Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Flip

Original poster

15yo wants gf to stay over

24 replies

Duckinghell80 · 31/12/2022 23:16

My ds (15) wants his gf to stay over. They’ve been together 5 months. She’s stayed a couple of times (if we’ve been out for family meal etc and he’s stayed there for same reasons) my DS sleeps on sofa when she’s here (which I don’t think is ‘proper’) but I obviously dont want them sleeping in the same room.
I didn’t want them staying over together to become a regular thing but it’s starting to get that way. She lives in a different town so it’s a decent distance for them to travel to see each other.
tonight I’ve told him it needs to stop and I only ever wanted it to be (very) occasional.
anyway, now he’s sulking.

im just looking for peoples opinions really, my parents would never have let this happen. I’m not really happy about it. Her mum seems to go above and beyond to facilitate this (which I find weird)

OP posts:

Thinkwicebeforeyouleavemylife · 31/12/2022 23:22

Honestly, I'd let them crack on provided she isn't staying on school nights or impinging on family life and taking the piss.
If teenagers want to have sex they'll do it, it's better in bed in a safe place than in some park or car somewhere.

I know that's boring, old advice but it's true!

Good luck op.

Juicylychee · 31/12/2022 23:23

I think 15 is far too young to be encouraging this.

pilates · 31/12/2022 23:24

Have you discussed contraception? Not that I would be encouraging under age sex but it sounds like they may be at that stage.

Original poster

Duckinghell80 · 31/12/2022 23:25

Thank you both.
I can see both sides. I’ve had ‘the talk’ with him plenty of times. He’s said he isn’t even thinking about it.
I would rather if they were going to have sex then it would be under my roof than somewhere ‘seedy but I also don’t particularly want to facilitate it.

OP posts:

Greensleevevssnotnose · 31/12/2022 23:26

I had boys to stay from that age, them on the sofa me in my room. We would sneak together during the night and back again before morning, it's normal at that age

Bluelightbaby · 31/12/2022 23:32

My daughter is 15, her boy friend stays regularly BUT they sleep in separate rooms and if in her room during day/evening etc then the door stays open

Original poster

Duckinghell80 · 31/12/2022 23:32

pilates · 31/12/2022 23:24

Have you discussed contraception? Not that I would be encouraging under age sex but it sounds like they may be at that stage.

Hiya,
yes, I’ve discussed with my son. I’ve even said I will buy him condoms when he needs them. He also knows that he can go to the school nurse for them (school have a designated sexual health nurse)
I think I worry more about her lifestyle.
we’re an ordinary family, there’s nothing special about us. My kids are ok at school, normal family issues etc. But she isn’t in school and won’t go, mum doesn’t work (which is fine) but won’t home educate daughter. Both live with the grandparents (who I presume provide financially)
I don’t want my son to think that this is ok. I’m also worried that the gf may think that if she got pregnant it would be a reason for her not to attend school.
she’s very demanding of him (and very critical)
she insists that they video call each night and fall asleep on the call. I’ve asked him not to do this and if I go to bed late I’ll switch the video call off but she’ll text immediately asking why he’s gone.
she said she’s suffering separation anxiety from him so needs him there to fall asleep :s
i think he’s too old to be be removing his phone when he goes to bed

OP posts:

DogInATent · 31/12/2022 23:47

How is a 15yo not in education?

she said she’s suffering separation anxiety from him
Just a little creepy. Isn't this how another thread started?

Aquamarine1029 · 31/12/2022 23:52

Be the parent and let him sulk. He can't get everything he wants, and allowing his girlfriend to stay over at their ages is a terrible idea. Your son needs you to guide him and he needs limits.

Boomboom22 · 31/12/2022 23:56

Actually I would take his phone away, say 10 or 10.30pm and then he can blame you rather than be manipulated by her. My mum always offered to be the figure of blame when I felt obliged to do things which did empower me.

Outtasteamandluck · 01/01/2023 00:04

I'd say no. Delay it a year. Your house your rules etc. hopefully in that time, they might have split.

I'm all for the advice given, but gf sounds like there's a lot going on.

I have a DD15 and I say she has to wait until legal
age (I know but i can but try) and we've had the talk about contraception.

No harm delaying until GCSE's are over.

Velvian · 01/01/2023 00:08

If she is not in school, I think that makes her particularly vulnerable. Is she also 15? I wasn't in school from 11 and I had my first DC at 17. The relationship with my DC's dad started when I was 14.

I don't really know how you discourage this relationship, but u think you should do your best to. I think you are right to worry that your DS will end up a teenage parent.

Original poster

Duckinghell80 · 01/01/2023 00:18

DogInATent · 31/12/2022 23:47

How is a 15yo not in education?

she said she’s suffering separation anxiety from him
Just a little creepy. Isn't this how another thread started?

I have no clue. She said she has a diagnosis of anxiety and is being bullied.
I though it was unlawful to not provide any kind of education so I’m baffled

OP posts:

Original poster

Duckinghell80 · 01/01/2023 00:21

I don’t want to judge her or the family but it just doesn’t sit right with me. Her mum was a young parent. The school thing absolutely do not agree with. It sits uncomfortably with me. They’re in y10 too so a very important year.
with mum not working she has plenty of time to home educate

OP posts:

RaininSummer · 01/01/2023 00:33

Until you explained more about the girl and her circumstances I was going to say that staying sometimes for convenience (in separate rooms) was fine. However I think she is probably bad news through no fault of her own so I wouldn't facilitate it at all.

Original poster

Duckinghell80 · 01/01/2023 00:37

That’s my thought process. They’ve asked him to sleep over next Sunday (he has an inset day Monday but they don’t know that-different towns) which makes me think they just don’t prioritise or consider education

OP posts:

Original poster

Duckinghell80 · 01/01/2023 01:53

I’ve always said he can use me as an excuse

OP posts:

pilates · 01/01/2023 09:00

Just seen your updates. You have reason to be concerned. I think with GCSES coming up it may be a good idea for phone to be taken out of room by a decent time. She sounds a bit controlling too.

PritiPatelsMaker · 01/01/2023 09:38

I was going to say yes until I read your updates too.

I think it's time to just buy the conforms and leave them in his room.

You also need to have a chat about how he needs to take responsibility for contraception and what being a Dad at 16 would look like.

Original poster

Duckinghell80 · 01/01/2023 12:10

I’ve spoken to him about it this morning. I’ve told him how unhappy I am about it. Ds says I’m overreacting and it’s not like that. To be quite honest with you I’m sick of having her here. It’s like having another child, they doss around all day, eat all my food, when I do cook for them she doesn’t like anything I offer, she needs running backwards abs forwards to the train station (6 miles away!) when she wants to go home. I feel I have to tiptoe around in my own house when she’s here
there’s so many reasons I don’t want him in this relationship.

I feel guilty but I’ve said I’m happy for him to see her but no to staying over unless it’s an ‘occasion’

OP posts:

Thinkwicebeforeyouleavemylife · 01/01/2023 12:17

Bit of a dripfeed OP!

This girl sounds vulnerable but also manipulative and its probably not the healthiest/most balanced relationship. But at the same time if you try to break them up it might just bring them closer so it's a hard one.

Are you close enough with your son to chat with him regarding these concerns you have? X

Original poster

Duckinghell80 · 01/01/2023 12:25

Thinkwicebeforeyouleavemylife · 01/01/2023 12:17

Bit of a dripfeed OP!

Are you close enough with your son to chat with him regarding these concerns you have? X

Hey, sorry I’m unsure what you mean by a bit of a drip feed…if you mean I’m only slowly telling you things then I apologise.

yeah I’ve spoken to him, he gets very upset and defensive. I do worry I’ll push them further together and that’s why I’m saying that I’m happy for him to see her and also spend special occasions having a sleep over but I don’t want it to become a regular thing.
because she lives so far away they think that it’s ok for them to stay over as they get more time together.

nothing sits right with me at all about the whole family and her school situation. I don’t feel comfortable with how her family are encouraging sleep overs etc.
ds says it’s me that’s being boring and he hates it here because of that (that’s been said this morning when I’ve spoken to him about my concerns)

im trying to encourage him to spend a bit more time with his friends but since he’s been with her he’s distanced himself from them and doesn’t see them anymore.

OP posts:

PritiPatelsMaker · 01/01/2023 12:35

im trying to encourage him to spend a bit more time with his friends but since he’s been with her he’s distanced himself from them and doesn’t see them anymore

Everything you've said is very concerning OP. There been a long running thread from a MNer where her DS is in a controlling relationship and it started off very similar to this.

VladmirsPoutine · 01/01/2023 12:39

I don't know how you will manage this but the relationship needs to end. Her staying over or not is really the least of it. It all sounds too much and your son really shouldn't stretch himself this far.

Flip

Swipe left for the next trending thread