13yr old and phone usage

[Doughnut554]

Sorry no doubt this has been done to death over the years but 13yr old DD has become increasingly uncommunicative and rude - I know this is fairly common at this age but I feel it is being made worse by the amount of time she spends on her phone. Admittedly a lot of this is chatting to friends but still overall it is her main activity despite our efforts and it is causing a lot of arguments.

interested to know how many here put an daily limit on phone time? I should say she has no access overnight.

thanks

I feel your pain.

I have recently slackened off my controls because my 13 and 14 yr olds (boys) seem to be at an age where their phone is their phone and it seems a bit babyish for them to be handing it over to me when they get in from school.

I tend to not say anything when they come home and go up to their room with their phone in their pocket but after a while I go up and get them to put the phone downstairs in the place we all charge the phones (and where they live overnight inc mine). At some point in the eve they’ll gravitate to it again and even take it back to their room, so I have to just either police that or let it slide.

It’s a nightmare because it’s the main area of their lives that we disagree on.

At weekends and holidays, again I have to decide whether to police their usage or let it slide in every instance of them drifting into them again. It’s very tedious.

Also - I think their Dad (we’re not together) has put controls on what apps get turned off at what time of day. But they still sit there in there phones just using whatever limited access they have (eg listening to music but seemingly staring at their phone the whole tile whilst listening…?!)

So no time limit per se, but a constant decision on my part whether to step in and get them to do something else or whether to let them be for that time.

Oh a pps this is me sharing what I’m doing and is by no means a recommendation. I’m saying I feel your pain - here’s how it looks in my house so you can see someone else who’s struggling with the same thing

No access overnight is 100% the way to go.

My DD at very nearly 16 has no access overnight to her phone and never has done.

I also knew (and still know) her PIN and at 13 would regularly be checking her phone/insta messages etc.

I didn't like Snapchat or TikTok so she had to delete these.

Thanks both. Snapchat is her main mode of communication with friends and so even if I block or limit amount of daily time on TikTok for example, she will still spend her entire day on her bed chatting if allowed. So the main problem is total time spent as she’s more accepting of limits on specific apps.
Her older sister doesn’t have phone in room overnight either so that rule is totally accepted.

Yes this is the same as my boys (although they don’t have TikTok as they’ve never asked thankfully).

I think it’s a case of encouraging them to have a balance isn’t it. Some time to chat to friends and some time doing other stuff.

I always think about the time when they’re older and don’t live with us and that they’ll have to navigate this for themselves so I feel like my role is about equipping them to do that.

I have a separate issue on top of this which is the PlayStation side of things too. Because this is in the living room and not their pocket I’m still setting time limits on that - an hour each per day tends to be the maximum, but sometimes they get another go on it at some point by asking if they can play Minecraft with their younger sister. They know I think this is a nice chance for them all to play something together so I do say yes to this sometimes.

The way I’ve typed it out makes it sound like it’s all stitched up. We have A LOT of tension around this issue and most of the time that I ask them to come off their phone or the PlayStation they mumble ‘in a minute’ and they generally don’t come off till I’m angry, at which point they come off but in a similarly angry way in retaliation.

The key is for me not to get angry, but I don’t always manage this since IT WINDS ME UP

You hold the key to WiFi in the house. Use it.

So does anyone have a daily hours limit on phones at this age (including chat with friends)?

We put limits on our DD14 but she got round them. It's actually really easy when my DH checked it out. It's really hard!

Rather than an hours limit, it may be easier to implement a 'do other things' protocol? As in, if the family are chilling out, then fine be on the phone. But try to get people to be busy helping with cooking, playing games, watching something on TV together, going for walks etc?

With DD we've noticed she is more grumpy when she's been on her phone (watching youtube & playing games with her) too much. So I name it. 'You've been on the phone too much and are grumpy, lets do xxx'.

Oh, the other thing. I never say 'get off the phone now'. It is always 'how much longer until a stopping point, OK stop then'. Giving her the extra 5 or 10 mins makes all the difference. (Works for most things for DD, gives her head time to get around the change.)