Teenage girls - what's normal?

[Troubledteen]

My DD is 13 and having some issues. My DS is 21, and we didn't have anything like this with him, so feeling a bit lost and unsure.

She's becoming withdrawn from family life (lots of time in her room alone - usually on phone), easily wound up, often late, not completing homework and lying about phone usage - general teenagery business that we've not been too worried about.

More recently, these issues have been escalating and her mood is very low. Tonight I went into her and she'd been crying for a long time. She 'doesn't know' why.

I suspect ADHD (dad has it), as she's been showing more signs recently. Says school is too hard to cope with and she's very overwhelmed with the workload. In lessons she is easily distracted and overwhelmed, and often has 'time out' with school support.

She had some counselling earlier this year for emetophobia, which was not useful in the slightest. She still has struggles with this, but I feel like recent issues are more generalised anxiety/depression related.

I know raising teenage girls can be a bit of a wild ride, but what is to be expected? How much solitary crying/anxiety about school/reluctance to go to school, etc, is normal?

I'd really appreciate any feedback, as I'm feeling very lost and worried.

Thanks all

I was like this and school was a battle for me,I didn’t go in for 5 months in year 10 (I had other unresolved issues too so that did make my situation a bit worse,why I stayed off for longer than normal)and it was very tough…With possible adhd depression and anxiety are very common.Have you looked at autism?I have adhd and autism but her emotional moods,anxiety and withdrawal from family paired with emetophobia could be signs (people with autism tend to be more prone to phobias due to sensory issues and often more anxious nature).Adhd and autism have pretty similar traits either way so could be either I’d look into autism if you haven’t already though,could explain her emotional side and how she processes things

Anyways,I cried a lot and was very anxious during the worst time of my mental health issues,that was around age 15/16.I don’t think it’s unusual for her to be so upset if she does have possible adhd or something similar.I have a younger sister 15 and she is like this,I think many young girls are struggling with these issues and I wouldn’t be worried in that respect.While it’s not the typical behaviour you’d expect from a teen girl,it’s more prevalent now.You just have to show her you love her.With these things it can be hard to change mindsets,when she’s got anxiety and school stresses and brings it home with her,that’s probably why she goes up and on her phone so much,to distract herself…

its a tough thing for a family to deal with but as long as you love her and show her your support that’s one step done…I’d really contact her school and ask if they can help set up a meeting with a psychiatrist to try and deduce what she could have and then seek a potential diagnosis…I added some links about autism signs,but you could be right with the adhd,both are quite similar.If she was to have adhd I’d suspect it’s probably inattentive adhd,it’s more common in girls,they have trouble focusing but aren’t impulsive or hyperactive and can be more shy.Hope everything gets sorted,I know how hard it can be for parents to deal with behaviour like this in their childrens,I saw my mum and nana go through it while I was growing up…Your so strong and being a mum can be hard especially when your unfamiliar with dealing with these issues,but you’ll adapt eventually and it’ll be easier once you can get help and focus on seeking help for your daughter as they’ll give you tools to help parent her and understand her.

www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=&ved=2ahUKEwiu55TCpvX7AhVLeMAKHXbyAdkQFnoECAoQAQ&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.aspriscs.co.uk%2Fnews-blogs%2Fsigns-and-symptoms-of-autism-in-teenagers%2F&usg=AOvVaw2drukUF_EJcpD0paoPVxR7

www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=&ved=2ahUKEwiu55TCpvX7AhVLeMAKHXbyAdkQFnoECAwQAQ&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.verywellhealth.com%2Fsigns-of-autism-in-girls-260304&usg=AOvVaw2pORrlmH5u-eZoaHh2jI3L

Watch I am Ruth (I think it's called that) on channel 4. It's quite likely social media/ friendship related. I'm not sure how you can address this. Ideally she isn't in her room on her phone too much. We ban phones from bedrooms, only to be used in 'public' areas in our house because it can get out of hand.

I hope she can open up and talk to you about what's going on. Does she have good friends at school?

Ps. I have a 14yo twins (girls and boy) and a 17yo boy and your Dd's behavior wouldn't be normal for any of them, though I can see my eldest could have gone that way. He has depressive tendencies but without any tech in bedroom he can't hide in there. He really enjoys family time playing games. What does your DD enjoy doing with you or with the family? I try to take my kids out and have good chats outside the house (cafe or even a drive).

Do you think she might be struggling with her identity and is self aware and probably feeling very lonely, she needs something out of the standard? Maybe she's not impressed with her peers.
I hope your DD can find the outlet she needs.

Thanks for this Jassy. I hadn't suspected ASD , but DH has adhd and high functioning ASD, so it's not unthinkable.

I'm going to ring school again tomorrow. They've not been great so far, but worth another try!

Thanks again for sharing

this sounds like my DD13 but she has PTSD and is also just starting the road to ASD assessment.

Thanks MM. She does have better friendships now, but it's been a bit of a running disaster with them. Missing 2 super important schools years because of covid didn't help, as I think it really affected her.

I think cracking down on phone time is essential.

Yes, it could well be something like this. It's such a tricky age, and friends/SM doesn't help!

We're doing loads with her outside of school to boost her confidence (choir singing/performances/acting classes etc), but nothings really helping.

Sorry you're going through this SC. It makes you feel so helpless doesn't it 🙁

The school will tell you they have no worries about her if she's plugging along academically and causing no problems in the classroom. If she isn't failing miserably in most of her classes and throwing chairs at the teachers on a regukar basis any issues she's having will go completely unnoticed.

School may not even be aware of any bullying that's going on.

Find a private psychologist and have her assessed for ADHD and autism spectrum presentation. Look at dyslexia and dyscalculia too. I know two girls whose dyslexia was only diagnosed at 14. And ask about depression, but it can go hand in hand with autism, which can cause immense grief in girls when they get to secondary school and the social scene is suddenly full of shifting sands, communication is loaded with nuance, and it all becomes very difficult for girls who expect their peers to say what they mean and mean what they say..