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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Overwhelmed but know it’s ridiculous

22 replies

Domestic1980 · 12/01/2023 08:04

I have been a stay at home mum for over 13 years.
my eldest 2 children have left home and I have a 14 year old at home.
I’ve worked for my husband but from home but I decided to get a job for 2 reasons. One I get lonely been on my own all day and two I think it’s about time to do something for me before I get stuck in a rut.
I used to be a nurse but gave it up when the third child came along.
I was offered a job yesterday which is great. But now I’m having the fear of my son having to walk home and be on his own for an hour and a half three days a week.
I know it’s ridiculous but the thought of him getting hurt and I’m not there is making me so anxious.
I feel guilty making a choice that is for me.
it’s only a part time job about 15 mins from his school.
im probably writing this as a release .any other stay at home mums had this incredible guilt?
please be kind in your responses xx

OP posts:

determinedtomakethiswork · 12/01/2023 08:10

He will be absolutely fine. Why don't you make sure you get a ring doorbell? You will then be able to see that he is arriving home safely. This is your anxiety talking, not your reason!

Battlecat98 · 12/01/2023 08:10

The hardest guilt is a mother's guilt, I don't believe dads tend to feel it so much. It's a big change for all of you. I would make plans for what the new routine will look like and discuss it with your child.

I work (nurse) and do worry the same as you, I tell my dd/ds they can call or message. I used to get DD to message me once she was home, I don't anymore as it's just evolved to be normal.
It will be fine try not to stress to much, congratulations on your new job.

Original poster

Domestic1980 · 12/01/2023 08:11

@determinedtomakethiswork i have a ring door bell. I know I’m been stupid. ☺️

OP posts:

oudie · 12/01/2023 08:11

Is there any reason why your 14yo would 'get hurt'?

How does he get home from school now?

mumarooni · 12/01/2023 08:14

Maybe talk to him about it? You could explain why you'd like the job and what you are worried about or feeling bad about. Might be a good age for him to start understanding more about your needs, and also that jobs can be fulfilling, and compromises in relationships. I bet (hope!) he will put your mind at rest and support you. If not then it might be he really values that time with you around and at least you can both recognise that and not take it for granted.

Mindymomo · 12/01/2023 08:15

I was the same as you. Start now by not being at home for 15 minutes when he gets home, then add some time on. I worked till 5 two days a week, at first I would ring him just to make sure he’d got home, but you don’t need to do that if you’ve got a ring doorbell.

Hoppinggreen · 12/01/2023 08:17

Oh bless you, it is hard no matter how old they get.
I WFH but always try not to be in a meeting when my 14 year old gets home so I. An say hello and ask him about his day. Mostly he grunts at me and heads for the kitchen
It will be fine but you know that, you are just having a perfectly natural panic.

MorrisZapp · 12/01/2023 08:25

How does your 14 year old get home just now?

Original poster

Domestic1980 · 12/01/2023 08:29

@oudie no reason at all. He gets lifts to and from school and he will have to walk home which is about a mile when I start the job.
he goes out with his friends sometimes and we have left him before for an hour or so whilst we pop to b&q ect.

I’ve spoke to him about it and he is absolutely fine with it but to me in feels like I’m abandoning him.

OP posts:

Original poster

Domestic1980 · 12/01/2023 08:30

@MorrisZapp he gets lifts.

OP posts:

goldennotyetoldie · 12/01/2023 08:35

A bit of anxiety on a big life change is perfectly normal. And you're going through a big life change.

You know rationally that he'll be fine. At the heart if it is probably that you'll miss him. You miss the hubbub of busy family life. And subconsciously I expect you worry how you'll cope with it.

It's a really good idea to have got a job and re-started paid work. Once you get going it will get easier. Transitions are always hard, but he will be fine, as will you. Give it time.

You can WhatsApp him to keep in touch whilst you're at work. It's lovely that you have such a good relationship

Original poster

Domestic1980 · 12/01/2023 08:44

@goldennotyetoldie thank you for your kind words. My oldest 2 are doing really well for themselves in life good jobs and good people but when they left home I realised that I became redundant to them and it hit me hard so my reasoning was to get a bit of my own life back before the youngest leaves the nest. For years all my focus has been on my boys. Your words have really helped thank you xx

OP posts:

3sthemagicnumber · 12/01/2023 08:58

Hello!
I get where you're coming from. I WFH and always stop to have a chat (or offer a chat - sometimes there's no chat forthcoming 😂!) when my teens get in from school. I always feel a bit bad on the infrequent occasions I'm not at home when they get back (just in case today is the day they need something - it never has been yet). But there's a part of me that thinks it would be good for them to get in and sort themselves out more often, and I wonder if they would relish the space and independence (see how we can second-guess ourselves about anything).
When I was a teenager (14 or 15 I think), my mum got a job that involved being out until early evening three days a week. Some of those days I would get the dinner ready for when she got home. And actually, I loved it. I loved the space and the responsibility and I learnt to cook a few things. It was brilliant.
You don't know yet how it will work out for either of you and that's unsettling. There's every chance it will be a great thing for both of you, or a great thing for one of you and an OK thing for the other (also fine). And in the event it really doesn't work, you can do something else. I also think waiting for a chance is far worse than the actual change, so you are doing the hardest bit now!

Greatly · 12/01/2023 09:04

Don't worry OP.

My kids used to ride when they were younger so I insisted they have a tracker app on their phone - life 360. Two of them have left home but they still have the app! It was really reassuring to be able to look at it and see where they were when out on a horse. Some kids are resistant to having one but mine never minded as it became useful when collecting them from festivals etc. They sometimes deactivate it when they feel like it. Perhaps your ds might download it then you can see he's arrived home safely? Benefit for them is no worried texts from parents!

Treetrim · 12/01/2023 09:05

Not only will he be fine but he will enjoy being on his own and by being less ‘there’ you will be doing him a favour and developing his independence skills

ChicCroissant · 12/01/2023 09:16

I went back to work after being a SAHM and I really missed being there for everything. It was me more than her though, she does miss me occasionally but we WhatsApp (I don't have my phone in work but can check it at breaks) which is helpful. In our case, my DH is around for her but was still learning the routines of school and after-school stuff so she did get to feel like the expert for a bit which was good.

I think you are doing the right thing OP. My own mum went back to work part-time in my late teens, she made a wonderful group of friends out of it and really enjoyed it.

fatfacemumma · 12/01/2023 09:18

Go enjoy that new job. Your son will be fine.

notbloodylikely · 13/01/2023 09:04

I changed jobs last year which meant my youngest had to walk to school on his first day at secondary, it really upset me because I took his siblings to their first days. And even though he walked with his DSis, I felt awful!

ThaTrìCaitAgam · 14/01/2023 12:55

I think he’ll probably will enjoy his alone time. He’s at that age kids love some independently, and if he doesn’t now, he soon will.

Don’t feel guilty! Talk to him. Maybe he’ll be thrilled for you.

Forever42 · 14/01/2023 12:59

He will be fine. Many other kids of working parents will have been coming home alone from a much younger age. My own DD has been letting herself in and staying alone for 1-2 hours since age 11. She's spe t a whole INSET day at home with me just popping in at lunchtime. If you've never left uim for more than an hour, this sounds like the perfect opportunity for him to start developing some independence. Good luck with the job.

MincePiesAreMyJam · 14/01/2023 13:14

Oh it does sound anxiety inducing if you've never really done it, but honestly he will be fine.

Mine have been coming home alone since the start of Y7, and been on their own until about 5 when one of us gets home. We've had a few disasters, broken plates, missed buses, etc, but on the whole they have coped absolutely fine. They also spend inset days at home alone unless one of us can arrange WFH, but it's not always possible.

FictionalCharacter · 14/01/2023 14:18

This is just irrational “mum guilt” and you know that, but try thinking of it in a more positive way. He’s growing up, he’s 14, not a little boy any more. This is a small part of him growing up. He’s perfectly capable of walking to school like many other kids do. At home he can make himself snacks and drinks and do what he wants. Most likely he’ll enjoy that bit of independence, and you’ll feel proud of him for growing up a bit more.

Worrying about him getting hurt and you not being there is a bit daft. Has he never been away from home? I hope this isn’t your usual way of thinking because it sounds like catastrophising. In the unlikely event that he somehow gets hurt, he’ll cope - and you’re only 15 minutes away anyway.

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