Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Flip

Original poster

One last holiday before Uni

17 replies

RIPDotCotton · 31/12/2022 14:23

Hi there,
I was wondering how others would handle this situation with DD18 (just)
I will preface by saying we are not living in the UK so some norms are different here.
DD18 is in her last year of high school and will be going to university in Sept 2023. She is a good student and for what she wants to do will probably end up 1000s of miles away in order to do the course she wants.
She drives, has a car, part time job and generally gets As at school. Her social life is huge and her final year at school is full of lasts and special activities that are part of school here.
Last year we took a family vacation and she didn’t want to go. It was mostly okay but we had a couple of awful days because her Dad just couldn’t ignore the moodiness and rose to it, resulting in arguments and not much fun for a while.
This spring I would like to take one last family holiday with the 4 of us (as much for me as anyone as I’ll miss her terribly when she leaves!) but also her Dad is banging on about it. Trouble is- we can’t agree on where to go and basically she has said she she doesn’t want to be on vacation with us.
I get that she’s an adult (all be it relying on the bank of Mum and Dad and still at school!) but also she has so much freedom to do what she wants so the other part of me is thinking she can just suck it up for one last time (we’re talking a week max) to be part of the family. It’s not as if her friends aren’t doing the same and I can’t help feeling so sad that she can’t even make an effort for one last time:(
There is a little more friction between her and her Dad (well he causes friction with all of us from time to time but that’s a whole other story) so I get she doesn’t want to be ‘stuck’ on vacation with no escape!
It’s so hard- it’s pretty much the only thing I’m asking of her before she leaves but I do understand how she feels also.
Any advice?

OP posts:

HiccupHorrendousHaddock · 31/12/2022 14:26

Don't do it. Taking an 18 year old on a holiday they don't want will only result in a miserable time for everyone. In addition, your husband will be looking out for any hints of moodiness and ingratitude, which will become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Leave it a year or two until she actually wants to spend time with you again, then book a nice trip together.

shmiz · 31/12/2022 14:33

Go away with your DD
leave the husband at home 😊
that is what I do !!

stayathomegardener · 31/12/2022 14:37

Just have a trip with your DD.

stayathomegardener · 31/12/2022 14:37

As @shmiz says 😂

jellybeanteaparty · 31/12/2022 14:38

What sort of holiday would it be? Does it include things she likes to do?

Amboseli · 31/12/2022 14:42

Why force her to go on a holiday she doesn't want to go on? Holidays are meant to be fun.

My DD is 19 and we went on holiday this year as a family but not because she was forced to.

kimchifix · 31/12/2022 14:46

Holiday to the country she's hoping to study in?

Crackstone · 31/12/2022 14:50

We’ve been discussing this this morning. Ds1 is about to go off to university in September and so we will be having a long holiday as a family in the summer (probably three weeks).

can you make the holiday exciting enough that she wants to come? We are touring the east coast of America, New York, Washington, Hamptons

WinterFoxes · 31/12/2022 15:02

I get your desire for one final family holiday. Can you afford to take her somewhere she couldn't go without you financing it?

DC were very against going on holiday with us until we suggested NYC and Japan. They loved both.

During lockdown they were adamant they didn;t want a UK holiday with us but I booked a lovely cottage with extra space in case they changed their minds, which they did and they had a great time. They are a bit like toddlers at that age. They want to be bold and free and feel 100% in control of their lives but actually, last minute often want to duck back into something safe and familiar.

PritiPatelsMaker · 31/12/2022 17:21

DS is the sane age. We've just booked a holiday and asked him if he'd like to come. Obviously I'd love him to be there but, even if he said yes, I know that things can change in the next 6 months. It's probably easier for us as we're going self-catering in the sane country.

Any holiday you have to book and force her to go to is a recipe for disaster.

Original poster

RIPDotCotton · 31/12/2022 17:57

Thanks for all the replies. I’m thinking along the same lines but the husband is insisting we do one last holiday as a family and he’s a tricky character (takes teen stuff personally and then it become personal because he pisses them off😂)
We actually live in the US so have been fortunate to travel to lots of great places already - and she plans on going to college on the west coast so has already visited there.
It’s so hard because I see both points of view but deep down I know if we make her go it will be awful. I guess her Dad and I see it differently (as we do a lot of things but that’s a whole other issue)
I think if we can come up with a short break that she’s willing to come on maybe that will work - and if it’s a disaster then I can say I was right!

OP posts:

coniston19 · 01/01/2023 17:36

Yes, I agree, my two are 15 and 17 and we had our last 'big' holiday as a family last year.

This year they are happy to go on shorter European breaks and there's no way I'm going to force a longer holiday that no one wants to go on - it would be miserable.

I remember having my final family holiday at 17 and that was that - maybe sad for my parents but they never made an issue out of it. Whereas my dh was made to go on holiday at 18 during his Uni Xmas holiday and in every year photo he looks utterly miserable!

rookiemere · 01/01/2023 17:44

It would be silly to spend large amounts of money on a holiday DD doesn't want to go on.

DS is 16 and quite clear he doesn't want to go away with us on holiday - hoping he might change his mind when he gets a GF in a few years and realises how lucky he'd be to have it paid for - but for now we'll just do family visits with him.

UsingChangeofName · 01/01/2023 19:18

The issue is that you are making it "a thing" rather than starting from the point of "Will you be coming on holiday with us this year?", and if she says no, just leaving it and saying "Okay".
You've made it into a power struggle and someone now "will win" so therefore, someone else "will lose".

If you'd made out you weren't bothered either way, she would probably have been much happier to come.

Original poster

RIPDotCotton · 01/01/2023 21:27

Thanks for all the views! I agree it’s become an issue (mainly because of her Dad honestly- he is very influenced by all the fake family crap on FB he sees!)
I know I’m being selfish but I just wanted a fun experience before she disappears to the other side of the continent!
I’m definitely not forcing the issue though so we’ll see what happens…

OP posts:

rookiemere · 02/01/2023 07:34

It is sad when they don't want to come and I feel like I'm a bad parent when I hear of other families still having holidays with DCs of that age.

But forcing it won't make for a good experience. Maybe try to reframe it as not going on this particular break, rather than never going on another family holiday ever.

LoveCillian · 02/01/2023 20:03

I offered my DD a holiday to NYC in the summer before she went to Uni,she agreed and we had a ball

Flip