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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

House rules with sexually active teenager?

24 replies

redblonde · 17/01/2023 22:49

My 16 year old daughter wants to start having sex with her boyfriend. He seems lovely, respectful, and she had been open with me about it all. My upbringing was more strait laced so I'm slightly struggling with the whole concept but determined that we have an environment and relationship where she can talk to me about sex, and feel like it's a natural thing to want to do unlike when I was her age. I'm just not sure realistically how it should all work! Do they just start sharing a bed (he's not been here over night before)? Do we have house rules for what is acceptable behaviour? If anyone is happy to share how it works in your household I'd be grateful! Thanks.

OP posts:

Ihatethenewlook · 17/01/2023 22:52

You know they can have sex in the daytime too? 😬 I’d just allow them to spend time in your DD’s room with the door closed. I’d expect them to use common sense about being discreet though. I wouldn’t want to hear a peep out of them. My boyfriend at that age lived with his grandparents, we always used to wait until they were out before we had sex or anything.

Merlott · 17/01/2023 22:57

Contraception?!

TigerYiger · 17/01/2023 23:31

A gentle conversation about consent, I appreciate they are old enough but they are young and misunderstandings in bed at that age, esp if they are experimental, can happen and have serious consequences, even if they are lovely and you think they must already know.

Original poster

redblonde · 18/01/2023 07:15

Thanks for your responses. Contraception sorted and we have talked about consent.
I do know that can have sex in the day time too which is why I realise how bonkers it is that I’m getting wound up over them spending a night together!

OP posts:

Ihatepcos · 18/01/2023 07:17

I wouldn't allow him to stay overnight at that age.

Foxywood · 18/01/2023 07:19

Are there younger DCs?

KangarooKenny · 18/01/2023 07:22

I didn’t allow overnight stays at that age, not until they were older and in long term relationships.

MamaBear1022 · 18/01/2023 07:22

They may want to have sex and consent but are you happy to have him stay overnight? It sounds as if she's told you this and you feel you have to allow it overnight in your home?

Personally feel 16 is too young for boyfriends to stay overnight. How long have they been together?

Fine they want to have sex, she's on contraception but I wouldn't be making it so easy

Andrelaxzzz · 18/01/2023 07:24

Things I would bring up:
Noise (suggest using music?)
Contraception (I would see if she wants to use the pill and help her take it regularly if she is not organised)
Consent for both of them. That just because you have said yes doesn't mean you can't change your mind.
Talk about porn, how good sex isn't all about orifices. How anal sex has only recently become normalised because of porn.
That taking things very slowly is much more fun.
Advise her to talk to her bf about all of these things, and mention if they can't they might not be ready.
Explain it gets better over time!

Weenurse · 18/01/2023 07:27

Stayed overnight but in separate rooms until both were 18.
Looking back, all it did was give me extra washing, they still had sex.🙄
Our house rule are no one night stands.
If in a long term, committed relationship, partner is welcome to stay in their room.
They are responsible for washing their partner produces ie. towels.
They help more in the house ie. cooking once a week, or help cleaning

TenSheds · 18/01/2023 16:02

Similar situation here. In short, it's a bit earlier than I'd like but I'm suitably reassured that they are committed, approaching things responsibly and I'd rather they were doing it somewhere safe and warm and relaxed. In reality, opportunities are limited and there's general agreement on good manners about noise; everybody wants to avoid the embarrassment of being overheard anyway! It's also a way of continuing to support your child, and maintaining a degree of control over the situation.
His parents feel differently, but their house is less conducive to privacy than ours. (DH is in general denial, but is forced to accept the inevitable.)

DD16 had been merrily sharing details of her friends' relationships with me for a couple of years and so already knew I am realistic about teen sex when the time came for her to broach the subject. Her BF18 had already stayed at ours once (same room, one on floor, one on sofa) when they'd just got together and they were so nervous about everything I had absolutely no concerns about anything happening. When she told me they were planning to do the deed, she also told me they'd already talked in detail about consent; she subsequently told me about their embarrassment buying condoms when a classmate was on checkout 😅

He stayed again in the living room, but that was 'the night'. He's since stayed in her bed a couple of times and I suspect they've departed for daytime 'shenanigans' once or twice. The overall effect seemed positive; we are all more relaxed together, and they love the intimacy of being able to wake up together, aside from any sexual angle.

Now however they want to go away on a mini-break; that's a whole other conversation!

Rollergirl11 · 18/01/2023 18:18

This thread is very relevant as we also have DD 16 (17 in 2 months) who has been sexually active with her 18yr old boyfriend since December. She is on contraception and we have had the chat about being respectful, consent, coercion etc. I know he has stayed overnight at ours twice on occasions when DH and I have been away for the night. I know that BF’s parents would be totally okay with DD staying at their house as long as we were okay with it. But then he is 18 so it’s slightly different.

I’m a bit torn about him staying overnight right now, which is probably a bit pointless as I know that they are having sex here and at his anyway. But I guess it just makes their relationship seem so much more mature and serious then perhaps it should be if we give the green light for overnights. Maybe I’ll feel more comfortable with it when she’s 17, I don’t know!

Also DH is choosing to be oblivious and in denial about the subject of DD having sex and very much doesn’t want to talk about it. I think if he was asked if they could start spending the night together it would be an automatic no because he just doesn’t want to think about it! 🫣🤪😬

1000yellowdaisies · 18/01/2023 18:23

I wouldn't let him stay over night. Yes you know that realistically they are having sex and its good that she's been open with you, but you don't have to provide a house for them to do it in. I'd say 18 would be reasonable for him to stay over

Rollergirl11 · 18/01/2023 18:31

@1000yellowdaisies but they are already having sex in our house (even whilst we are here) but it just happens to be during the day or in the evening.

The other thing is that DD goes to his house every Saturday night after work (they work together) and she ends up getting an Uber back home from his at 2am, which is her curfew. She argues that it’s safer all round if she were just to stay at his and I admit that she does have a valid point.

Sorry @redblonde don’t want to hijack your thread!

ElizabethBest · 18/01/2023 18:45

I come from a massive family and we’re all very
close in age, so there were 6 teens in our house. The rules were:

no boyfriends or girlfriends staying over in the week, weekends only, even in the holidays.
if they did stay over it was Friday or Saturday but not both
everyone had to come to Friday night dinner if we were home as that was family time. Friends and boy or girlfriends welcome to join at supper, but everyone went if they were there that night.
we had to wash our own sheets
contraception, contraception, contraception.
No one night stands or casual hook ups
no boyfriends or girlfriends were allowed to stay over if they hadn’t met the family first

I have to say we were all fairly sensible and almost never abused the rules. Apart from the casual hookups one - what’s the point of having siblings close in age if you can’t drink your parents’ alcohol when they’re out then shag their friends

Eastereggsboxedupready · 18/01/2023 19:00

Being mindful if there are others in the house is something to point out. Ds once had a gf who screamed like she was in the bloody Sistine Chapel...
I did have words. She gave no shits... She was eventually banned from the house for other reasons.

LindorDoubleChoc · 18/01/2023 19:06

My dd was with her boyfriend from just before she turned 17. I had the talk with her about contraceptives immediately and made the GP appointment.

He came here for the evening and family meals etc from the start but probably didn't stay over for the night until they were together 6 months and then only once a month or so.

DH and I wfh so they didn't have sex here in the day time.

Somehow they both understood what would be acceptable boundaries. Maybe I told them - can't quite remember. Not helpful, I know.

JustGraduated · 26/01/2023 07:35

I‘m 22 so have been in your daughters position relatively recently.

I have to say my mother was brilliant about everything. She provided us with contraception, taught me about consent, gave us privacy when we wanted it. All of this made me feel really comfortable opening up to her if I needed anything or wanted to talk.

Her one strict rule was that I waited until I was 16.

His parents were the opposite, very closed off about sex with him. But this didn’t bother him so you just have to find what works for you and your daughter.

mumofblu · 26/01/2023 17:21

I'm interested in those that say they allow sex when they go out . We have a younger child so not out much in evenings . Same at weekends .

dumbstruckdumptruck · 26/01/2023 18:50

1000yellowdaisies · 18/01/2023 18:23

That's right - much better for them to do it in a bus stop or round the back of Tesco's in the dark.

Lettieness · 17/02/2023 10:28

why not "make it too easy " if they are clearly going to have sex

PortiasBiscuit · 17/02/2023 10:32

I expect to have met anyone that stays over, I mean for a meal or a proper chat. No casual sex, but DD respects me and wouldn’t bring anyone home to stay until she was fairly serious.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 17/02/2023 10:37

Contraception - two, for pregnancy prevention and sti protection
No overnights yet
Don't let me hear you I'll make sure you hear me and your dad the next time we have sex. You don't want that.
If you ever don't want him here or want him to leave, and don't feel comfortable telling him, blame me. I'll take the flack
Remeber you can (and should) say no as soon as you want to. And if he respects you he will listen.

2pence · 17/02/2023 10:43

Some great advice on here already.

If you haven't already, I would recommend that you buy her an appropriate sex education book that covers consent and foreplay as a lot of teenagers believe that porn is realistic and there are also no realistic portrayals of sex on tv or in film either.

Something along the lines of Ruby Rare's www.waterstones.com/book/sex-ed/ruby-rare/sofie-birkin/9781526636775

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