems to suguest that his parents are fairly well off ...but a 'good' family background doesn't necessarily me ean a good kid. Also if you start with him in her room it would be almost impossible to backtrack. Massive rows ext. Give your DD the space she needs to learn about herself and the relationship. Facilitate that ...not the potential for things to go faster than she wants. Time enough for changes if the relationship develops.

Rafferty10 · 19/01/2023 10:19

I would say spare room simply because D/D is not ready to have sex and threfore should not be left in a potential situation where she could be pressured...YOU DON'T KNOW HIM......why on earth would you put him in the same room if your D/D is not begging you too?

Put yourself in the head of an 18 year old boy for a minute and go from there...

keepareaclean · 19/01/2023 10:22

Rollergirl11 · 19/01/2023 10:09

This.

I think I would set up the spare room and give your DD the choice here. Have a chat with her about boundaries and how she may want her own space, but also that she doesn't have to tell him this, she can easily say it was your decision he sleeps elsewhere. Then

Remona · 19/01/2023 10:24

Absolutely separate rooms.

You sound a bit naive to be honest.

bravelittletiger · 19/01/2023 10:24

If he stays in the spare room then I'm sure there will be some creeping in the corridors at night. Given you've never met him and your husband has an issue with it then why not just put him in the spare room for this visit and consider her room next time.

Emmamoo89 · 19/01/2023 10:25

Definitely spare room

Original poster

Wickeysticket · 19/01/2023 10:25

Ok, that's helpful.
I couldn't quite gauge the right approach here so very grateful for the insightful replies.

I did suggest to DD that it was a bit of a leap from seeing each other out and about to suddenly sharing a room and waking up together in the morning!
I'll make up the spare room and we'll take it from there!

OP posts:

bravelittletiger · 19/01/2023 10:27

P.s when I was a teen I was allowed to share bedrooms once I turned 16 I think (I know it seems young now!). Before that I stayed in the spare room at my boyfriends house but we still crept into each other's rooms at night 🙃. I would be surprised if she hasn't already had sex with him tbh but she may be unusual in that sense. But I'm not sure whether or not she is sexually active is relevant- it's about what you and your husband consider acceptable in your house.

LadyKenya · 19/01/2023 10:30

Why on earth would you be pushing for a stranger to sleep in your dd bedroom, when your dh is saying no? He sounds sensible to me.

Mindymomo · 19/01/2023 10:31

I think you have to trust her and ask if she wants him to sleep in her room or would she be happier if he were in the spare room for now.

Puffalicious · 19/01/2023 10:51

I think the spare room for now, but you need to be realistic that she's 18, an adult, and may decide that she wants to be closer to this/ another boy at some point in the near future. Cuddling and being close and chatting into the night are lovely parts of a relationship, especially in the early days. Your DH needs to get used to her being an adult.

DS is 18-started uni in Sep in our city- and has met a lovely girl at uni. She stayed over pretty much from the outset, and he at her halls. He's also been to her parents over the holidays and they've had the same approach. They spend time with the family (we have 2 younger DC) but really enjoy retreating to his room for a movie/ music/ chats/ snacks too. It's not all about mad shagging from the rafters! DS is off to the US in summer for 4 months - it would feel ridiculous to put such limits on him at home.

You need to give them freedom. Of course have the chats about emotional safety/ sex/ respect/ things you expect (if you need to, DS knew all this as we'd always chatted over the years) and keep communication open.

We live in a modern society, your DH needs to adjust. I know it may feel different as it's his daughter, but it shouldn't be different.

We have DS2 (16) who's recently told me he's not straight- attracted to both sexes- and we'll approach whatever situation he brings with the same openness. It's the only way.

I hope that's helpful. Wishing a good outcome for all.

Original poster

Wickeysticket · 19/01/2023 10:54

Thanks again for the advice and insight. Spare room is being prepared 🙂

OP posts:

Original poster

Wickeysticket · 19/01/2023 11:03

@Puffalicious thank you - that's exactly what I've been going back and forth with. She'll be at Uni in a few months too.

We've had lots of chats about sex/respect and all the issues around consent. She's expressed how glad she is we can talk about that stuff so I am just trying to get my approach to this right. I'm trying to treat her as an adult but I know we still need to protect her at the same time.

Really appreciate everyone's input. I remember getting busted by my BF's parents bringing me tea and he had sneaked into the room where I was sleeping in the morning! Red faces all round! Thankfully we were clothed if I recall.

OP posts:

lailamaria · 19/01/2023 12:30

i'm going against the grain here tbh but i think that they should be allowed to share the same bed, she's an adult this is the stage in her life where you're not gonna know everything about her relationships/friendships if op's daughter thinks that she's strong enough to not get pressured then i think she should be given that 'chance' as an adult woman. Question @Wickeysticket how long ago did you have the conversation about her not being ready for sex maybe her views have changed

bookmarket · 19/01/2023 12:45

When DD was 17/18 and had her first boyfriend, we asked him to sleep in the spare room when he stayed over until they were a more established couple. It was more for DD's sake. Like someone else said, best to check out the vibe you get from them and to give DD some guaranteed space should he turn out not to be as great as she thinks.

Original poster

Wickeysticket · 19/01/2023 12:54

@lailamaria it was yesterday! She is very strong and clear about what she does and doesn't want and we have discussed it quite a lot when she's chatting about talks they've had at school or issues her friends were facing. That said, in my desire to find a compromise and treat her as an adult maybe my instincts were off in this situation.

I'm tending to agree with the posters like @bookmarket who are recommending that she be given space just in case she needs it, and if she doesn't then great and we can see how things work out. Will be following your approach @bookmarket as it seems like a good compromise!

OP posts:

Iloveabaconbutty · 19/01/2023 15:37

We were in a similar situation at Christmas. Our 18 year old daughter was home from uni. She has a new (her first) boyfriend who lives fairly locally but whom we'd never met. Could he stay over after a party at our house? He doesn't drive (and wouldn't have been able to drink anything if he did) and although local isn't so close that his parents would have been able to pick him up. He's already visited our daughter at uni for a weekend and presumably (we haven't asked) stayed in her room for two nights.

What should we do? We decided to go down the "not sleeping in the same room" route so she went in with her sister in her room and the boyfriend slept in her room. No one minded.

I remember "when ah were a lad"(!) whenever I visited my girlfriend, now wife, when she was still living with her parents I would sleep in the spare room - and we were in our twenties and her parents knew me very well. Well, as the old crusties say "It never did us any harm!"

But joking aside and I know times have changed but I think your daughter and her new boyfriend will be perfectly fine sleeping in separate rooms while he's staying with you. It's clearly not an issue for your daughter whilst it actually is for your DH. If things work out for them they'll have plenty of time to be together on their own in the future.

JussathoB · 19/01/2023 15:55

I would suggest he is in the spare room. There’s nothing stopping them getting together if they want to, but this will give them both a bit of space and they are not obliged to sleep or stay in same room - more options so they can manage what stage of intimacy they feel they are at themselves. It’s discreet annd private for both the householders and the young people and DH should be satisfied with the arrangements but needs to realise they are not being policed so if they do get together for a cuddle or whatever it’s their business.

lailamaria · 19/01/2023 19:47

@JussathoB oh i like that, letting them have their space but if they do end up sleeping in the same bed then nobody mentions it @Wickeysticket that seems like the best way to handle it imo

JussathoB · 19/01/2023 20:52

Well why would anyone be mentioning it if they do spend time in the same room or have sex?

lailamaria · 19/01/2023 20:56

@JussathoB the dad would probably try to argue about it, that's the whole point of op's dilemma i was only agreeing with you jesus

OnePerson · 19/01/2023 21:01

She's an adult. I'd let him stay in her room.

gogohmm · 19/01/2023 21:02

I let my dd from 17, felt there was no point refusing

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