Do we worry about upsetting our kids too much?

[Flipflop23]

Ok so I posted something earlier and it made me wonder if we worry too much about upsetting our kids too much?
im only in my early 40s but my mum and dad told me straight if they were not happy with me or if they didn’t want me have people to stay over ect it was just a straight no. They didn’t appear to mince there words at the time.
I worry constantly about upsetting my kids especially the adult ones! Quite often doing things that I actually want to say no to.
its A question out of interest nothing more.

I have no worries about being direct or saying no to my dc.

I'm pretty direct with my DD - would never intentionally upset her, but would have no qualms saying no to friends staying over or suchlike if it wasn't convenient.

I will try to make things happen for my kids and I don’t aim to say no, but I have no problem with saying no if things won’t work for the whole family or are unsafe or unreasonable.

do you worry more or less about upsetting adult kids

Im not quite sure I understand what you mean by this? In what context?

@ZeroFuchsGiven I have a 13 year old who I don’t have major issues if I say no to something he wants but my 2 adult children I worry if I sad/do something that’s upsets them

I'm a uni lecturer and I wish parents were a bit better at setting boundaries and saying no. It's amazing how astonished some students are when they apparently hear these words for the first time from us!

In my experience there has definitely been a generational shift. DH and I were very straight about expectations even when are DD was an adult living in our home. Never any problems. We tried to get reasonable, where she didn't agree we'd discuss but at the end of the day if we didn't want to do something she accepted the line as she was living cheaply, free until aged 26, in our home. Her oldest DS is coming up for 18. She is a good mother but definitely doesn't like upsetting him with her boundaries. Love them all but there is a definite shift in perspectives from back in the day 😃

Tried to be reasonable not get 😁

I do think too much time is spent pussyfooting round children these days. My dc are adults now (34 to 19) but never had a problem putting them straight when needed. I know when we are out for meals etc ds2 will say occasionally when there are dc playing up or running round "that kid needs 90's momma, we wouldn't have dared" We are all close as adults so they don't seem to have held my firm boundaries against me anyway.

@shiningstar2
this is what I’m seeing.
im not sure it’s healthy how big the shift has become.my son is a teacher and he says he can see a difference in how kids behave The strict parents seem to have better behaved children. I’m naturally strict but society makes me feel bad for it.
eg my sons gf stops over quite a lot I’m not the biggest fan of it but I feel the pressure to say yes as it seems to be the norm now and I’d be ostracising him if I said no.
my mum and dad said no to me don’t think I was left emotionally scared from it😂

I have an adult child and a teen. If they ask me something, I’ll always listen and talk to them. If it’s something that’s not possible, I’ll say no but I like to explain to them why. Straight no’s, without explanation are not something I’d like so I wouldn’t do it to my children.

They might be disappointed but not upset with me as they get where I’m coming from. I’ve always found that most people are reasonable if you’re reasonable, even teens!

@HighSchoolZombie I agree and mine are pretty good, but sometimes there is no explanation to give the one son brings his dog with him and I hate it, no reason behind it just don’t like it but I put up with it in case I upset him.

I agree the change hasn't necessarily been for the better. If we couldn't do something, maybe a lift somewhere. We would just say no because .....and DD would be fine about it. We had other responsibilities, jobs, old people to help, lives .. but dgs seems to think things lift lifts are more or less a right and even though she has plenty of other responsibilities dgs feels hard done by if his agenda isn't first. Of course it may not just be generational. DD is a gentle soul whereas I was much more feisty in my approach ,😃😁

I think it’s possible for kids not to end up as entitled whilst being kind and helping them out. Maybe it depends on how you bring them up and personality plays a part too. My kids have always been grateful for a lift, never take it for granted, although the older one drives now so rarely asks. And he’ll take our youngest places to help us out. I think some people would like for it to go back to being so socially acceptable to be pretty shit parents like it was in the 80s/90s. Treat kids with respect and be reasonable and I find you get that back.

I am very close to my Dd, see each other regularly, have fun with my grandchildren and we holiday with the whole family once a year. She is very close to both of her teens, does sports with DD ext. Very supportive also to us now we are a bit older. Two slightly different styles in some ways, similar on others. Don't think either of us in either generation could be described as 'shit parents' . Just shown this to DD who has called in after work for a cup of tea and it did make us smile. HighSchoolZombie sounds like you are writing off a whole generation of parents here. My mother is 91. Her style of parenting was very different again believe me. My brothers and I love her dearly and care for her living independently in her own home, but definitely changed our own style of parenting when our turn came around. I think every generation does change things a bit. We took what we liked from our own upbringings and changed what we didn't. We are lucky to have 4 generations around at the moment. All very close 😃

My parenting Is fairly simple. My 4 now range from 33 to 22..
we expected them to act and speak with respect and kindness as we did them. We explained all decisions simply and calmly but we were in charge. apologies essential on all sides if tempers flared.

Respect all round. We all get on very well

Oh much rather have a dog visit with ds than not

@smileladiesplease and my parenting is very similar. Don't recognise the shit parenting here even if my dc span 80s 90s and 00s. Nothing wrong with not giving reasoning for every decision and being the one in charge either and yes I apologised and changed my mind occasionally after listening to the dc's point of view.