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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Teenagers and dating

18 replies

Mom2ccj · 10/01/2023 14:59

Hi everyone, I’m new here and have twin 15 year old dd’s and a 17 year old ds. We’re entering the “dating” phase over here and this is all brand new territory for me. My 17 year old has not had a serious gf yet, but one of my dd’s was dating a (super sweet) boy for the past 2 months. I know it’s not a long time, and it’s her first relationship, but I really liked this boy and thought they were a good match. He was so respectful, polite and kind…I guess in my mind, I had already gotten used to the idea of him being around and was happy that she had chosen him. Well yesterday, she broke up with him. She’s only 15, so I totally get that she may not have been ready for a relationship yet, or that she would just rather be friends with him. That’s totally fine! But I feel so sad that it didn’t work out for them, because I thought he was such a great choice. I actually feel weird that I’m so sad about this…but here we are. So I guess what I’m asking is, how do you deal with teens and the inevitable break ups that will happen. It’s hard not to get emotionally invested and I’m trying to prepare myself for the future when I will potentially have 3 teenagers dating…

OP posts:

Slavica · 10/01/2023 17:49

I don't have words of wisdom, but wanted to say I understand where you're coming from.
I have a 14.5 year old DD who I'm pretty sure will have her first boyfriend soon. There is a particular boy she's been friends with for ages (from school and, very intensely, online), but neither of them seems able to make a first step. A part of me thinks they've met too early, as they seem an excellent match and at this age it will inevitably fizzle out, whether it turns into an actual relationship or not. It is so hard to maintain a distance!

Withholdingvitalinfo · 10/01/2023 17:58

My 19 yr old DS was dumped by his GF after they’d both been at (different ends of the country) unis a couple of months. They’d been together 1.5 years.

Can’t tell you how pleased and relieved I am it’s over. We have our son back. The GF and her family were all-consuming and we lost him for over a year. He saved all his nice for her and her family. They were nice enough but it was way too much.

Fortunately he has a wonderful group of friends who have forgiven his absence and he’s had the most wonderful Christmas break reacquainting himself with life. With her he stayed in all the time, which isn’t really want you want for your sociable 18 year old.

So it’s a rollercoaster - I for one didn’t enjoy the ride and am glad it’s over! Until next time 😂

TenSheds · 11/01/2023 19:02

I'm fairly new here too :-) DD16 started dating her first BF(18) a couple of months ago. He's lovely, they're both head over heels, and I'm delighted for her. It's really reassuring to hear another mum being emotionally invested in their teens' relationships! I know that, really, it's unlikely to last, especially when he heads off to uni, and I'm dreading the end if/when it comes. But meanwhile, it's been really heartwarming to see their tentative first steps in dating. She's his first GF too so they're figuring everything out together. I've been so proud at how responsible, tender and playful they are together, and touched by how much she's confided in me. It means we see less of her, of course, and quite often have a gangly lad to accommodate unexpectedly, but it feels quite a privelege to be part of this crucial stage of her life. (I fully appreciate I'm lucky in having a easy-care teenager and a good relationship with her, I know others have more challenging situations, but for us, I'm really enjoying this age.)

Iliveditwizbit · 11/01/2023 19:06

It’s a rollercoaster!
The ones you get attached to , they dump.
The ones you detest, they fall head over heels with. The trick is surely to to fawn over the terrible ones and be passive about the ones you love!

Slavica · 11/01/2023 20:11

Iliveditwizbit · 11/01/2023 19:06

I was wondering if something like this is bound to happen. I think back to some of my boyfriends and wonder how my parents managed so well when the red flags were abundant and obvious.

Original poster

Mom2ccj · 11/01/2023 23:54

Yes! I feel so privileged to be a part of this journey/experience with her. And I’m so, so happy that she is including me and being open and honest with me. I also feel like I’m going to enjoy these years with my teens, since it can be such a fun time. I guess, as a parent, I just really got such a good vibe from this kid. At only 15yrs old he seemed to be very respectful and that is SUCH a big deal!

OP posts:

Original poster

Mom2ccj · 11/01/2023 23:57

Iliveditwizbit · 11/01/2023 19:06

I already feel like I’ve been on a roller coaster and this has only just begun!!

OP posts:

BurnstonesMama · 14/02/2023 12:54

If anyone works out how not to get emotionally invested in their children's choices/relationships the please let me know!
Heartbreak hotel at our house at the moment too and even I've got a lump in my throat.

Original poster

Mom2ccj · 22/02/2023 23:47

BurnstonesMama · 14/02/2023 12:54

Awww, so sorry. I know exactly how you feel. It’s so hard. Thinking of you…

OP posts:

shmiz · 02/03/2023 11:04

Just reading this thread today as my 15yr dd
dating bf of nearly a year is going through a rough patch, it’s so hard to see the upset and everything and be supportive but not too invested
to be there totally, but to maintain a distance to allow her to find her way through this ….
oh goodness, this parenting park is tough !!!
although as I write that, it occurs to me that being a teenager in todays society, (phones) is truly tough

Original poster

Mom2ccj · 02/03/2023 14:12

Schmiz, it really is one of the hardest situations to be in for you and your teen. I feel your pain and completely understand what you’re saying about being involved and supportive but not too invested…and letting her work through it, but also wanting to help her however you can. It’s awful and heartbreaking. One of my dd’s, also 15yrs, has been talking with a guy for a few weeks now and just when she was starting to develop some feelings for him, he kind of backed off a little and she is hurt and confused and stressed and it’s awful to watch her go through those emotions. As much as I try to distance myself…after all, it is HER life and it was just the beginning of a possible relationship, she’s hurt. And when she’s hurting, I’m hurting. Sending you hugs…

OP posts:

shmiz · 02/03/2023 15:09

Thank you @Mom2ccj

I appreciate your reply -
it’s all so emotional 🥲

Slavica · 02/03/2023 18:22

@shmiz and @Mom2ccj , I feel for you and your daughters! It is so very hard - managing the giddiness and the big feelings (including my own getting stirred up), and I can only imagine how hard it is to deal with disappointment and heartbreak.
My dd14 now does indeed have a boyfriend - the boy she's been "talking to" for ages - and we are negotiating rules, making sure that other things in her life do not suffer because of this. It's school holidays here so it's easy, but let's see how it goes once school restarts. My DH and I also have to agree on what's reasonable and acceptable for both of us, as it turns out my inclination is to be more permissive than he is.
We hope to meet the boy this weekend, his parents apparently want to meet her too so both sets of parents are aware of the developments, at least. How do you meet your daughter's first boyfriend?! Aaaaaaah. I guess you smile and keep it short (both DH and I are natural introverts).

TwoPointFourCatsAndDogs · 03/04/2023 07:29

I’m so glad I found your post OP, I was recently in exactly the same position and felt like I was going crazy as I was so upset about the break up. He was a lovely, lovely boy, in our house for dinner weekly, slipped right into family life. Poor DD15 was heartbroken, it was awful to see her in so much pain. The whole situation completely blindsided me, I’m definitely going to need some coping strategies for the forthcoming years.

Slavica · 03/04/2023 15:20

@TwoPointFourCatsAndDogs , oh, I can relate to this! How is your DD now? How long for her to get over the worst of the broken heart? If you don't mind sharing, how did you counsel her to behave with respect to social media after the breakup, if she uses them (as my DD tells me some breakups happen on social media and that amplifies and prolongs the drama).
We met the boy three weeks ago, my DD met his parents and so far so good. We are foreigners here, so I was a bit worried that we would embarrass DD, but it went fine (the language of this European country is my third, so while I can speak it, I have to concentrate and still make lots of mistakes). My DH is worse.
However, his father is also foreign so I think both kids are used to people butchering the language.

TwoPointFourCatsAndDogs · 03/04/2023 16:10

@Slavica DD is just 15 and the break-up was 5 1/2 weeks ago, after 7 months he dumped her by text 😡
The first week was awful, crying, being sick before school but she managed not to cry in school (they’re at the same school) and she was hopeful he’d change his mind. Second week she was angry, third week resigned to the situation and the last few weeks much, much better, doesn’t want to talk so much about it although she wants to understand what she ‘did wrong’. We’ve talked every few days as she has processed it all, hopefully we’re nearly there.
Regarding social media, she uses the acronym HALT. So don’t post anything if you are:

Hungry
Angry
Lonely
Tired

Which she has stuck to, thankfully, so we’ve not had any social media worries.

I’m sure your DD is very proud of you and your 3 languages, but I can imagine your worry about embarrassing her.

ValuePartnership · 03/04/2023 16:16

I grew up gay and age 14 to 18 just longed and longed and longed for a boyfriend -- a kid like me to like and have fun with, share with, and never go further than (lots of) kisses. Never did get one. Never had all the emotional experience of meeting, connecting, dumping, being dumped. Just think what fantastic rich emotional grounding in life and love your dds are getting.

Slavica · 03/04/2023 16:51

@TwoPointFourCatsAndDogs , your poor DD! Dumping by text sounds so painful, someone should teach these kids basic etiquette!
Thank you for telling me about HALT, it is a very good rule to live by. Your girl sounds quite mature and you like a lovely mother.

@ValuePartnership , thank you for your kind words, and all the best to you from this internet stranger.

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