Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Flip

Original poster

15 year old boy - dropped by best friend

24 replies

Michelle2023 · 15/01/2023 22:53

Hi guys looking for some advice . My 15 year old boy had a best friend the whole way through primary school and they went into secondary school . it eventually has become aware to me that his best friend has completely dropped him and moved on with another best friend and another group. I wouldn’t feel so bad if this had happened in his first year at secondary school but it has happened in his 3 rd year. ( everyone has their friendship groups made ) . Covid has really affected his age group was going to sports before Covid hit - and when he went back it was extremely competitive and he wasn’t good enough for any of the teams . So he doesn’t have a hobby to fall back on. I feel what his bf has done is really cruel as we live in a small rural village and he now has no one to hang out with . The bf and the other friends hang out at the football pitch at the weekends but never ask him to ho . I am so angry that I have toyed with the idea of confronting his mum but my husband won’t let me go this as he feels he should move on from him. His confidence is completely shaken and he spends all weekend sitting on fort nite talking to another friend on line . The other friend has social anxiety so doesn’t leave his house so is not really helping him socially . The friendship is all on line . I feel so angry with the ex best friend for stealing my child’s confidence and being so cruel . for example they will come home from school on the bus together on a Friday and the other group of boys will get off at the ex befriends house and they will never ask my son . My son goes home and sits in a bedroom by himself playing on line . Any ideas how a teenage boy who is not good enough at sport widens his circle and makes friends . It seems everyone at this age has already made their circle of friends made . It breaks my heart to see him with no where to go at the weekends and no one to hang out with . He lives in his bedroom for the weekend . Just to add he seems happy in school but just lost during the school holidays and weekends .

OP posts:

kiwiiem · 16/01/2023 05:26

Obviously this is just my opinion but I would think it would be unreasonable to speak to his Mam. Realistically, what could she do? She’s not going to be able to force her 15 year old son to take a friendship he doesn’t care to have and honestly it would be worse for your son to have a superficial friendship that the other boy feels he’s been forced into and told off about than if your son didn’t have the friendship at all.

15 is far too old to be getting parents involved, especially when in 3 years they’ll be adults anyway. Your son wouldn’t thank you for it, the risk isn’t worth the reward.

I’m afraid you’ll just have to wait for friendships to happen organically. Otherwise, do you have any friends with sons he could hang out with, family of similar age he could go and see etc?

WeakAsIAm · 16/01/2023 06:04

Agree with previous poster you can't force another to be friends with your DS.

I really feel for you and I know it's so hard but friendship groups do change and people move on.

Have you looked at non-sport groups for him, explorer scouts/cadets. What type of things would he enjoy and go with that.

Lots of 15y just sit in their rooms gaming, even if they have lots of friends it isn't unusual. Have you had a conversation with your DS (I know easier said than done). He may have a different take on what is happening, what he wants.

All will change again when he hits sixth form/college/apprenticeship. Try not to fret these things have a way of working themselves out. But don't do anything to embarrass him .

MaireadMcSweeney · 16/01/2023 06:09

It's heartbreaking for you and DS but it's not the other boy's fault that the friendship has run its course! You can't blame him or speak to his mum!!! They are 15 not 5.
Your son needs a hobby ideally but it's not unusual to have an isolated phase at secondary and at least he has gaming mates! Be patient, and encourage him to stay positive. He'll make new friends at college or 6th form for sure

Thepossibility · 16/01/2023 06:24

You can't say anything to the mum!
I would be worried if it was my child as well. But the fact is people are allowed to choose their friendships.
How would you deal with someone calling your parent demanding you be friends with their child?!
The absolute opposite would happen, no doubt.
Teenagers are no different, they aren't 5 anymore.
You will make it worse if you stick your nose in. He will be made a target for ridicule.
Cut your losses with this friend and encourage other friendships.

Oblomov22 · 16/01/2023 06:25

I'm really sorry but you have lost perspective here totally. Your Dh is right and you are wrong, approaching the other mum who make you look batshit. This is not cruel of the bit at all. Not at all. It is natural progression. Sporty boys wanting to play with other fellow sporty boys. It's a stage. Completely natural. Your son needs to develop his skills, and find his peers, his ilk, of people who are into the same things as him, which I'm sure he will do.

WandaWonder · 16/01/2023 06:27

I know it feels terrible but do not speak to his parents about this

There is not one thing I think would there be any benefit to doing so

Princesspollyyy · 16/01/2023 06:43

This is heartbreaking and I do know how you feel as the same thing happened to my daughter except she was in year 6, so younger.

She went to secondary school and made completely new friends which has helped tremendously.

How long until your son is 16? When my eldest was 15, he found a job potwashing and waitering at our local pub. He made new friends through that.

Maybe something you could look into for your boy?

Prescottdanni123 · 16/01/2023 07:02

I understand that it must be really hard for you to see your son struggling so much but you would be unreasonable to speak to his mum.

It sounds like the friendship has run its course, which isn't uncommon in schools. The other boy is not responsible for your son's happiness.

Does the school do any other games besides sports clubs that your son could go too? Gaming, electronics, chess etc?

ABlindAssassin · 16/01/2023 07:16

Does your DS want to hang out at the football pitch? Or does he prefer gaming?

Has he attempted to arrange stuff with his exBF and been ignored/left out, or is he waiting to be invited? Does he like the other kids in the group?

Are there school clubs he could go to? My DS met some nice friends at Warhammer club and science club. He's not remotely sporty!

minopd · 16/01/2023 07:53

Trying to force a group to include someone is unlikely to work and may make things worse.

Encourage your son to do something new ( club, p/t work etc) where his social circle will grow.

Also check what he wants. This is only an issue if he thinks it is.

ABlindAssassin · 16/01/2023 07:58

I just reread my post and the first sentence sounds judgemental - I didn't mean it to! My son would much prefer to be at home (gaming online, messing about with his brother, cooking) than either playing football or hanging around at the football pitch!

WhatNoRaisins · 16/01/2023 08:06

OP I think you need to try and accept that this isn't something that parents will have much influence over. The best you can do is encourage DS to do the things he enjoys or try something new. Definitely don't involve the other parents, it won't do any good.

elgreco · 16/01/2023 08:08

This is very sad, same happened to my son. Please don't talk to the mother, you can't force friendship, it will make it worse.
He has an online friendship, not ideal but better than none.

Hobbesmanc · 16/01/2023 08:15

Fifteen is such a difficult age. But when kids move towards sixth form or college they tend to find their tribes. There is nothing you can do to restore a friendship that has run its course sadly.

Just be supportive of your boy. Don't ask questions about old friends or make any comments. He's likely to feel embarrassment

Survey99 · 16/01/2023 08:17

Throughout secondary ds shifted friendship groups at least 2-3 times as they grew in different direction. He never really had a "best" friend, but there was always a few boys he knew and would go along with, which I think is much better as they are not so reliant on one person.

It is not fair to focus your sons friendships, or lack off, all onto this one lad, if he wants to start being more social he needs to make the effort to speak to more people in school and start getting involved, spread his net wider. He won't be the only one without a group of friends, there will be other groups who will welcome him in but he needs to put himself out there.

Original poster

Michelle2023 · 16/01/2023 11:35

Thanks everyone for taking the time to reply and I really appreciate your different perspectives and suggestions . I don’t think one person said it would be a good idea to talk to the other mom and on your confirmation I won’t do that . I really needed another’s opinions . I suppose I am upset as I really helped out the family and drove this kid to everything that my son was doing in elementary/ primary school as this mom had young kids and was really busy. So I am feeling a bit used by her and honestly have avoided talking to her as I don’t think I will be able to hide my upset. So I guess I’ll keep avoiding.
I have reached out a couple of times to her in the last few years to ger to try and bring them to an activity together and it was always her son is too busy so they are obviously not interested in them maintaining a friendship.
it’s been so hard watching my son struggle for the last couple of years as at the same time this friend dropped him he was being bullied in school as I suppose he was vulnerable and was walking around on his own and hence a target . I feel so angry at the amount of time and the amount of energy we had given this kid. If there is a lesson learned is don’t put all your eggs in the one basket . And mom friends are not really friends when the kids friendships dissipate.
I know the guy is not responsible for my son’s happiness but I think there is a lack of sensitivity and a lack of kindness . As I know my son would not have done this to him and would have included him . All apart of life skills I suppose . Thanks for your advice on not making him feel bad about it as I probably did make a mistake on that as I was always asking him did he do something or what happened and I don’t think he knew himself .

OP posts:

Original poster

Michelle2023 · 16/01/2023 12:40

That’s true . He prefers not to hang out with them as I think he just feels on the edge of the group Even though they invited him along at the start he was left feeling like the spare wheel. I just don’t want him to revert to gaming online as the safe place . He’s happier gaming online than hanging out at the football pitch and but I don’t think it’s healthy to have your only relationships bring relationships that are based on line .

OP posts:

Exasperatednow · 16/01/2023 12:42

I think you need to help him find an activity outside of school that has a different group of people. It really helps balance out the intensity of school/village friendships.
One of mine did Drama and the other rugby. Friendships shift, it is a normal part of both childhood and even adult life.

boobalie · 16/01/2023 12:52

Sorry your son is having a hard time.

If they did invite him at the start did he not enjoy it because he doesn't like football so didn't feel like part of the group.

Honestly it's completely understandable to be sad for your son, but this is normal and friendships change. It sounds like the friends interests have changed.

The mum hasn't done anything wrong, she has absolutely no control over a 15yo boys friendships.

VariationsonaTheme · 16/01/2023 13:25

Does your ds actively dislike sport or does he just think he’s not very good at it? There are plenty of ‘minority’ community sports clubs where he would be welcomed (or even non-minority sports, thinking of rugby/hockey)

Original poster

Michelle2023 · 16/01/2023 15:21

I think the hard thing was that he was hanging around with him at the start - the two of them for the first year and then the other best friend popped into the situation and they stopped asking my son . The other guy would be regarded as cooler , more into girls etc. my son is just going through puberty now ( he hasd asthma so apparently it pushes it out a year ) and these guys are further down that journey. there is times I would drop my son to school and the ex best friend would just walk past him and not even say ‘hello’. This is someone he was best friends with for 8 years so I definitely think there is a lack of sensitivity and empathy . After 8 years you’d think he could say ‘hi’.

OP posts:

Original poster

Michelle2023 · 16/01/2023 15:26

I do know that I do always try to teach my kids empathy and kindness . I know there was a neighbours girl who was struggling in secondary school and I mentioned to my daughter I think she’s having a hard time just make sure yo say hi and include her if you can , which she did and this girls experience has been turned around . My daughter has introduced her to her bunch of friends and invites her to the disco ms with them . Surely we should be teaching our kids kindness and empathy . If we are teaching them to just look after their own happiness all the time and not consider how others may feel - are we not just encouraging them to be self centred .

OP posts:

Vallmo47 · 16/01/2023 15:31

These things unfortunately happen. I’d feel awful for my kid if his friends ditched him, but I’d feel equally bad if my kid distanced himself from his best friends. But it happens and out of my control. Please please stay out of it.

WhatNoRaisins · 16/01/2023 16:14

From the other mums pov you just can't make your kids do these things, I get suggesting things but if other things like being cool or being part of a group are the priority it will fall on deaf ears. Teens are really quick to ditch those they perceive as less mature than them and it's a really ugly age for friendships.

I think you've just got to get your son through this period while accepting what you can't change. Work on his confidence and maybe in time this will be a learning experience.

Flip