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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

No Presents for DS16

22 replies

BackAgainstWall · 23/12/2022 13:36

Just wondering if any one else doesn't want to give their teenager presents this year or am I the only one seriously considering this?

If you're doing the same, what are the reasons or what was the last straw that broke the camel's back?

I do however suspect more and more that my DS has a neurodivergent issue(s) which I think (although I am no expert) is ADHD.

For us, we have had a year of ongoing:

Aggressiveness.
Not getting up in the morning - every single school morning is a highly stressful event.

He has to be told to do anything time and time and time and time again.
Swearing.
Pushing.
Punching holes in bedroom wall.
Mess - his bedroom can get into a state and I mean a state within an hour of it having been clean/tidy.
Very rarely lifts a finger, if at all.

Having an only child, it's difficult to compare actions and ways with other children, but I have always thought something isn't quite right and the older he gets the more this shows.

He's not all bad, but this is becoming the norm and it needs to stop.

OP posts:

gjkufbb · 23/12/2022 13:39

I can imagine dealing with that behaviour is very trying. However withholding gifts says to me that your love is conditional on his behaviour.
All children deserve to have a Christmas surely? It's likely to drive a bigger wedge between you both.

Puppers · 23/12/2022 13:40

This sounds really tough and I'm not surprised you feel at breaking point.

No, I wouldn't withhold Christmas presents because that's something you can't take back and will always be remembered. It also is completely unproductive and is just a knee-jerk, lashing out reaction rather than a measured consequence that has been effectively communicated.

If you suspect he has undiagnosed ASD or ADHD, what is being done about this?

stealthninjamum · 23/12/2022 13:43

I don’t think Christmas is the right time to punish him - especially if it’s a neurological issue.

I think you should start to get him assessed (the waiting list on nhs can be years long) and read up on it. And try to talk to him over the holidays when you have no pressures like school.

fwiw I have children with asd/ adhd and pda syndrome. One of them has been utterly vile to me this morning - screeching, saying all kinds of stuff about what a bad mother I am, throwing things, her room is a mess and in fact she leaves her stuff all over the house. I will ignore the behaviour (maybe one comment ‘that has hurt me’), treat her with kindness and later have a chat about her behaviour. She is slowly getting better at articulating why she behaves like that. I suspect she is stressed because of Christmas so to not give her presents would be cruel.

PatchworkElmer · 23/12/2022 13:43

No, I wouldn’t withhold Christmas presents for those reasons.

somethingslastforever · 23/12/2022 13:45

Agree with PP, withholding Christmas presents isn't going to solve anything. Comes across as a bit hateful OP, sorry.

You should make a GP appointment for the new year.

pictish · 23/12/2022 13:45

No of course you don't withhold Christmas gifts to punish him for being a teenager.
L

mumonthehill · 23/12/2022 13:46

Please, please do not do this. If he has adhd traits then he needs your love and support to help him manage. Now is not the time to punish him.

Theydoyaknow · 23/12/2022 13:46

Jesus no!!

pictish · 23/12/2022 13:48

Frankly it's odd that you would even consider it. How spiteful and utterly counterproductive can you be?

Sorry but ffs.

Zedcarz · 23/12/2022 13:48

If you actually believe your child is nd, why would you punish their unsupported symptoms/ traits by withholding gifts at Christmas?
Why not put your impotent rage efforts into learning everything you can about the conditions, help your child to understand what may help, adjust your home, routines and discipline accordingly and make the end of his childhood a bit more joyfilled.

HewasH20 · 23/12/2022 13:52

It sounds as though he is struggling emotionally, with the anger issues reflecting the turmoil he is feeling. My own DD had successfully masked her ADHD until she went to university and then it became overwhelming. Please try to get a diagnosis whilst he is a child, because it's almost impossible to do so over 18 without having to go down the private route. I agree with the others that however frustrated you feel, you cannot punish your son for something outside his control.

Original poster

BackAgainstWall · 23/12/2022 13:53

Thank you - each and every one of you.
It is so hard.
I love him, but I really don't like him most of the time and yes it's true, sometimes I actually really hate him.

OP posts:

Zedcarz · 23/12/2022 13:54

Zedcarz · 23/12/2022 13:48

And absolutely start the ball rolling for diagnosis, even private assessments have a huge waiting list now.
I understand your attitude and desperate behaviour if you don't know or understand anything about neurodiversity but as soon as you have even a whiff of any condition which might impact your kid's behaviour, ( and their need for coping mechanisms) you need to change your approach and be kind and loving and show them you understand how hard it's been

KalvinPhillipsBoots · 23/12/2022 13:55

BackAgainstWall · 23/12/2022 13:36

Just wondering if any one else doesn't want to give their teenager presents this year or am I the only one seriously considering this?

If you're doing the same, what are the reasons or what was the last straw that broke the camel's back?

I do however suspect more and more that my DS has a neurodivergent issue(s) which I think (although I am no expert) is ADHD.

For us, we have had a year of ongoing:

Having an only child, it's difficult to compare actions and ways with other children, but I have always thought something isn't quite right and the older he gets the more this shows.

He's not all bad, but this is becoming the norm and it needs to stop.

It's Christmas, give your head a wobble

Zedcarz · 23/12/2022 13:55

BackAgainstWall · 23/12/2022 13:53

Thank you - each and every one of you.
It is so hard.
I love him, but I really don't like him most of the time and yes it's true, sometimes I actually really hate him.

When you adapt and adjust and talk to him about what you've learned you won't feel hate anymore but compassion and sadness for the years he's been misunderstood.
You have the power to change this

Youdoyoubabe · 23/12/2022 14:13

Annoying, perfect gifts would be a punch bag, an alarm clock and a voucher for a cleaning service.

Luckycatt · 23/12/2022 14:16

BackAgainstWall · 23/12/2022 13:53

Thank you - each and every one of you.
It is so hard.
I love him, but I really don't like him most of the time and yes it's true, sometimes I actually really hate him.

Ive got 20 years experience of managing teenagers in secondary schools. I doubt you hate him. It sounds like you love him a lot. If you hate someone 'sometimes' it's probably their behaviour you hate. And everything you describe in your OP us behaviour - not cleaning room, aggressive behaviour, swearing. They are not part of your son.

I think things become a little clearer when you try to separate the child from the behaviour. And also understand that behaviour is communication. It would be great if they could just tell you what the problem is, but he most likely doesn't know himself,

stealthninjamum · 23/12/2022 14:20

Op it is really hard, I used to think my youngest child hated me, it’s so hard not to take everything they do personally, and it can become an awful spiral whereby you punish them or shout at them, they react and it makes the problem worse. At some point, as the adult, you have to remove yourself from that spiral and try to see it from their perspective. Obviously mine are younger and were at primary school when I started to change my behaviour around them and be more gentle. Maybe he needs professional help for you two to talk and actually listen. We have a psychologist who is amazing at getting things out of dd2 that help me to better understand her.

VahineNuiWentHome · 23/12/2022 14:34

So no present for a teen that you suspect is ND and whose behaviour is linked with said ND (and the fact he isn’t given ANY APPROPRIATE support).
Basically punishing him fur his disability.

Nothing to see here. Nope totally normal and acceptable.

VahineNuiWentHome · 23/12/2022 14:36

Btw EVEN IF he isn’t ND, he is still a child who needs SUPPORT.
Im pretty sure you’ve already tried punishing him. And it hasn’t worked.

What makes you think punishing him again at Christmas will help rather than make things worse?
Unless it’s about making yourself feel better in a ‘you hurt me so I’m hurting you’ child like behaviour?

megletthesecond · 23/12/2022 14:45

I know it's hard but don't withhold them. No one will gain anything from it.
My teen DD injured me so badly that I had to have a cut on my head glued together this year and the house is ruined. She still has gifts.

HedgehogB · 25/12/2022 15:44

My son was almost this bad two years ago. It was teenage hormones. He’s 90% over it now. He has mild ADHD. He’s an only child. School didn’t suit him but working off his energy on site as an apprentice electrician totally suits him. Get the book ‘Get out of my life! but first can you take Kevin and me to town’ . Great book on teenage behaviour. Also - gym membership is a good gift? He can work off angst , you could go and swim while he’s in there. The gym really helped DS.

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