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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

If you have very sociable teens aged 18

21 replies

soitmustbeme · 06/01/2023 21:47

What expectations do you have, if any, about nights out?

Do you let them come and go as they please, as many nights as they want, and home whenever they want, it at all?

Or do you ask them to be home at a decent time midweek, and relax things at the weekend?

How much do you know about where they are and who they are with?

Thanks.

OP posts:

SpiritedSneeze · 06/01/2023 22:11

She can go out whenever she wants, and as much as she wants. I don't fund it so she only goes out as much as she can afford to and she is pretty sensible with money.
She also is sensible about getting up for college and work so she generally won't go out if she has to be up early.

I don't expect her to come in at a certain time- she has a key and knows to text me when she gets in. She knows that if she is stuck out somewhere she can ring and I will collect her but she has always just got taxis home.

She does let me know which group of friends she is going out with and usually where she is going, as in "I'm going out with the girls from drama, we're going to spoons first and then Levels". Normally her friends come and get ready at our house so I know who she is with.

lailamaria · 07/01/2023 06:23

go out whenever she wants surely, she's an adult and allowed to hang out with whoever she likes, and what do you mean a relaxed weekend surely you'd prefer the weekend than a tuesday night, do you just want her to sit at home not talking to anybody?

GADDay · 07/01/2023 06:34

My 18 year old DS has no curfew at any time. As pp said he knows that I am always there if he gets stuck.

I know his friendship group very well and have become friendly with most of the parents. He always tells me where he is going and texts to update me if plans change I.e staying at a mates.

AnotherAppleThief · 07/01/2023 06:39

No curfew though I do ask for a message if not coming home just so i know not to worry. He drives and no restrictions on where/ when he goes, of course, he's an adult. He's at uni during term time anyway.

ColinRobinsonsfamiliar · 07/01/2023 06:39

Is this a thing? My 19 year old never leaves his room unless he is going to work!

My niece however was expecting her 2nd child at 18, a fully grown adult and mother. Does that change perspective on enforcing rules?!
At 18 they are adults.

Smoky1107 · 07/01/2023 10:02

11pm curfew on week nights because the rest of the house has work and school, nothing at a weekend and comes and goes as she pleases. Works well, she's respectful of it and is happy

Original poster

soitmustbeme · 08/01/2023 14:54

Thanks for the replies.

Just struggling with mine just now. He's out 5 nights out of 6, and never knowing if he's coming home, and what state/mood he might be in when he does. Sleeping all day, and the level of drinking in itself is no good for him.

But I guess I need to just let it go, try and sleep myself, and hope he grows out of it.

Thanks.

OP posts:

HiccupHorrendousHaddock · 08/01/2023 14:59

Home by 11 when she has school in the morning just out of practicality, which she agrees with. Otherwise it’s up to her.

Postapocalypticcowgirl · 08/01/2023 15:04

soitmustbeme · 08/01/2023 14:54

Thanks for the replies.

But I guess I need to just let it go, try and sleep myself, and hope he grows out of it.

Thanks.

Does he have a job, or is he doing something productive- e.g. college?

If he doesn't, then I do think that changes a bit.

Do you charge him any rent?

BeaBachinasec · 08/01/2023 15:09

It's all very well to say "they're adults" but most 18 year olds are still at school and living at home.

DD is sociable but, as we live rurally, needs picking up from a night in town so some consideration needs to be shown to her dad and me. Pick up at midnight at weekends but we're flexible for special occasions.

We know who she's with and have her boyfriend's phone number. If she decides to go back to his for the night, she'll text. It's just showing consideration.

ItWasntMyFault · 08/01/2023 15:11

Ds is 19, there's no limits to going out, he just needs to be quiet when he comes in so he doesn't wake everyone, make sure he gets up for work the next morning and if he's staying at his girlfriend's house or a friends house then he needs to message me to let me know.

familyissues12345 · 08/01/2023 15:11

My only expectation is if you say you'll be home at a certain time, you message if that changes. Just stops me worrying.

DS has friends spread all over the place, so it's not unusual for him to be delayed driving back from somewhere/giving someone a lift so I appreciate knowing.

CovertImage · 08/01/2023 15:13

It's all very well to say "they're adults" but most 18 year olds are still at school and living at home.

Well quite. On different threads though they're apparently not adults till they're 25 (badly misuinderstanding scientific research). I can't get my head round it

Orangefir · 08/01/2023 15:15

At 18 you have no control over what he does with his nights HOWEVER it’s your home. It’s your rules, if you say he needs to be back at x time because you don’t want the house woken up in the early hours, then that’s your right. It’s then his right as an adult to decide if that’s something he can adjust to or he needs to move out and find his own space.

Dont roll over OP, you are experiencing these feeling of worry for a reason. A compromise can be made if he wishes to stay at home rent free. It’s a matter of respect.

EddieHowesBlackandWhiteArmy · 08/01/2023 15:18

DD is 19 but since being about 18 she’s down her own thing, she texts if she isn’t coming home and I leave her bedroom light on when I go to bed so I know if I wake up in the middle of the night whether she is home or not. Having said that she’s away at uni now and only home for holidays so I think that does change things a bit, although she does work when she is home, she doesn’t have college or school or anything else specific to get up for (mainly evening bar job).

BeaBachinasec · 08/01/2023 15:29

Well quite. On different threads though they're apparently not adults till they're 25 (badly misuinderstanding scientific research). I can't get my head round it

It's a process, isn't it? If they're still at school they need some boundaries. A lot of those they will set for themselves but they still need guidance at times.

Guess I'm not a cool mum.

Original poster

soitmustbeme · 08/01/2023 16:24

He has a job, although full time hours aren't materialising every week. I started charging him £45 a week a couple of weeks ago.

Over the last few months there's been nights he doesn't even keep his phone charged, and then isn't home when expected, and I'm climbing the walls.

I'm hoping these are just a bad few weeks and that we can come to an agreement about weekends being fair game, but this isn't how life is from here on in.

OP posts:

Cuppasoupmonster · 08/01/2023 16:28

CovertImage · 08/01/2023 15:13

It's all very well to say "they're adults" but most 18 year olds are still at school and living at home.

Well quite. On different threads though they're apparently not adults till they're 25 (badly misuinderstanding scientific research). I can't get my head round it

Was that my post? Why am I misunderstanding the research?

toomuchlaundry · 08/01/2023 16:29

Will he be sober in the morning if he has to go to work? Does he drive?

DS is soon to be 18 but is studying for A-levels. Currently he is of the non-social variety of teen, so more likely to be shut in his room than out and about! We would certainly be having a chat if he was out and about every evening and getting drunk.

gogohmm · 08/01/2023 16:35

Dd1 wasn't interested so was irrelevant, dd2 is very gregarious and had no curfew, but she was at boarding school anyway so I only dealt with school holidays.

HamBone · 08/01/2023 16:39

DD turns 18 this spring. She’s at school full time and has a p-t job on Friday and Saturday evenings-she finishes at 9 and usually goes out straight afterwards. She drives and we prefer her to be home by midnight because of that-it’s not her driving it’s other people’s late at night.

She often stays over at a friend’s instead of coming home, she texts us so we know.

We’re definitely on the cautious side, but similar to how my parents were with me, tbh. When she goes to university in the autumn, she can do what she likes!

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