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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Struggling with DS 17

11 replies

GeorgeGloom · 26/12/2022 21:00

His dad and I have always encouraged him to do his best, we are both quite high achievers, but DS hated school to the extent he refused to go from the age of 14. Unsurprisingly he left with no qualifications or aspirations. We were disappointed but accepted we are all different and have continued to support him in every way we can. He has had a couple of jobs which his Dad got for him, but he has lost them due to his laziness. His Dad and I have a strong work ethic so are struggling with this blaze outlook and lack of care.

We have spoken to him about his future and importance of starting to grow up a bit and accept some kind of responsibility. He currently works part time for a fast food restaurant, great we are pleased he has a job (on his own merit!). However, he had a big strop on Christmas Eve at work as his manager told him he needed to work quicker, (he was mopping) but said it in an aggressive way (according to DS). DS basically told him to F off and threw his hat on the counter top and did a full on stomp and door slam.

He met with a different manager today to discuss the incident and luckily he has kept his job (miraculously). I sometimes wonder whether he was switched at birth as he seems to have come from a different gene pool to us. He doesn’t seem to have any work ethic, he doesn’t care about consequences, he regularly is caught smoking weed out of his bedroom window (I confiscate all smoking paraphernalia when this happens), he’s so lazy it’s unbelievable. He moved his girlfriend in a couple of months ago (she’s no problem though, she’s respectful, pays rent and helps with laundry etc).

Every time I speak to him about these issues he just says sorry mum or yeah I’ll do that later and then never does. If I just left him to his own devices he would never do anything other than socialise with friends, and live on take always in squalor. He wouldn’t care about anything either. I don’t know how to deal with him, is this really disrespectful or just typical?

OP posts:
junebirthdaygirl · 26/12/2022 22:26

It's the weed. It makes them into different people. Takes away all ambition and affects exactly like your ds. It's heartbreaking to see them wasting their lives.
My ds dropped out of school and when l spoke to one of the teachers her first question was about weed. She said they see it regularly. My ds' issue was dyslexia and possibly ADHD which made school extremely difficult for him. Any possibility your ds has ADHD ..that is worth looking into too.

Redterror · 26/12/2022 23:25

What does he have that makes home somewhere he wants to be? Clearly he has his girlfriend there - why? I know she's not a problem but having her there makes life easier for him. Who pays for his phone the take aways and the weed?

puffylovett · 27/12/2022 05:34

Who is funding this lifestyle, if he only has a part time job? That would be my first thought - how’s he paying his rent, phone and Wi-Fi?

gianfrancogorgonzola · 27/12/2022 06:11

Where does he get his money from? Do you charge rent if he’s not in full time education? What about food buying / prep, washing, chores?

itsjustmeBobby · 27/12/2022 06:19

A reality check is needed. Although you love him you are enabling his behaviour and stopping him from reaching any potential he may possess.what would happen to him if you and your hubby died tomorrow. He either pays rent or he does the equivilant in work around the house.

HowVeryBizarre · 27/12/2022 06:35

I’m sorry but you are enabling his behaviour. Why on earth have you allowed his girlfriend to move in? If they want to live together they either both pay rent and abide by the house rules or they live somewhere by themselves. He gets to live the life he wants with no consequences. Tell him next time he smokes weed in your house he moves out, pack his stuff and follow thorough. He can only afford to lose his jobs because he knows he has a place to live and he will be fed and looked after. It is seriously time for tough love.

CanIGetARefund · 27/12/2022 06:51

Junebirthdaygirl is spot on in her reply. I have been through similar with my son. ADHD is also at the bottom of the lack of drive and inability to follow through with projects. ADHD also predisposes to drug taking. You sound like great parents to me and your excellent parenting is the reason why he is not struggling even more than he already is. Ask him consider ADHD as a possibility and support him to get an assessment and, if appropriate, treatment, is my advice.

CanIGetARefund · 27/12/2022 06:51

Junebirthdaygirl is spot on in her reply. I have been through similar with my son. ADHD is also at the bottom of the lack of drive and inability to follow through with projects. ADHD also predisposes to drug taking. You sound like great parents to me and your excellent parenting is the reason why he is not struggling even more than he already is. Ask him consider ADHD as a possibility and support him to get an assessment and, if appropriate, treatment, is my advice.

tribpot · 27/12/2022 07:13

I assume you're not in England, as if so he would need to be in either education or training until he's 18.

He's feeling no consequences to his actions at the moment, and even been allowed to do things like move his girlfriend in (does she have a job? she can't find his squalor and laziness very attractive). Too much access to money and not enough hours of work to do.

GeorgeGloom · 27/12/2022 10:48

Yes I agree the weed is a problem- I just can’t stop it though. Every so often we talk about stopping and he agrees, we got rid of his grinder and everything but within a week he was back doing it. He says he can’t relax or ‘chill’. He has always had problems with focus and concentration. I believe there is definitely some kind of ADHD but he has always refused to be assessed as he won’t engage with anyone for long enough.

we do not charge him rent because he doesn’t earn much and also we encourage him to pay for driving lessons. We have got him a car and want him to be able to drive as of course this opens up so many possibilities and when he is 18 he will be able to apply for all sorts of jobs which he may be suited to such as a fork lift driver working in a warehouse.

He has been best friends with his gf since they were 12. She is lovely, she calls me her second mum. She creates a different (good) dynamic in the house and my younger sons adore her. It’s so nice to have another female in the house, I’d forgotten what chit chat was living with all males! She moved in because her mum has a personality disorder and various mental health issues, one day she simply told her to move out- no row or trigger. Her mum simply said I’ve brought you up, now it’s time to leave I want my house and my life back! She didn’t want to move to her Dads as he’s not local and she goes to college and has a part time job which is on our doorstep from our house. She pays rent and helps around the house. She is actually a joy to live with.

It’s DS that is the problem. If he has no money he still smokes as he has lots of friends who will just ‘help him out’. We did try that but it was unsuccessful. I will again talk to him about stopping in the New Year.

OP posts:
PritiPatelsMaker · 27/12/2022 15:21

It’s DS that is the problem. If he has no money he still smokes as he has lots of friends who will just ‘help him out’. We did try that but it was unsuccessful. I will again talk to him about stopping in the New Year.

Is he dealing @GeorgeGloom?

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