How to help with anxiety, resilience and self esteem

[dontdarepokethebear]

I'm looking for advice and/or resources how best to help DD 14 build resilience, manage her anxiety and boost her confidence. She's amazing but more and more her nerves are getting the better of her and the consequences are having a negative impact. It's heartbreaking and debilitating. Thanks

You can't boost a vague sense of confidence so you need to consider confidence-about-what. You can then have specific contextual actions. E.g. boost your confidence when talking on the phone, or boost confidence when in a group. Trying to generally just be more confidence is on a hiding to nowhere.

In terms of resilience you need to consider what kind of coping strategies she most needs. Is she an emotional coper who needs time and space to reflect or a problem focused coper who needs action. E.g. I'm a problem focused coper so if I get overwhelmed at work no amount of meditation or mindfulness will help me, I just need to get things crossed off my to do list and then I can calm down. I have colleagues who would rather take a week to reflect. Working out that is key to how you rebound from stressful situations.

I am beginning to think resilience is a dangerous term - granted I’m coming from the perspective of being a neurodivergent parent to a neurodivergent child. I no longer worry about him not being resilient, and instead build in down time and restoration and regulation activities around his stressful, depleting events.

So, for instance, if he has an upcoming event thst I know will be hard, I make sure that he gets time to do something that builds up his reserves before and after.

I’ve started doing the same myself- instead of stressing before a meeting (or whatever) I deliberately choose to do something pleasant instead (have a nice coffee, listen to music or an audio book, massage my hands, etc) and afterwards I acknowledge that it took a lot out of me, and I do something nice then too.

It’s proving a lot more beneficial than beating myself up for not being resilient!

In terms of anxiety - take a look at Eli Lebowitz SPACE research. In a nutshell it’s important not to be supportive and accommodating of anxiety, but instead to listen, and acknowledge the emotional reality for the child, but also convey your belief in their ability to do the hard things. I’m not explaining it well but read up on it because it’s a great guide to giving the right support as a parent.

@Andsoforth
So, for instance, if he has an upcoming event thst I know will be hard, I make sure that he gets time to do something that builds up his reserves before and after.
I’ve started doing the same myself- instead of stressing before a meeting (or whatever) I deliberately choose to do something pleasant instead (have a nice coffee, listen to music or an audio book, massage my hands, etc) and afterwards I acknowledge that it took a lot out of me, and I do something nice then too.
It’s proving a lot more beneficial than beating myself up for not being resilient!

This seems a really good idea for my anxious/depressed teen. I'll give it a go. Thank you.

Thank you for your responses. I really appreciate you taking the time to reply.

Some anxiety is good, it means you care and it's important but the balance has tipped too far. Recently DD has a music exam. By her own efforts, she was extremely well prepared. Talking to her teacher and accompanist, she was going for top marks. However beforehand she was consumed with nerves which got the better of her in the exam and she made mistakes she's never made before. She was devastated afterwards. Straight afterwards we went out to lunch and shopping as a big distraction. Just downtime and fun. We talked about it being something to learn from, how we knew what she was capable of and was so proud of her effort and that even though beforehand she was so scared she did it anyway. When the results came in she crumbled all over again. She didn't get top marks but she still did very well. We acknowledged her frustration that she knows it wasn't her best but under pressure she still did fantastically well. We don't want to dismiss her feelings but we don't want them to be blown out of proportion. As parents, we don't get cross or angry about the DCs results or demand they meet a certain level. We see they are trying their best and putting the effort in.

She puts so much pressure on herself with her school work. She's very self motivated and has to work very hard to get her good results so she has a great work ethic. But the stress is too much. We are very careful not to add to it and for her to know she has our support.

Like a PP said, I think you need a good amount of downtime and doing things you enjoy to allow you to cope with stressful situations. Even trying to make that happen is stressful as she feels she should be 'preparing for an exam or doing homework'.

These are just a couple of basic examples. There are so many instances which worry and nerves are dominating her life. When she does well, it doesn't boost her confidence.

Sorry for the rambling post. I'm worried about my worried DD - but I try not to show it and make things worse!

I love her so much, she's amazing- I just wish she could see it for herself.

So you have a perfectionist over achiever.

I guess you need to focus on things like:

• enforcing downtime and showing how it is overall beneficial
• letting her see you fail and it's no big deal
• praising effort not results
• praising balance in life not just hardwork
• doing things for fun not for exams/grades
• making sure she knows there are routes even for people who fail their exams
• relaxation techniques such as breathing, yoga, 54321 technique etc
• acknowledging that things go wrong in performance based exams, lots of people don't achieve their very best, but they do the best they can at that time

The music exam example seems entirely normal to me. I remember feeling horrendously nervous for mine as a child and of course you are more likely to make mistakes. I don't think that means her anxiety has gone 'too far' it seems proportionate. It is a stressful situation made worse by the (usual) silence of the examiner, it's tense!

I agree. However putting steps in place now will hopefully prevent it becoming an issue in GCSE years and beyond.