Hi, my daughter is 14. She's autistic, has high anxiety, and we've discovered she self harms. She was placed under CAMHS, but they said she wasn't a severe case. She was seeing the school counsellor, but stopped going. She has another counsellor who she currently sees once a week.
She used to be the sweetest, funniest, kindest girl, really affectionate, and we were a close family. It's me, my husband, her and her younger brother. When she went back into school after lockdown the anxiety started, she started seeing the school counsellor who said she was autistic.
Over the last year she's withdrawn from family life. I put dinner on the table and she picks her plate up and takes it to her room. She doesn't want to watch a movie or play a game, she doesn't want to come on family days out. We had a family holiday booked for later this year but now I'm going with our son and my husband is staying behind with her.
I don't know what triggers the self harming, but I think it's mostly school anxiety. Little things she says about the noise, why don't people say what they mean, having to wait for other people's reactions in conversation because she doesn't get jokes and sarcasm. I think she's masking all day in school, then comes home and has 'post restraint collapse,' and needs time alone to recharge. So I understand that if she's been dealing with people all day in school that she needs time and space alone in the evening.
What's really upsetting is the way she speaks to me. She hates me. She's apparently moving out on her 18th birthday. I bought her a jumper she wanted, it arrived yesterday. She was out with her friends (she has a lovely group of friends and a lovely girlfriend, they've been dating for I think about 8 months, not that she tells me anything!) I put the jumper outside her room (I'm not allowed in) for her to check she was happy with it, before I removed the tags and washed it. My husband picked her up from her friends yesterday evening and she went straight upstairs to her room without speaking to anyone. I left it a bit, then took her a cup of tea. She opened the bedroom door and reached for the mug. I saw fresh cuts on her hands, she must have just done them. She took the mug and shut the door without speaking to me. This morning she's just walked into my room with her new jumper, dropped it on my bed and said 'I thought you would have washed it,' in her usual hostile voice (she never used to speak like that) and walked out.
I know she likes clothes to be washed before she wears them, but I like to make sure she's happy with them before I do that, as then I can't return them if they're wrong. She won't try clothes on in shops. I'd like her to say 'thanks for the jumper mum, I love it. Please could you wash it?' or even better wash it herself as she's perfectly capable!
But I'm so scared of causing her to self harm that I let her speak to me like this. I don't ask her to do any chores around the house at all. She send me a WhatsApp saying what she wants for dinner, she doesn't eat the same as the rest of us so I have to cook different meals. She won't cook for herself as she doesn't have time,' she always has too much homework. She's a good cook, I've always cooked from scratch and used to get them both to help. Because I can't ask her to do any chores I then don't ask her brother to as it isn't fair. So for the last year they've barely lifted a finger, not even emptying the dishwasher, making a sandwich or anything.
Every article I read about self harming talks about supporting them, why they're doing it etc. I can't find anything that tells me how to discipline her. How do I say 'That was rude, don't speak to me like that,' when she'll go and cut herself? So I'm basically a doormat, a scratching post, and I can't stand up for myself for fear of what she'll do. A few months ago I asked her to dust the living room, which she used to do as her weekly job (takes less than 10 minutes!) She gave me back a mouthful of attitude and I told her not to speak to me that way, she was being unfair and unreasonable. I did raise my voice. She came downstairs later looking like something from a horror film and we had to go to A+E. We were in the hospital for 21 hours, from A+E to the pediatric ward. The counsellor there was trying to get her to see that she lives in a house with other people and everyone has to contribute to the running of the house, but she refused to agree to any compromise.
I can't risk another A+E trip now, I think we'd be waiting there 3 days to see anyone! And I don't want my beautiful girl to have permanent scars because I asked her to empty the dishwasher. She's doing brilliantly at school, her reports are all excellent. She has a lovely group of supportive friends. It's just at home she's awful. She's terrible to family members as well, just puts noise cancelling headphones on and blanks them. I kept secretly crying in the loo Christmas day as it was so different to every Christmas before, I'm constantly apologising to family for her behaviour.
I don't know what to do. It's not fair on my son, he's 12 and sees his sister talk to us like dirt, she's horrible to him as well. I don't know what to do. I'm crying every day, I feel so lost. A year ago I never could have imagined our family being in this situation.
Does anyone have any ideas on how I can approach her about her rude way of speaking and her attitude to the family? I'll email her counsellor tomorrow, maybe they can bring it up with her. I don't know what to do. Please don't suggest taking away her phone and laptop, school homework is all apps and websites, plus she streams music to sleep and has study WhatsApp groups with her friends. I'd love to take it all away and see if she comes back to us, but I don't think it's realistic. Maybe in summer after her mocks!
Sorry for how long this is, it's all bottled up inside!