Normal teenage behaviour?

[Sunnyjac]

Hello wise mumsnetters. I’m at the start of the teenage journey, one 13 year old, one 11 1/2 year old (who may as well be a teenager) and an 8 year old. All girls.

I’ve spent parts of this weekend in tears at the behaviour of my older two. Particularly DD2 who has been so angry since she got off the school bus on Friday. I think there are some problems at school and I have contacted them for support (they’re usually pretty good). I think she’s finding the transition from year 6 to year 7 much tougher than we expected.

Yesterday she claimed not to be hungry most of the day so I had to put my foot down about that at teatime. She’s eaten better today but is still on a trigger.

DD1 has suspected ADHD and autism, currently awaiting diagnosis with the support of the school. She’s getting better at regulating herself.

DD3 gets caught in the crossfire between them.

I guess what I’m asking is, is DD2’s level of anger, maintained for hours at a time and triggered in following days, normal teenage behaviour? I feel shocked at her vitriol, her hate and contempt for all of us when triggered. Do I need to just work on my own relentless calm and zen to get through the next few years or do I need to worry about DD2?

Thanks everyone

That sounds difficult, OP 💐

I have two DDs who are early teens and thankfully we haven't had this situation yet, but one of my DDs does get angry and upset at times. When she storms off into her room, she does respond to me or DH going in a few minutes later and, although she doesn't always tell us why she's upset, she does seem to appreciate a hug and our effort to check on her. I often follow it by suggesting that we do something nice together - watch one of her favourite programs, have a snack, maybe do some baking, or do a quiz game together (she likes playing Who Wants To Be A Millionnaire on the app on my phone). Would something like that help?

Thanks for replying. This weekend DD2 hasn’t responded to us checking on her, she’s still been angry with us. It has improved a bit later on today and we had a calm evening. I will try more nice time together, I never feel as present as I’d like

Sorry you’re going through this OP. I have two 15 year olds and a 17 year old. I don’t know what to say, other than these teen years have been the biggest learning curve for me, out of all the different ages and seasons of life. I have questioned what on earth I have got myself into more than once. Teenagers are a different breed. They can be so moody and angry at times - and sometimes THEY don’t even know why. Hormones is my guess. With all the social media these days, it could literally be anything from a mean comment on one of their posts to a disagreement with a friend, to not feeling accepted enough because they don’t have the newest iPhone or the trendiest jeans. It’s a crap shoot I tell ‘ya. The biggest piece of advice that I could give would be to try your best to keep those lines of communication open with your dd’s. Be ready to talk about anything, anytime…even if it makes you a bit uncomfortable. I have luckily developed a strong bond with each of my kids, and we have had a lot of awkward conversations…but it keeps me involved in their lives and present. Make sure that they know that you are on their side no matter what and that they can talk to you about anything. Give them space when they’re angry and upset, but check in with them every once in a while so that they know that you’re there for them. It’s a wild ride…

Thanks @Mom2ccj , it certainly feels like a rollercoaster already! I appreciate the advice and will keep the communication going

Dd in her early tween/teen years (and still a bit now at 17) was like a toddler. Their brains are changing so much and it was like she regressed but with increasing independence and hormones. Hungry, tired, bored, needing exercise, couldn't find the words to express herself, all could lead to tears or tantrums. Just listen, feed, encourage good routines and let it wash over you, unless she's well out of order, in which case make sure you keep boundaries in place so she knows you are still the adult. It does get better and worse but that's something to look forward to 😉.

I have been fortunate my teens (15 and 16) haven’t been too bad. At 11 my DD had clearly started puberty but still mostly behaved like a ‘kid’. But certainly friends of mine have had the door slamming, screaming, being called ‘an f-ing bitch’ etc from their 13/14 yo. And they’ve all mostly come around by about 17.

This is just my view but I would be cautious about thinking of your 11yo as a teenager. The teenage years are long enough without tacking an extra couple of years on!

I would probably be considered old fashioned but at 11 my kids’ lives were very much centred around home and family rather than friends. I think/hope it has protected them from some of the more negative aspects of those transition years.

@Everydaywheniwakeup that’s a good description! It does feel like tantrums but on steroids! You just don’t expect such unreasonable responses from an 11 year old but she does get locked into her viewpoint and her ability to see any other disappears. Great point about boundaries, will make sure they’re firmly in place. I’ll try to forget your final comment for now 🫣

@Remaker also helpful thank you. You’re right about not tacking on extra teenage years. I’m just trying to understand what’s happening so I can help her. She’s definitely got hormones as her body is developing already. The friends issue is coming into play because she says she has none at her secondary school. I thought she’d settle with relative ease into year 7 but that’s not the case. She doesn’t enjoy school or want to go, so different to primary. I’m encouraging her to talk to me, hopefully I’ll get more understanding.

Meanwhile I will practice my calm

Is she different in the holidays? Is she consistently like this?

if this is out of character (compared to previous years) I would wonder if she felt out of kilter. I would aim to bond more, find a regular shared hobby, draw her close and help her feel well held emotionally, see if you can find the root of her unhappiness, consider counselling, model balanced behaviour and voice processing your own problems, slowly help her gain perspective, do the same with the other child caught in the crossfire.

What sort of things is she pushing the boundaries with? Or disagreeing about?

Girls are at their worst at about 12. It's usually hormones. Has she started her periods yet?

Read or listen to Mum what's wrong with you? By Lorraine candy. I got it free on an audible trial. It helped me immensely to understand and cope with teen girls.
My 21 Yr old had been a tough ride and even now can be moody and snappy. My nearly 12 year old has been a breeze so far but I feel prepared for what is to come if it does.

@HandsOffMyCarrierBags she had similar moments in the Christmas holiday. Your advice to bond is very helpful and something I feel I don't do enough with any of them. The boundary pushing seems to be about disagreements with her older sister and then she just gets so rude and aggressive with all of us, telling us she hates us, lots of nasty comments such as how she wishes her older sister would disappear or leave. It's like she's just lashing out, and she seems to know it's unreasonable but can't seem to stop herself.

@Frenchfancy not yet!

@Ledkr I did read that a while back but probably need to read it again!

Thank you all

If she is neurodiverse then it may he she is totally overwhelmed and struggling at school.

I know many parents whose children really fell at the hurdle of secondary. If she actively doesnt want to go could you work with her to find out what she dislikes most about it

It’s sounds like it would be great to have quality 1:1 with each child individually. This might help ease the arguments. Bonding, helping each child feel appreciated and treasured.

@waterrat I believe my eldest is neurodiverse and I am now wondering about DD2. I’ve raised it with the SENCO at school. Really not sure if it’s that or just standard hormone-driven behaviour. DD1 definitely decompresses at home and takes it all out on us but is getting better at regulating.

@HandsOffMyCarrierBags you’re absolutely right!

They managed to have another big argument this evening on the five minute drive home from the bus!