13 year old DD will not go to school. Support needed!

[MrsPeas]

I'm at my wits end with just everything now. I don't know what to do.

School has been awful and no help. She's awaiting assessment for Austism and I've been notified I'm looking at nearly a year till we get an appointment. She doesn't sleep or she will over sleep. She has counselling I pay privately for and sleep therapy. She's being bullied at school. In September, she started hanging around with a not so great crowd (her former bullies) I mithered and mithered school to help me with this and I never once got a call from Safeguarding or Teachers. I rang them 11 times in one week and I was just ignored and now its escalted to this and its gone down hill from there. In the space of 3 months, she's gone from 97% attendance to 59%. I've genuinly tried everything. School are on my case constantly but only recently because her attendance is suffering. Rather than deal with the issues at school, they are only bothered about attendance. They've provided no mental health support, no counselling. Just nothing. I am waiting on a school transfer but that can take a while too.

I've asked her why she doesn't want to go to school and she told me that her head of year is constantly on her case. Following her around school, never leaving her alone so I've sent a complaint to school and again I've been ignored. She told me she can't tell me what's happening at school because if she does, these kids will kill her. So I totally understand why she doesn't want to go in!!

I just don't know what to do. I'm being threatened with fines and court/prison. They are trying to force me to accept some "home help" when the issue is at school, but they just ignore it and pass the blame to me, that there must be a problem at home. There isn't!!

I just need advice or just ideas. Anything right now. I have a professional job and I'm just on the verge of losing it due to time off. I need to help my daughter. I'm at a loss.

I've been in this situation twice.

If you haven't already put in a parent request for an EHCP needs assessment. Here is a model letter you can use. www.ipsea.org.uk/making-a-request-for-an-ehc-needs-assessment . As part of the assessment request Speech & Language Assessments and Occupational Therapy Assessments as these can reveal issues which cause barriers to attending school that you may not have thought of / been aware of.

If she has had more than 15 days off (even non consecutive ) the the LA is legally obliged under s. 19 Education Act to look at alternative provision. You can write to them to ask them to do so. www.ipsea.org.uk/faqs/what-support-should-the-la-give-me-if-my-child-is-out-of-school-for-any-other-reason

It is likely that the school is not suitable for your daughter, mainstream secondaries are really challenging for many children on the autism spectrum. It can actually harm them to keep sending them in if the school is not meeting needs.

The Not Fine in School Website and face book group are useful resources. notfineinschool.co.uk/

You are not alone. Your daughter is not being naughty or defiant or refusing, the best term to use is Emotional Based School Avoidance.

I would also suggest you get her to the GP to get the debilitating anxiety on record with them, they may well refer her to CAMHS but, as you probably know, waiting lists are long.

Thank you for this. I will take a look through the links shared and have a good read.

CAHMS did contact me but stated that the school has a fully funded Mental Health Team, but my Daughter has never been offered any support. They sent a request to the school and we've not had any response. This was 3 months ago. It's just gradually got so much worse and the added preassure of these threats just ain't helping us.

What is the alternative provision if you don't mind me asking? I've not been given any support on any of these things so I'm unaware any exist.

I have a GP appointment on Thursday to put an urgent on the referral so I will mention her anxiety to them whilst on the call. GP did tell me he cannot prescribe her anything as it has to be a Pediatrician. So I guess it's just a matter of having it noted on file.

Thank you!

What is the alternative provision if you don't mind me asking? I've not been given any support on any of these things so I'm unaware any exist

Local authorities like to claim that s.19 of the Education Act doesn't exist!

It can be tutoring at home if that's what the child needs, it might be at a hospital school or at a pru. It very much depends on the situation and the child.

Re. the doctor and prescriptions, if only a paedatrician can prescribe then request a referral so that the peadeatrician can assess.

Good luck. It is a minefield.

My 13 year old daughter is currently having a maths lesson at home. She's autistic (with other complex needs that came up in the course of the EHC Needs assessment) and there is no school that can work for her in our area. She has a fully funded full time education away from school now (known as EOTAS). It's been a fight but her mental health is much better than it was when she was being traumatised by the school environment.

This is my next step. I will jump onto this today!

There is a pru not far from home. But I'm assuming she will have to be referred there? I wish I could teach her at home but it's not possible for us. I'm trying every route possible so she can enjoy school again and not feel this way. She's just been let down by them massively!

I'm glad your Daughter is doing better now! I never thought it would be this difficult to gain support for your child. It is indeed a minefield! I've chased admissions and they are looking at her application for the new school today so hoping it's good news.

Have you actually managed to talk to anyone from the school? If you don’t know what is going on in school but the Head of Year is following her around and on her case then it sounds like they might have an idea? You say your complaints are ignored, do you mean no response at all?

You need to arrange a face to face meeting with the Head of Year. If contacting them is unsuccessful then consider going in and saying you’ll wait till you are seen.

Great advice from @MrsPeas

I've been where u are when my dd was 11. She did reasonably ok at primary but could not cope with secondary. School had refused an ehcp request during primary as they felt she had no additional needs. I wasn't aware I could just request one myself.

My dd did have her ASD diagnosis aged 8 though.

The ehcp request triggered the school having to cooperate (same problem as you, literally no one ever returning calls etc). An educational psychologist was allocated and he was great. Did a very detailed assessment of her.

In the meantime I was being threatened with court. Our GP actually signed my dd off sick with anxiety. I handed in this letter to school and I stopped getting threats etc.

Camhs waiting list was 18 months. I started some therapy for her organised through barnardos and autism west midlands whom I'd contacted for advice support. They were great!.

After being told so many many times we wouldn't get an ehcp she was given one. I'd been researching suitable schools but we settled on a hospital school that has an ASD alternative provision.

2 years on and she's thriving. It's a very small school and we ended up cancelling camhs as the school had excellent mental health professionals in school on a weekly basis.

I know her school takes pupils who are on the pathway to a diagnosis too.

Best of luck

I had no response at all from calls or emails. I sent them a huge complaint email last week with the attachments of emails and calls I've made to the school with no response from them. Honestly, it's so bad the lack of communication.

I ended up going to the school one day as I had enough and the only response they give is that she is dramatic, loves drama and is sometimes the cause of it. My Daughter tells me that they ask her about problems at home and she tells them that there aren't any but they try and force her to speak, but when she does attempt to tell them about the bullying, they tell her to not be dramatic and that its just teenagers. Safeguarding are no help. They just keep trying to force me to accept a "help at home" scheme when the issues are at the school. She genuinely doesn't want to leave her room. When I do try and speak to her she tells me if I force her to go to school, she will run away.

If I do question them on anything, the only things they say are "oh I know" or "aww I wish I could help" they really do not care and I'm just so stressed cause nobody is listening to her.

Thank you!

I'm so glad your daughter has got the support she needed and is doing great now! I hope we get the same.

She is a bright girl with an amazing singing voice and loves art but she's just being failed so badly. It's like screaming in a room full of people wearing headphones. It's so hard.

I've requested to see her notes that where relayed from her primary school as they had a strong belief she was dyslexic, but in year 7 they stated they didn't see any reason for this and dismissed it. I listened to school as I trusted them but now I don't due to these reasons.

We are going out now for some chill time and give her chance to forget for a moment!

Hi I am in a similar situation and I have come ro realise that there really isn't any help. I have tried alternative education turns out that is a no no coz it's mainly for children that are in year 10 or you have to have a huge amount of mental health proof. My dd has refused to go for a year now due to anxieties at school and I have been told now that come September I have to home school her otherwise its court. I am a single parent that has to work I have already nearly lost my job over this and I have already had to do a debt relief order coz of not being able to work asmuch and now they want me to stop working altogether to home school!
Camhs are no help, early help are no help, doctors are no help, school are no help. Really just stuck so I feel for you.

You sound like you don't work with the school. You react. Your dd hangs round with bullies and gets into trouble. You say you asked school to help. Did you ask for her to move classes? Did you tell your dd that she wasn't allowed to be friends with them? Did she listen to you? I am guessing not.

When the head of year is on her case maybe this is because she is not following instructions. She moans. You react and make a complaint about someone who is spending time trying to help your dd.

You can't get her up for svhool. Her attendance is very poor. You ate struggling with her at home. You don't want to accept any referrals aimed at helping you and her at home.

By the way I have never heard of a school with fully funded mental health team. Which amazing school is this?

My dd (health issues) did small group tuition and then hospital day school .
Both had teens with issues like your dd
Depends on pru if it suitable
But a different setting likely is better
Ask to speak to and meet the lea officer in charge of kids missing school for health incl mh reasons
She may need to keep on roll at current school but will be marked as educated off site

Avcept referrals meet them ask what they csn offer