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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

16 year old son with no motivation?

17 replies

Forgetaboutme · 09/01/2023 20:21

I don't know what to do with my son. He is 16 with no ambition or motivation. The only thing he wants to do is join the army but even then he hasn't really looked it up properly, it's just an idea in his head.

In the meantime he has stayed on in school. He has failed all his mock exams he took in December. He won't study. I've tried helping him but he is all over the place and can't focus at all. He says school is making him depressed. I'm reluctant for him to leave without something else to do as I honestly think he will just lay in bed all afternoon. He never had focus issues until this year so I think the pressure of this year has really got to him.

I've tried looking at college courses with him and apprenticeships but he's just not interested. I'm not keen on him joining the army until he is 18 so I haven't given him any help with that.

He's saying school is affecting his mental health. But surely I can't just let him quit and do absolutely nothing? I don't know what the point of this post is. I just want to help him. He is a good kid, he has one close friend and has never been in any real trouble. I just wish he could get motivated by something. It's so hard seeing him like the way he is now.

OP posts:

ThaTrìCaitAgam · 09/01/2023 20:54

That must be hard to cope with, OP.

You say he has never been like this? Maybe something else is going on? An unrequited love maybe?

ThaTrìCaitAgam · 09/01/2023 20:55

That must be hard to cope with, OP.

You say he has never been like this? Maybe something else is going on? An unrequited love maybe?

ThaTrìCaitAgam · 09/01/2023 20:59

That must be hard to cope with, OP.

You say he has never been like this? Maybe something else is going on? An unrequited love maybe?

ThaTrìCaitAgam · 09/01/2023 21:02

That must be hard to cope with, OP.

You say he has never been like this? Maybe something else is going on? An unrequited love maybe?

Original poster

Forgetaboutme · 09/01/2023 21:21

He seemed ok when he was off school over Christmas and was happy mingling with our family so I do think it is school related. But you never know. He's really hard to talk to at the moment.

OP posts:

shinynewapple22 · 09/01/2023 21:34

Does he have any interests or hobbies - sports perhaps - or even playing video games ? I think a lot of 16 year olds can be unmotivated around school / college but it is more of a worry if there is nothing at all that motivates him .

My DS became totally unmotivated by his A level course , stopped attending half the lessons and failed his first year . He swapped to doing an apprenticeship which was much more suited to him - he really enjoyed being out in the 'adult world '.

ThaTrìCaitAgam · 09/01/2023 21:34

There was an error earlier. I see I’ve posted the same several times. 🙀

It could be someone from school? But I’m only guessing. Do you know if he’s open with his friend?

SpentDandelion · 09/01/2023 21:48

I think a lot of young people feel like they should know what they want to do career wise etc at this age and if they don't it causes them a lot of stress.
Also many have outgrown school by now.
The future can seem very unpredictable and daunting.
I just try to encourage my sons to keep an open mind and be willing to experience life, and to know any decision is not set in stone, they can always chop and change if need be.

Original poster

Forgetaboutme · 09/01/2023 21:56

Thanks for the answers guys.

He does have some interests. He does two different sports he seems to enjoy although he goes through periods of skipping them for a couple of weeks because he can't be bothered. He is very into video games too. So yeh, I feel a bit reassured thinking about all that. He does spend a lot of time lying in bed on his phone though.

I think an apprenticeship would be good for him but he has no interest. Did you push your son into it? Or was he interested himself?

He is very open with his friend so he does have other people to talk to. His friend is very similar to him except his friend seems to be highly motivated and has plans for what he is doing after school and is getting good grades. He is a great friend to my son and always seems to be there for him.

OP posts:

Original poster

Forgetaboutme · 09/01/2023 22:03

Thanks SpentDandelion. I totally agree. I've told my son not to worry too much about the future. I just have no idea what to do with him now. If he leaves school I think he will just lay in bed all day. I don't see him looking for his next step in life. I don't know what to do for the best.

OP posts:

watchfulwishes · 09/01/2023 22:11

I would tell him he can leave school as soon as he has got arrangements for what he is going to do instead. I would tell him I support him. Ask him to work with you to find something he does want to do.

I think it is very common for young people to feel overwhelmed/daunted/panicked/demotivated - life is a bit scary.

Have you spoken to his tutor at school? I would do that asap.

jackiejeffersonbrown · 09/01/2023 22:14

I went through this my son (now 26), he was initially keen to stay on at school but something happened and he lost interest and motivation. He left school midway through the year and within a couple of weeks had joined up with a careers/guidance/training organisation who helped him set a plan to get into engineering. (I'm not in England so don't know what is available there but there should be something?), he also started volunteering to get experience/reference and then started working part time in retail while he went to college and eventually university. He graduated in 2020 so he spent over a year looking for a job (while still working part time when he could). It's been a journey and maybe a bit more complicated than the school/university route but it's all experience and he is better off for it imo.

UnfinishedUserna · 09/01/2023 22:20

I had this.

He was so unhappy at college. I made a deal he got a part time job and then reapplied for the following year for a different course (9 months later). He ended up working at mcdonald's but within 4 months saw an apprenticeship advertised on Facebook and now on a full time apprenticeship with college course provided. It all came down to finding something he enjoys I think.

shinynewapple22 · 09/01/2023 22:31

I think an apprenticeship would be good for him but he has no interest. Did you push your son into it? Or was he interested himself?

He actually suggested it as he said he wasn't sure he wanted to continue into his second year at college. We just helped him with finding out where to look online and made suggestions around his application. He chose what to apply for .

Karma2023 · 09/01/2023 22:35

Is he studying A levels? Could he try to join cadets so starts to understand what army life might be.

What have the teachers said?

Original poster

Forgetaboutme · 10/01/2023 06:21

Thanks again everyone. We are not in England but I believe he is studying our countries equivalent of A Levels in 3 subjects but also doing the equivalent of GCSE's in 2 different subjects. He was originally planning on staying in school next year to do more A Levels. I don't see that happening now. Most of his teachers have said he is disorganised and lacks focus but that he is capable. I tried to help him get organised by encouraging him to put things in folders etc but he just goes back to his old ways.

I will try to get him to take another look at apprenticeships and explain I'm reluctant for him to leave school without something else in place.

I guess I just worry because at 16 I applied for part time jobs myself and studied myself etc. He seems to need encouragement for everything and usually just sits barely listening to me anyway.

OP posts:

Cath75xyz · 19/01/2023 17:43

Hi. I think I could write exactly the same post about my 16 year old! Vaguely interested in the army but not really making any serious moves, doesn't like school (it's so boring), leaves everything at his feet despite constant nagging and has not got a clue what he wants to do. I think we've managed to persuade him to start a college course at the local polytechnic. We are in Scotland so he has been lucky enough to do what's called a foundation apprenticeship this year as part of his school. This means he gets to attend the local college for 1 day per week. It's in engineering and although he doesn't rave about it he seems to tolerate it more than school. So we are kinda encouraging him to at least go in that direction until he has more of an idea about what he wants. Like your boy, he is into his gaming, has a couple of good mates who he games with. Not causing any bother and is well behaved at school. Just not motivated by it. I feel your pain. It's hard to step back and let it unfold. Especially as he is our only child! One book that I found comfort and reassurance in was He's Not Lazy by Adam Price. If nothing else it helps explain how boys brain develop and why they act the way they do. It's helping me be a bit less worried. All the best x

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