I’ve NCd for this as some of my posts under my normal username are somewhat identifiable and I would prefer to not share this with anyone I know in RL.
This is really REALLY long – I’m sorry, but I am at my wit's end. I don’t use the word devastated lightly (often banded around for melodrama, I find) but I really am at the moment.
For those TLDR people – ADHD 14YO DD gets bullied, then makes new groups of friends and starts getting into trouble (for minor things) at school, plus drinking/smoking/vaping...and god knows what else. Now wondering WTF to do for the best.
Background: I have a 14 YO DD (one of the youngest in Yr 10) who has ADHD (recently medicated – still trying to find the correct dose), and exhibits all the symptoms of combined type ADHD to a lesser or greater extent, including focus and attention problems, difficulty forming and maintaining relationships, risky behaviour (but always taking the form of physical behaviour such as climbing very high things etc.), desperation to be liked etc. She also has chronic tic disorder. She had always been such a bright, gregarious, happy kid who, although somewhat difficult due to her ADHD symptoms, wasn't badly behaved, indeed she is/was very popular with adults/her teachers. She was the victim of some nasty bullying at high school for about 18 months, which called calmed down at the start of this academic year.
About 2 months ago, I found a vape pen in her room. DH and I obviously disposed of the offending item, talked to her at length (not yelling, more trying to educate/reason with her) and she was grounded. At this time she had made friends with a group of kids her age (from various schools) in a close-by village, who I didn’t know well but was happy that she finally had a group of friends after the bullying of the previous months, that probably clouded my judgement as I had reservations about some of them (nothing massive) but I encouraged the friendships by ferrying her to and from the village – the friendship with this group seems to have fizzled out (well actually, it went out with a bang when 3 of the boys threw eggs at her “as a joke” a couple of weeks ago). She had also made friends with some new girls at school, again whom I was not at all keen on – but at least she had someone to sit with at lunch etc.
There have been a couple more vape pen incidents, both dealt with in the same way, but with more serious punishments and promises from her that she’s seen the error of her ways. I believed her. A couple of weeks ago she visited her friends after school on the Friday and returned and went straight to sleep (v unusual). When I tried to wake her for dinner it was almost impossible to rouse her and I was getting VERY worried until I managed to, it was then I smelt the booze on her breath and she admitted that she had drank a few cans of lager. Obviously, I was not at all happy with her and it prompted a bigger conversation about where she was heading if she continued on this path – and the people she was hanging around with. Although we took it seriously, we also looked at it in the context of her being a teen, with neurodiversity, who has struggled to make and keep friends.
By this time, I had asked to see her phone and found photos of both groups of new friends with cans and vape pens, I also found photos of her in her underwear which she had shared with a boy. We, again, sat her down and tried to explain the seriousness of the situation – I’ve always tried to eek out of her why she was doing these things and listen to her, and we’ve already had various pre-emptive conversations about social media, sharing words or photos which are out of her control as soon as she presses send, the consequences of this etc. I told her I would be spot-checking her phone from then on – not that doing this was a guarantee of being able to monitor her, considering most of her chats are deleted/not visible once opened (Whatsapp).
Last night it all came to a head. She asked to be dropped off at her dance class early so she could “warm up with a friend”, which I happily did. When she returned home she had dinner and went upstairs. I went to check on her when it got to bedtime and she was already asleep, with yet another vape pen lying on her chest. She woke up, and of course, I was very upset with her after all her promises, as was DH. We sat down with her yet again and made it perfectly clear how utterly disappointed we were and I asked to see her phone. Well, bloody hell, not only has she been vaping; there were photos of her smoking cigarettes with this friend earlier, and conversations about taking alcohol (spirits) into school and drinking it afterwards - which she admitted she's been doing with her friends (not that she's been particularly late home after school, maybe half an hour). I gave her the chance to tell us about anything else she had hidden in her room, but she insisted the vape pen was it, not believing her (after recent events and the photos) DH went through her room and found 2, mainly empty, large bottles of spirits (Vodka and Bacardi), a pack of cigarettes, various lighters and vape pens … and 2 condoms. She swears the condoms were given to her by a friend as a joke, but I’ve got no idea whether this is true or not (maybe I should be grateful that she has contraception?!).
I’m not proud of myself, but I hit the roof and said some things I shouldn’t have such as how she was destined to fail in life if she continues down this road. We’ve taken her phone off her, along with her iPad, she is grounded and we are taking her and picking her up from school. For how long, I just don’t know. After seeing the conversations and photos of this group of friends I absolutely do not want her to hang around with them – especially as it turns out, one of them is the ringleader of her bullies from last year (WTF?? After everything this girl did to her), I am under no illusion that she is any less culpable than the rest of them but knowing how impressionable and desperate to please she is, hanging around with these girls (who I have found out have a history of getting into trouble), is a recipe for disaster.
What the fuck do I do? On the one hand, I have a child who has struggled to form and maintain friendships who I don’t want to alienate further from her peers, and on the other a child who is seemingly going off the rails. I can’t force her not to hang out with these girls at school, I suppose a have a little more control outside of school, but I do not want to be a helicopter parent who micromanages her child’s friendships, which I think will provoke her into pushing things even further.
I feel like the worst parent in the world, did I screw up so badly that this was inevitable? I’m trying to walk this tightrope of supporting and listening to your child along with disciplining them, holding them accountable for their behaviour and preparing them for the big wide world, but clearly failing catastrophically. Some of you may indeed find me melodramatic, but I have shed a lot of tears over the past 12 hours or so. Of course, the actions are very upsetting, but she’s lied so convincingly over the past couple of months or so – teens lying is nothing new, I know, but she was still insisting even at the point of knowing she was about to be found out when we looked in her room. I think I'm also upset about the fact that things seemed to be on the up for her as well; she was doing so much better academically since being medicated, and she was making friends.