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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Give her the gifts?

13 replies

page1of4 · 27/12/2022 12:47

My dd is 14 and through a bunch of things I won't get into she's basically disengaged from school and social situations. Now her attitude also stinks, completely self absorbed at the minute and cheeky and not at all helpful etc. yesterday she was supposed to be going to see family, claimed she was 'too anxious' as there was too many people and didn't come. When I can home she announced she wanted to go to a NY party at her friends house so I suspect her 'social anxiety' is selective. I told her she can't just keep accepting gifts from people whilst not making any effort to see them, she's not seen her gran since summer and others since they came to see her for her birthday in September. They gave me gifts for her, I know there's over £200 and some nice other bits as my other daughter got the same. It's sticking in my craw giving her them, but also feel I can't gatekeep other peoples gifts. What should I do?

OP posts:
SurpriseSparDay · 27/12/2022 12:53

No, you can’t withhold her gifts from other people!

It’s hard - but remember she won’t be 14 for ever. She needs you to keep the faith and guide her towards maturity.

MissisBoote · 27/12/2022 12:54

Do you not believe that your daughter has social anxiety?

Original poster
page1of4 · 27/12/2022 13:05

It's getting hard to tell, I do think there is an underlying issue but also now starting to think she might be playing on it a bit at times. She's happy to get on a train with friends to go shopping, but not with her gran. She's happy to go to a drinker ny party but not to a quiet dinner with family she's known her whole life. Coupled with her general attitude and lies etc, it's hard to tell. 😖

OP posts:
SirenSays · 27/12/2022 13:18

I'd give her the gifts on the condition she calls and says thank you and that she comes with you on the next visits you arrange.

MissisBoote · 27/12/2022 13:22

It's a tricky one. My DD is a bit older and finds socialising with extended family really difficult (she's had anxiety since a preteen and just been diagnosed with autism). Tbh she finds socialising with her small group of friends difficult too but forces herself to do it.

What about smaller and shorter family visits? My daughter finds it exhausting masking for too long.

If she's already socially isolated then I'd be trying to encourage her to have any social life.

I wouldn't withhold her presents though. Can she have contact with her gran through other ways? Sending video messages that type of thing?

CrapBucket · 27/12/2022 13:22

OP this is so hard, and there is no right answer. I can only say that imo its best to keep modelling the adult attitude and behaviour that you want your DC to have. This will be a phase and it will pass. Give her the presents and encourage a relationship with relatives, but don't make ultimatums over any of it.

SilverGlitterBaubles · 27/12/2022 13:23

Maybe you need to lower your expectations in terms of a teenager wanting to spend what
they consider excruciatingly boring time with their parents and extended family. Having said this a quick phone call (I know they don't do calls either 🙄) a text to say thank you or a quick visit especially to grandparents is something that should be done.

CrapBucket · 27/12/2022 13:24

PS I think part it it can be that teens can't hide how they truly are from family who has known them forever, versus from friends who just know one version of them. So it can be genuine that they avoid grandparents because they feel more 'seen' and with their friends they can be all bluster/bravado/goth/whatever their persona is in that peer group.

CiderJolly · 27/12/2022 13:25

You can’t withhold gifts that other people have sent for her. Not your place and if you did that with a gift I’d sent for her then I’d be peed off with you. She is 14, give her a break.

Original poster
page1of4 · 27/12/2022 13:44

I gave her the gifts and all the numbers of the people she needs to thank. I just don't want her seeing her family as cash cows, it's not what I want her to view Xmas as. I do hope she grows out this phase soon, it's a hard one!

OP posts:
lailamaria · 27/12/2022 17:40

Op that's was social anxiety is you can't decide what's making your daughter anxious and what isn't, i have anxiety about going to my dad's at chrismas however going out with my friends causes me no anxiety at all, i genuinely think you're being quite unfair towards your daughter

1Wanda1 · 27/12/2022 17:55

My DD was/is like this. Won't go to her grandparents' house. Happy to go out with friends. You can't keep other people's gifts from her so just give them and make sure she thanks the givers.

Over time my DM's approach to DD has changed as a result of DD's behaviour and there is less of a bond and DD is given less on birthdays and Christmas. I'm sure she notices. Whether or not she connects this to her "can't be bothered" attitude I don't know. But I'm sure in the fullness of time she will.

NoNamesLeft234678 · 27/12/2022 22:12

I don't have a teenager and thankfully won't for awhile but I do remember being very anxious about going to see relatives and would be glued to my mum. I was diagnosed with autism when I was pregnant and I believe I had selective mutism so it may be a bit different 🤷‍♀️

I had a best friend and 4 other people I would talk to at school. That was it. I was inaudible when it came to answering the register. It was not a good day when my best friend wasn't at school. She wasn't even a very nice person... it was hard.

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