Year seven & sexuality/labels

[BluesandClues]

So ds has just started secondary school, his friends all seem very preoccupied with their sexuality and labels. So much so, that one of ds’s friends declared that he must be asexual as he doesn’t want a relationship.

Obviously chatted about it with them, but should I be concerned that a bunch of year sevens are stating that they’re pansexual, bisexual etc?

I think it's pretty common to have these conversations. None of them should be having sex though!
Some kids will have an inkling of their future sexuality at this stage but It's mostly hot air.

It's worrying how determined children are to label themselves these days, and that this is somehow seen as progressive.

That’s way too young to be thinking about such things.

It's the 'thing' now. It's great that they feel so confident talking about it, but it's really not good if it's far too intense with everyone having to pick a team or else others will decide for you.

From my observation as a teacher:

It's pretty common in that year group. It's a trend that has become more common in the last few years.

It wasn't typical say 5 years ago. 11-12 year olds vary widely in maturity and this will be more common in certain friendship groups but not others and also some ability groups but not others and some are still quite childlike.

Make sure you read the content of the sex and relationships lessons they will be having so you can discuss at home.

I think it’s good they talk about it now. I was that gay kid in school aged 11. It was like being an unwanted stranger in StraightWorld. I felt utterly, and dangerously, alone and very frightened constantly.

Keep an eye on the potential for bullying though. No one gets to tell your son what sexuality he is besides him.

'That's nice dear. You know I probably would have said the same at 11/12, tell me again on your last day of year 11!'
Unfortunately it's a fad, when I was in year 7 it was all about who was on MSN messenger, so much pressure to join! Or gossiping that so-in-so had a boyfriend and were holding hands - most being quite excited to know someone so grown up.
It is quite sad how it has changed to all about sexuality.

I have three teens, they all have friends who claim to be pan or trans. It's normal these days to talk about this sort of thing, so don't be too disapproving or you'll sound like an old fogey! But it's also fine to tell them that they have loads of time to decide.

I'm 23 and I remember girls in my school declaring they were bisexual and bicurious in year 7 and 8. I don't think it's an entirely new thing.

Okey dokey, my reaction was more one of ‘no one is allowed to give you a label without your consent.’ There was also a bit of ‘there’s no rush for anything, give yourself time.’

Actually I said similar to this as well, ‘well most people have a crush on a best mate and question themselves, totally normal.’

It is a trendy topic that is sometimes exacerbated by their social media heroes.

My son is older and politely nods along when the topic comes up even though he is GC and is a heterosexual male like many men in the world.

Yes, this as well.

I think you should be clear with your child that:

1. No year 7/8 child should be having sex or feeling ready to.
2. Anyone who wants to discuss sex with an 11yr old is a creep.
3. The vast majority of people are heterosexual, some aren’t, it will be up to your child whether or not to be heterosexual, but it is definitely far too early to explore this.
4. There is currently a fad for discussing lots of labels like ‘asexual’ ‘pansexual’ ‘queer’ etc but this is not about sexuality, it is an expression of the basic human urge to ‘find your tribe’ in a fragmented society. Such labels over complicate something that does not need to be over complicated. When your child is over 16 and feels ready for sex and has found a partner who feels the same way, then sex can happen. Until then, obsessing over labels is kinda sad and pathetic, and insisting on labelling others is rude.

It’s disturbing how easily accepted this is as some kind of progress.
Clearly there is an official agenda to hypersexualise children from as early an age they can get away with, and it’s not helped that many naive parents sleepwalk into this.

Allowing 11yo on social media is crazy to me.

Y7 DD’s friendship group is just the same, including one girl talking about breast binding. DD has told friends she’s bisexual but I’m pretty sure that’s about being “in” with the crowd - though absolutely no issue to us if she is. After a recommendation on here recently I’ve bought Sex and Gender by Phoebe Rose - still waiting for it to arrive though so can’t comment on content yet!

My teen is a bit older, so we had these conversations a few years ago. In the main I don't think it's terrible and for kids who are not straight, I think it will make like an awful lot easier. My DSD is in her late 20's and they were an extremely diverse and accepting bunch of teens too.
I think that many of these conversations are not really about sex, but as Shol says, it's tribal.
My DD was convinced she was asexual at 13, now she thinks she just wasn't (and isn't) ready for a relationship.
We talked a lot, covered all the usual bases but I was able to say to her that for some people, sexuality does develop and change over time. I know quite a lot of people who thought they were straight only to find themselves also same sex attracted. As long as both parties are consenting and legal it's all fine!

I meant to add, also that sexuality is fine to discuss as an abstract construct, but in reality you really do know who you are attracted to once you are ready to actually have sex.

Beamur I have a y7 and they already know about a range of these orientations (for want of a better term to use). In their friendship group now, most are interested in the opposite sex, one is undecided, and one describes themselves as gender fluid. This one has a 'partner' who is also gf - so as neither of them are typically male or female they avoided terms like boyfriend/girlfriend.
At primary, DC had a friend who felt they were maybe gay, possibly bisexual.
I've said that it is fine to be attracted to whoever- male, female or uncertain. But also that there is no need to have to "take up" and identity or label, as feelings and attractions can change over time.
None of the friendship group are sexually active. Most view kissing as "disgusting".

It's not something we make a big deal of. We have straight friends, gay friends (I include lesbians in this), bisexual friends, single friends. We know a couple of m to f transitioned people.
Generally I find y6/7/8 to have far more mature discussions and viewpoints than older people about these things.*

*off topic disclaimer- I frequently hang out with a group of people in their 70s, and they're mostly understanding and accepting too.

Aww I think it's great that kids are able to have these discussions, and obviously shouldn't feel pressured to choose so early, but knowing that there are so many types of sexuality or gender can only be good imo. Hopefully it means that no-one will feel like an outsider 🤞 And it sounds better than when I was a teenager and it was a race to have sex and prove your heterosexuality. It surprises me when people think it's a bad thing, after all we often sexualise kids early on anyway without them having a choice, some parents insisting on blue or pink, joking that a girl and boy friend might marry later, and don't get me started on how some young girls are encouraged to dress 😬
Showing them good role models of all sexualities and genders is my plan, and to be fair lots of the current pop stars (wow I sound old) seem to be really open minded and experimental 💜

You’re doing all the right things op. Good job!