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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Anyone in the other side?

8 replies

Cookiesandicecream · 11/12/2022 06:52

My dd is in year 8 and is being excluded by her friendship group. She’s isolated when going for lunch and feels so left out. She has friends at her drama group/from primary and she’s a kind friend.
Has anyone been thorough this and come out the other side? What helped your dd when they were lonely/excluded? When did things improve? Were the school helpful? If so, what did they do? Was your dd affected long term, or are they ok now?
Thanks

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 11/12/2022 07:31

Does school have any lunch time clubs or homework groups she could go to at lunch ? Hopefully school provides something as there are many kids in this situation.

whiteroseredrose · 11/12/2022 07:58

Yes. DS at that age.

Friends from primary didn't do or say anything when a newbie to the group kept saying that he couldn't sit with them and to fu*k off.

It took a while but he got friendly with others in his class - the ones he thought were geeky - and everyone moved on.

leftitabitlate22 · 11/12/2022 08:12

Your poor dd. I'd look for new friends it won't work out well with these ones in the long term.

Can she join some new clubs at lunchtime? Hopefully find some like minded people there.

DippyDoppy123 · 11/12/2022 12:07

Yes and although my teen hadn’t found ‘her tribe’ things are better. She has people she sits with at lunch, people to talk to in class and text. No one really she sees out of school yet…
we did approach school when things were at their worst and they really helped by changing seating plans in lessons and sitting her next to the nice, chatty kids- not the ‘popular crowd’ but the ones who’d be nice. This really helped.
we also backed off a little and stopped asking if she’d spoken to anyone etc and I think this took the pressure off and let her take control.
it’s a horrible time but you will come out the other end.
we also tried to make it clear that this is just a short period in her life and things would get better-

pingster · 11/12/2022 12:57

This sounds just like my daughter in y7/8. It got so bad we took her out of school and did homeschooling for a term. We'd spoken to school before this and they really didn't do anything to help and didn't seem to care. She then went back to another large comprehensive school and ended up in the same situation (her confidence had been so badly affected at the first school that she really struggled to be herself at school). We then moved her again to a tiny independent school. She's now in y12 and is doing fantastically. She has some lovely friends, her confidence is growing and she's doing really well at school and most importantly she's happy!

Original poster
Cookiesandicecream · 11/12/2022 21:56

Thanks for the replies! It gives me some hope things will improve/ideas the school can hopefully implement…
if anyone else has any positive outcome stories/ideas to share, that would be appreciated

OP posts:
Libre2 · 12/12/2022 09:20

Year 8 is notoriously difficult. DS got diagnosed with type 1 diabetes at the start of year 8 which didn't help but that notwithstanding, he absolutely hated school - we had school refusal, the works. Towards the end of year he started forging new relationships with people and whilst he still doesn't love school, he has a nice group of friends and goes off to school reasonably happily.

He used to spend a lot of year 8 sat in the library at break times.

onceuponacloud · 12/12/2022 11:24

Cookiesandicecream · 11/12/2022 06:52

My dd is in year 8 and is being excluded by her friendship group. She’s isolated when going for lunch and feels so left out. She has friends at her drama group/from primary and she’s a kind friend.
Has anyone been thorough this and come out the other side? What helped your dd when they were lonely/excluded? When did things improve? Were the school helpful? If so, what did they do? Was your dd affected long term, or are they ok now?
Thanks

This happened to my DD. She was suddenly ostracised by her long term friendship group. Whispering, turning their backs to her. Giggling. Saying no one cares when she spoke. It was awful and very cruel. Our advice was it was better to be alone than try to hang on to them and they would do it again in future even if things got better short term. She is a tough cookie and completely stopped bothering with them. This meant that she was completely isolated in some classes and was very upsetting and difficult for her. One of the main problems has been that these girls were everywhere- her classes her groups etc. So my DD has had to be friendly and chat with others in those groups and she's definitely found it hard. My DD initially fled to another friendship group for lunch and break who were ok but clearly not her tribe. She then moved into a new group which fingers crossed seems ok. My advice is to try to build her confidence and resilience. Your DD needs to get her game face on and be open and friendly to people she likes or seem friendly. These situations happen all the time in year 8 and there will be lots of girls who float from group to group and lots of nice girls. Get her seating plans changed if need be and even change classes if she's really isolated. Clubs are a good idea. It will pass before you know it if she can pluck up the courage to chat to others. FWIW we eventually found out why DD had been ostracised- it was all one girl in the group deciding to target her and we are relieved that she is rid of that toxic group even though it has been really hard! Good luck

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