Need help teen DS

[nomorexmas]

DS, 16, possibly neuro diverse (was assessed as young child, considered borderline ASD)

Had a horrendous Christmas Day. He moaned from the moment he got up. Was ungrateful re stocking presents, hadn't wrapped presents he bought, bought rubbish present for sister.

Wanted to open his presents under the tree before anyone else, again moaned cos his sister got more. (She did, but we are paying for a very expensive hobby thing for him next year)

Then demanded we pay for this that and the other for him. He works in an apprenticeship so has his own money. We don't take any money from him and still pay his phone etc Basically he wants to save every penny for a car and I suggested he needs to pay for things like Xbox subscription himself. This didn't go down well.

He stormed to his room and we didn't see him the rest of the day. I wanted to scream, rant and rage at him but know it will do no good.

Today, he's at work (extra job, not his apprenticeship) and I gave him a lift in this morning as there's no public transport. DH has gone mad and is now not speaking to me as I'm a 'mug' for doing this.

I don't know how to handle things. He is an ungrateful little toad, but I think shouting, screaming, withholding lifts etc just doesn't help. I feel totally sick, because of DS and DH.

Thanks if you read through this far! Any advice appreciated.

Likely ASD ds here also. What helps me is to remind myself he doesn't see the world as I do. And doesn't react to things as such.
It is very difficult..

Thank you @Hopeyoursproutsarealreadyon Yes, I think I try to do that but nobody else is onboard with it really. He functions pretty well in general, so DH thinks that's me making excuses for DS behaviour.

Christmas is hard for many neurodiverse people. There was a thread running yesterday, 'how did your ASD child cope with Chrismas' I think, which would be worth a read because there were many tips from experienced families about making it easier.

Maybe he can't really do presents. My DS has to know exactly what he is getting. When he was little we couldn't wrap his presents up, we can now, but he needs to see them before they are wrapped or he just gets anxious about them. Giving presents can be really tricky too, as it's hard to predict how the recipient will respond. I think neurotypical people get anxious about whether their gifts will be well recieved too, but for your DS it might just be too much.

Christmas is often a bit overwhelming. If your son does better alone in his room, just leave him to it.

I don't see why your DH is mad at you for getting your son to work. It sounds like him being out of the house for the day is exactly what you all need.

He gets back to a routine with some work/wages yo focus on. The rest of you get a bit of a break.

I dint think you are being a mug at all. Sounds like he might well be Neuro-diverse and he's struggling with some things.

What else were you supposed to do this morning. You both should be proud that he has not just his apprenticeship but he's motivated to get a second job as well.

As for wanting to open his presents first and complaining about his sister's, it sounds like he's a bit immature, which is understandable if he's potentially got ASD. Next time maybe talk through his expectations with him and how the day will work out.

I'd maybe talk through with him what you will pay for and what you won't in a few days, after you've had a think. Celebration days aren't the best time to work these things out

Thank you very much everyone, really helpful responses and lots to think about and work out how we can do better next time.

That sounds like a tough day, but I just wanted to say it's really impressive that he has an apprenticeship and a second job as well. That says a lot for his work ethic and I think you did the right thing giving him a lift to work as otherwise how would he have got there? Sounds like him and you are getting a lot of things right, Christmas is stressful even for NT people so try not to dwell on what happened yesterday too much.

So, to answer a few questions, DS was really quite rude to us yesterday, we also had a relative round in the evening and he didn't even come down to say hello. He went to bed not talking to us.

DH thinks that because DS is rude, ungrateful and disrespectful we should withdraw privileges such as lifts etc DS could have walked to work this morning, but it would have been a long walk. Usually he would get the bus.

Christmas has always been tricky for him, I suppose I thought now he's older he would cope better. I will definitely manage expectations in future.

I think what makes it difficult is he usually appears to be NT, and therefore I'm accused of making excuses for his behaviour. His actual diagnosis was Social Communication Disorder with Autistic Traits. I don't like his behaviour either, but I just know some things won't make it any better.

Sounds like one of your biggest problems is your DH if I'm honest. Why does he "blame you" for supporting and looking after your own DS?

@PritiPatelsMaker you may well be right. I think I just needed to know that it's not me getting it all wrong.