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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Teenager problem

15 replies

shamilt1 · 13/12/2022 07:40

My eldest, 18 in December is a worry. He goes to bed between 11.30pm-12 on a school night, whilst this isn’t all that late he really struggles to get up in the morning. I have to repeatedly go in to try wake him and sometimes I’ve just had to leave him as I need to go to work, because I can’t get him up in time. On his days off he likes to stay up until 5 or 6am- occasionally he will stay up all night and all the next day too. Because of his sleeping habits he misses breakfast, on school days as he’s a fussy eater he buys sweets at lunch and then just picks at his tea - on a weekend if he hasn’t pulled an ‘all nighter’ then he won’t be up for breakfast or lunch. He used to be well made but now he’s a lot thinner. He’s studying for his A levels and his test results are getting worse- I’ve just tried to get him up this morning and he’s in bed with his clothes on from last night. He doesn’t wash regularly either…anyone any ideas how to sort him out?

OP posts:

lifeinthehills · 13/12/2022 07:55

He's not really the problem. Teens hormones change so that their rhythms are different. They are wired to go to bed late and wake up late. Society just dictates they must go against this.

Can you give him grab and go breakfasts?

Hygiene I'd put my foot down about (shower every evening ideally). He can set an alarm to remind him when to start. You can give him reminders but, at 18, he really needs to start taking personal responsibility for where he needs to be and experience the consequences of not doing what he is supposed to.

lifeinthehills · 13/12/2022 07:55

Another thought - is he depressed? Because if he is, he might need some support from a psychologist.

Original poster

shamilt1 · 13/12/2022 10:53

Thank you for your reply. We have asked him if he’s depressed because there’s plenty of signs there (I mean even when he’s awake he stays in bed all day), but he just thinks it’s funny and says he isn’t.. I get what you’re saying about hormones and teenagers, but even by teenagers standards, the staying up till 5-6am regularly and sometimes all night on his days off seems extreme to me- maybe I’m wrong in thinking this?
I guess one of the problems we have is what the consequences should be if he doesn’t do as he’s told and look after himself. What do other parents do? The only thing I can think of is taking all his devices off him- Kindle, iPad, phone, PC, TV everything until he toes the line. I’ll do it if I have to, but he doesn’t think he’s doing anything wrong so he’ll just think I’m being mean!

OP posts:

lifeinthehills · 13/12/2022 11:22

I think it's tricky because he's heading into the age where he's an adult and has to take responsibility for managing his life. On the other hand, when he's living at home you can set certain standards, like showering regularly. I have a rule that they can't disturb my sleep, so if his being up at night bothers you, I wouldn't allow it myself. Of course, if he's depressed, that really needs to be addressed and these things might take care of themselves. Would he talk with you about this and maybe agree to see a counsellor or your GP?

lailamaria · 13/12/2022 11:26

you can't confiscate his stuff he's nearly an adult and it's not his fault his sleeping is out of wack he can't help if he can't sleep until early morning what do you want him to do

Libre2 · 13/12/2022 12:30

lailamaria · 13/12/2022 11:26

you can't confiscate his stuff he's nearly an adult and it's not his fault his sleeping is out of wack he can't help if he can't sleep until early morning what do you want him to do

I’m not sure that’s a wildly realistic way of looking at things. What I would want him do if it were my child is start acting like the adult he nearly is and working along with the norms of society. If he is not functioning on the sleep pattern he has given himself then he needs to reassess. OP / this is a really difficult one and I have no advice. Have the school picked up on him getting progressively worse results?

crazycrofter · 13/12/2022 12:42

My ds (16 in year 12) has similar tendencies (not the hygiene but the sleep patterns). A couple of times he's missed first lesson as he's so tired, but generally getting to school is mandatory and he also has a Saturday job which starts at 8. He still stays up late, but he's now in the habit of napping after school/work. I've thought long and hard about whether that's an issue or not and I don't think it is really. After all, an afternoon nap is culturally normal in lots of countries.

Ds has always been an owl - even as a baby - so I don't think he's going to change. Occasionally he stays up until 5/6 but he knows he can't really take it as he gets migraines. But the 1-2 hour nap in the afternoon is working for him. Then he has a good meal at around 6 when he wakes. I actually make him breakfast (3x fried eggs!) every day as I know he wouldn't get round to it if left to his own devices. So I wake him and he eats in bed.

breakingthebank · 13/12/2022 12:56

Does he have a job? My dd is the same age and she says she likes having a part time job because it gives her something to get up for at weekends. Otherwise she'd laze about in bed all day.

During the week I go into her bedroom at about 10.30pm every night (when I go to bed) to say goodnight and prompt her to turn off her phone.

Original poster

shamilt1 · 13/12/2022 13:09

Thanks for all the comments (well, apart from one of them!).

School haven’t mentioned anything as yet, but he missed his lift with me on two occasions in the last couple of weeks, so I rang school to say he wouldn’t be in and that it was because I couldn’t get him out of bed. They just checked with him to see if everything was okay, he said yes and that was that.
The problem I have is now that he’s a young man and no longer a little boy, there seems to be not a lot I can do if he won’t go along with my advice. I’ve given him a talking to on numerous occasions, but he usually walks off uninterested. If I make him stay and listen until I finish he will, but then walks off uninterested!
He won’t engage in conversation about any of the things I see as a problem.

OP posts:

Bewitched005 · 13/12/2022 13:14

I remember an episode of Doctors Behind Closed Doors, where the mum had the same problem but with a slightly younger teen - he looked about 15 or 16.
The doctor said she should make him get up and go to school, even if he resented it. He said it would take about 6 months to reset his sleep patterns.

tietheknot · 13/12/2022 13:42

Around that age I went through a growth spurt and was sleeping a lot more, was late for school a few times. Parents didn't know what was going on (I was very studious/school house captain, never a problem child). Turns out I just needed the sleep.

On the odd occasion I would read books well into the night, some nights I'd lose track of time and only came too when I heard my parents getting up for work. At the time I enjoyed being able to make my own schedule for myself rather being dictated when I was eating, sleeping etc.

I don't think I started eating breakfast until I was 25, always a breakfast skipper and as a teenager can related to using sugar to power through the day.

Agree with an above post, I would at least encourage the daily showering...

But I'm 28 now, go to my bed at 10PM, eat breakfast every morning and make the most of my days. I think he's going through the age where he doesn't have to be told how to live anymore but he's finding his feet (slowly) on how to do it : )

Dacadactyl · 13/12/2022 13:46

He would need to start taking his college course seriously if he was mine. I'd also think about charging him rent tbh.

I think that inaction (on your part) when he was younger may have led to this issue now. Who pays his phone bill? I'd be starting to slowly withdraw financial support from him...otherwise he will be 30 and a loser still dependant on you.

GrumpyPanda · 13/12/2022 13:46

The only thing I can think of is taking all his devices off him- Kindle, iPad, phone, PC, TV everything until he toes the line. I’ll do it if I have to, but he doesn’t think he’s doing anything wrong so he’ll just think I’m being mean!

Punishment not, but all of those devices are going to a huge problem studying for exams! Can you frame cutting down on devices in some sort of non-punitive form? Say against a reward or as part of a wider family media-free January?

underneaththeash · 13/12/2022 13:48

My year 12 rarely eats breakfast and is usually in bed around 11.30 on a school night. He would quite happily stay up all night at the weekend, but we won't let him. Wifi goes off at 12. Our house, our rule.

They need a decent amount of sleep catch up at the weekend to function.

SafeSpaceForYou · 03/09/2023 23:34

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