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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

How do you encourage your teen to confront the truth without invalidating them?

19 replies

Forgiveourfoolishmaze · 15/01/2023 22:09

Please be gentle as I am feeling fragile after an awful row with my teen dd who will be nineteen next month.

The facts are that she has an exam tomorrow connected to a vocational qualification. She hasn’t studied enough.

And she told me tonight that she postponed it for the second time a couple of weeks ago without telling me. I am cross about this because she postponed it last year for the same reason and promised she would study hard second time around.

I asked her why she hadn’t studied enough and she made a load of excuses that simply weren’t true such as she was ill. But as this was a retake she has had plenty of time. And all year she has only had a cold for two days, a one day stomach bug which wasn’t that bad and some period pain. But apart from that she has been fine.

I then asked her why she had been out all this weekend when she could have been studying and that was when she almost shouted that I was a narcissist and that I was invalidating her.

And that’s when I lost my temper because I am a single parent and I have always done my best to put her first in everything and sorry but I am not going to sympathise with things that aren’t true! Or let her get away with lies and excuses.

Also she does have a second opportunity to take the exam in June but she has a lot of other exams too and I was cross that she was making things even harder for herself.

So how do your challenge your teen’s “truth” without them feeling that you are not on their side? I am honestly not one of those parents who cares more about exams than the child themselves but I do want dd to be able to get a good job.

Thank you for reading this far.
I know I should have handled this better and kept calm.

I tried to explain that parental love meant sometimes asking hard questions not just providing hugs and birthday cakes but she genuinely thinks I hate her and that I am not on her side which is much worse than her blowing off the exam.

OP posts:

Youdoyoubabe · 15/01/2023 22:11

Wait til a fresh new day for sure. You could try writing it in a short letter.

Original poster

Forgiveourfoolishmaze · 15/01/2023 22:18

Yes that’s a good idea thanks Youdoyoubabe.

I don’t understand where all this narcissist talk comes from or really what it means. It wasn’t an expression we used when I was young.

OP posts:

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 15/01/2023 22:19

At nearly 19 I think you have to let her get on with it.

If she fails she fails - that's up to her to sort out.

I would challenge her if she's lying though, that's not invalidating her it's just pointing out the facts.

Also if she's gaslighting you and being rude I'd call her out on that as well, that's not okay.

Original poster

Forgiveourfoolishmaze · 15/01/2023 22:25

Thanks Girliefriendlikespuppies you are right - I thought that as I was typing out my op. She needs to take responsibility herself.

I feel so sad atm because we seem to be arguing over everything and she seems to genuinely believe I am attacking her for the sake of it when I only want the best for her and would frankly rather never have to remind her about revision ever again.

OP posts:

Ameanstreakamilewide · 15/01/2023 22:26

I recently read something about how we parent our children, and it said something like 'Sometimes you have to let them fall, and hopefully they'll only graze their knee'.

So I agree with the PP who said that if your daughter fails, the exam - she'll have to face the consequences later on.

But, either way, she might learn a valuable life lesson.

Original poster

Forgiveourfoolishmaze · 15/01/2023 22:28

That makes sense thanks Ameanstreakamilewide

OP posts:

babytum · 15/01/2023 22:57

You’re not invalidating her truth, you’re calling her out on her bullshit. I’d have done the same. Agreeing with her will do her no favours, she’d end up blaming you for not making her study 😂.
You know the old saying, attack is the best form of defence, that is what she’s done. You’ve called out her bs, she tried to justify her wrongdoing by attacking you, therefore she’s right, you’re wrong and you don’t care.
Let the dust settle, have a good objective think about what points you need to get across, consider what she might say and keep your voice measured and serious.

JenniJennyJeni · 15/01/2023 23:02

I have no advice just wanted to let you know you’re not alone. DS was the light of my life until he turned 18 and now I’m really struggling with him. It’s painful to watch but we have to let them make their own mistakes. I feel your pain 💔

FaceLikeCattle · 15/01/2023 23:12

Invalidating her truth! People come out with such crap. There's only one truth and it isn't that she was ill. If you agreed that she was too ill to study for the last few months, then you wouldn't be validating her, you would be pandering to her nonsense. I can't see that benefiting anyone.

You don't need to argue with her to get her to study, it doesn't work anyway. If she wants to fail, then that's her decision. She has to learn internal motivation. You can't follow her to uni or to her job to make sure she does the required work.

Also, if you don't get involved, then she can't hold you responsible.

KateBalesCardi · 15/01/2023 23:41

You’re not invalidating her truth, you’re calling her out on her bullshit

I would have to bite my tongue not to say exactly this to your DD in your shoes OP, although it would probably be unwise if you want to keep the peace! It's 100% true though and you shouldn't put up with her gaslighting you, maybe try to find a more tactful way of expressing the same sentiment

I think you do have to let her make her own mistakes and hopefully learn from the consequences now though, it's time she took some responsibility for herself

Mardyface · 15/01/2023 23:46

I echo those saying let her get on with it, but tell her that's what you're doing and also tell her what you are expecting from her (e.g she's able to pay her way/move out/whatever by September/whenever) and mean it.

The narcissist bollocks is infuriating but it's the kind of argument you can't rise to without being accused of proving the assertion so try to let it wash over you.

Original poster

Forgiveourfoolishmaze · 16/01/2023 00:44

Thank you for these answers. I’ve calmed down a bit now!

On reflection my mistake was trying to micro manage and not letting her take the fall. She’s already cancelled the exam so there was nothing to be gained from making her defensive.

I will continue to point out any lies about being ill though as I don’t want her to shirk responsibility. I will try and be calmer and more tactful in my approach.

about it! She is quite young for her age. No where close to moving out yet as she is in ft education but that’s ok as long as she focuses on what she is doing.

The narcissist bollocks is infuriating but it's the kind of argument you can't rise to without being accused of proving the assertion so try to let it wash over you

Totally this, where is it all coming from? The only place I see it mentioned is on Mumsnet!

Thank you very much JenniJennyJeni but sorry you are in the same boat.

OP posts:

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 16/01/2023 00:48

Leave her to it. My Mum micro managed me when I was younger and years down the line we both agree she shouldn't have.

Just make it clear that If she fails she will have to get a job and contribute to the household financially. In fact at 19 she should already have a little part time job?

Mardyface · 16/01/2023 10:25

Forgiveourfoolishmaze · 16/01/2023 00:44

Thank you for these answers. I’ve calmed down a bit now!

On reflection my mistake was trying to micro manage and not letting her take the fall. She’s already cancelled the exam so there was nothing to be gained from making her defensive.

The narcissist bollocks is infuriating but it's the kind of argument you can't rise to without being accused of proving the assertion so try to let it wash over you

Totally this, where is it all coming from? The only place I see it mentioned is on Mumsnet!

Thank you very much JenniJennyJeni but sorry you are in the same boat.

As if someone with a narcissist parent would dare tell the parent so at 19 or any other age without a load of therapy. Asking someone why they have chosen partying over studying for an imminent exam definitely doesn't qualify 😁

LindaEllen · 16/01/2023 11:15

If our 19yo behaved like this, he would be told that he either studied properly, or got a job and paid us for his keep.

We aren't subsidising anyone to go out partying when we can't afford to ourselves.

lailamaria · 16/01/2023 17:08

okay but this is narcissistic i'm sorry its not her fault you were a single parent 'And that’s when I lost my temper because I am a single parent and I have always done my best to put her first in everything'

OriginalUsername2 · 16/01/2023 17:13

She’s 19! Let her make her own decisions (and mistakes!)

Original poster

Forgiveourfoolishmaze · 16/01/2023 19:09

lailamaria · 16/01/2023 17:08

Is it? I think it would be narcissistic if I kept telling her how hard it is as a single parent but I try and keep that stuff to myself.

I lost my temper when she said I was invalidating her because I have always done everything to put her first and understand her side of things. I have fought battles on her behalf. Supported and encouraged her. I shouldn’t have lost my temper I agree and I regret that. But I was angry about her throwing opportunities away. For her sake not mine!

OP posts:

TheGander · 22/01/2023 17:56

People throw the word narcissist/ narcissistic around like confetti these days. Surely its ok to have feelings of frustration and express them once in a while, even if you are a parent.

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