Rude dd

[Atmywitsend71]

Hello,

Please does anyone have any advice? My dd is 14. She has been quite a challenge as a child - not an easy baby, difficult toddler etc so I thought her teenage years might be tricky but it’s far worse than I thought it would be. Some days it’s ok, other days I cannot say anything right at all. At the moment, she’s ignoring me, hasn’t spoken to me for two days, I have no idea why. I’ve asked her but just get abuse. In the past she’s called me a fat ugly c#nt. I recently told her that her lace was untied when we were out shopping. She didn’t speak to me for days because I didn’t stand next to her whilst she tried it. She told my dh to ‘get out of her fucking room’ when he tried to talk to her, (he was respectful and he did knock). She’s obsessed with her weight and wants to talk about it constantly - she’s not over weight at all. I’ve talked to her about it for the past three years, it’s made no difference to her. I’ve taken her to the GP for support, I’ve talked to her school but there’s just no help. The list of what she does just goes on. I find it quite shocking as I am quiet person and I wasn’t like this at all when I was young. At school, she’s like butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth, quiet, and super bright, virtually top in most subjects. To be honest, it’s putting a real strain on my marriage. I am really struggling to see how to deal with her. I cannot see a way forward. And to add another dimension, I’m going through the menopause.

I have no support network at all. Never have. My own mum was wonderful but she died years ago. I have no other family to turn to. I just don’t know what to do. i cannot bear this anymore.

If she behaves wonderfully at school but is like this with you, is there any possibility that she could be ASD?

My DD is very much like this and has recently been referred for diagnosis.

One thing that send to work for my DD is love bombing. So let her know constantly how much you love her, listen to her and arrange to do things with her that you know she'll like.

My first thought was also ASD. It sounds as though she’s obsessive about some subjects and perhaps overwhelmed at times?

*seems to work

Why does everyone want a label? It’s possible that she is just a stroppy, disrespectful teenager. All teenagers behave differently in school. She sounds very much like me as a teenager. I feel bad now for what I put my mum through but I hit about 18/19 and grew up. Patience is needed Op and consequences for such rudeness. Stopping money tends to be the easiest one to do (no arguments about when to give a phone back for example).

Agree it sounds like asd but if it's masked at school diagnosis would be a challenge. Try not to get drawn in to rows. A consequence for rude behaviour- swearing etc. I found loss of phone for 24hrs worked well.

Thanks for your replies. I’m the op - I’ve named changed.

Interesting what you said about ASD. My ds has ASD. He’s 18 and was dx when he was 5. His were more typical symptoms- not talking, when he did it was echolalia, stimming etc. DD was 17 months old when he was dx and she was there at the time. They said she wasn’t autistic but I’m seriously wondering now.

I’ve read my op back and I feel awful. I haven’t said one nice thing about her. She is pretty, very clever, tremendous fun - when she wants to be. I’ve done my level best to be a good mum.

I paid for her to have a new hair cut yesterday. She doesn’t like (it looks lovely) and she’s just gone for me again - I’m a crap mother, I’m horrible to everyone, I’m a bully … I’ve just walked out so not to argue.

She does sound just like my DD @Stillatmywitsend.

Bloody hard work isn't it?

It’s not bloody ASD - she’s 14. It’s universally known as THE YEAR that girls are the worst. I have two who are now 18 and 16 and I was just about ready to put them in wheelie bin at 14. All they want is approval from their friends. They’re acutely self-focussed and separating their identity as your “child” from their new one as a real teenager. They’re moody, hormonal, tired, grumpy, living on junk food, obsessed with their image, and whatever herd mentality they follow because they’re “individuals”, you know? This is when all the teenage girl political bullshit happens. As parents, you will do everything wrong for about a year unless it’s giving them unlimited money, and nobody has that - frankly, I suspect that would be like feeding the gremlin after midnight anyway. Just don’t look them in the eye or attempt to engage with them in any meaningful way until they come back to you in about six months to a year as though nothing’s happened. They’ll be their usual self again.

What are the consequences for this behaviour?

Thank you for your replies. Glad to hear it’s not just mine. I wasn’t a difficult teenager, a bit grumpy but that’s all. I usually remove all devices ie phones, iPad etc when she’s like this until she can behave herself.