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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Stuck in a rut - teenager gaming

15 replies

Remmy123 · 08/12/2022 15:08

My 14 year old son has no hobbies. He never sees mates outside of school. He lives and breathes gaming.

weekends we don't see him he spends all weekend gaming

if he wasn't gaming I'd have no idea what to do with him because he doesn't enjoy anything.

we are in a rut and not sure how to get out of it

school report wasn't great either

I am thinking of saying no gaming Monday - Thursday?!

OP posts:
Knors · 08/12/2022 15:28

No advice but my youngest brother(17) is the same. We've all tried to help him get out of the house and do stuff but he said he's just not interested. He has no friends at all except for the one's he games with online. My DH said he'll grow out of it as he's still young.

Byelaws · 08/12/2022 15:31

The answer isn’t less gaming, it is more of something else.

You are going to need to find something else that he can get a rush from. Mountain bikes, climbing, making YouTube videos, something.

Don’t fight gaming. It’s a waste of your time. You need to think creatively about other things he can do.

Remmy123 · 08/12/2022 15:58

@Byelaws

problem is he did bmx'ing racing for years / football / mountain biking gave it all up

he does have adhd - just diagnosed

does that make you more susceptible to gaming i wonder!

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Chattycathydoll · 08/12/2022 16:02

My autistic younger brother spent a lot of time gaming. So I started gaming with him. Are these multiplayer games? Could you get into a game with him? It gives you a connection, something to talk about, and shows you’re taking an interest in the things he cares about.

During lockdown, world of Warcraft was a lifesaver. I played with friends I couldn’t see, with my brother. I took DD out on our hour’s walk and when she said it was boring, played fantasy game music as we walked through the woods and pretended we could see elves or monsters in the trees.

Byelaws · 08/12/2022 16:31

You need to help him get back into those sports. Maybe even get him some 1-2-1 coaching.

24/7 gaming is seriously unhealthy.

GatesToTown · 08/12/2022 16:45

Anything you can do as a family? A tv show - I mean literally hundreds on streaming services, a sport, board games, going for a walk, cards, spend time with him rather than expecting him to come up with entertaining ideas himself.

As a family we watch shows together, or YouTube where there are just so many avenues of entertainment, we have a family dinner every night where everyone chats, sometimes we have listened to podcasts whilst eating and talked about the podcast.

I agree with you cannot fight the gaming, he is always going to want to do that. He needs to do other things too.

dolor · 08/12/2022 17:36

The dopamine we ADHD folks get from things that we absolutely LOVE, will unequivocally mean we aren't interested in doing other things. Gaming seems like a hyperfocus for him, and whilst it clearly keeps him happy, he can't sit and game for the rest of his life.

I am a gamer but I don't game every day, and I only do it when I've made sure to do boring things first that need my attention, such as laundry and the like.

He's a teen so he will also be all hormones and rage and possibly have a wobbler if you take it away from him, but unfortunately, if you don't start to reduce it, it will take over absolutely everything.

Not doing social things outside school etc is a symptom of being overwhelmed, if you were to insist he went to a sports club or the like, you should expect to see a meltdown. He will also likely feel exhausted from masking at school all day, so gaming is likely his form of comfort and escapism.

Unfortunately, if you want his gaming time to decrease, you'll have to impose some limits. People might say that this is a bad idea, but those of us with ADHD do respond well to structure IF we are allowed time to do the things we love. People often get angry with us for not being able to self regulate, but this is because our dopamine levels are crap and therefore anything that doesn't give us that rush won't interest us one iota. This is why we get called lazy, but we don't have that switch in our brains that says "hey, we know this is boring but it needs to be done, so do it."

We often don't see how bad things are until they are overwhelming, and then we get "stuck" BECAUSE of that overwhelm, so we can't get through it without help, and then we don't ask for help because of shame, and then the cycle perpetuates until it gets worse.

I would gently suggest that you tell him that there are going to be two nights a week where you do something together as a family that doesn't involve gaming. Often we neuro folks don't realise how fun something is until we are shown. Rather than asking him what he wants to watch or do, organise something and make sure he's there. He might be restless and fidgety, this is normal for ADHD because many of us can't sit still or remain in the same position for long if we are doing something we are bored with. Watching me do things in a kitchen is hilarious, rather than doing something in one place like a normal person, I will end up spreading it across the entire room and then think, oh shit look at this mess. It's eyeroll inducing and embarrassing.

He might have a meltdown if he's not allowed to game, or maybe he will go into freeze mode because we do that too - if we have no interest in something we just....freeze.

If he's just been diagnosed then I'm guessing he hasn't been given any medication yet? If he hasn't he will need to go through titration for that. It takes a bit of time.

Remmy123 · 08/12/2022 18:13

@GatesToTown such a helpful informative reply - thank you so much for taking the time!

no he isn't on medication it's all v new, he doesn't have hyper part but lacks focus hence why we got a diognosis.

last year he got banned several times due to poor behaviour and he had horrendous meltdowns I realised quickly that was not a good idea.

OP posts:
dolor · 08/12/2022 18:36

Please look into medication - the difference you'll see will be staggering. I know there's a lot of hesitancy with medication kids, but try and imagine what it would be like if everyone around you was walking on a flat surface with a couple of bags of shopping, and then you're walking on an uphill travelator that's going DOWN, and you have many many bags of heavy shopping, AND you're expected to keep up without struggling or being out of breath.

That's what having ADHD is like.

PritiPatelsMaker · 10/12/2022 20:44

dolor that is such a good description of ADHD.

DigitalGoat · 10/12/2022 20:51

My son was like this for most of his school years. He's got ASD and behaviour at school was always a problem. We tried desperately to impose screen time limits but in the end gave in and just let him do it. I felt like a bad parent but had pretty much felt like that since he started school.

One thing I did do was offer to learn coding with him. We found some online tuition and both learned Python.

Fast forward to today, I enjoy coding as a hobby but more importantly at 20 years old DS has a good job, didn't go to Uni because he didn't fancy it but is earning a graduate salary in computing/robotics. He still spends most of his free time gaming. It doesn't always turn out badly, and I wish you and your family the best OP.

dolor · 11/12/2022 01:15

PritiPatelsMaker · 10/12/2022 20:44

dolor that is such a good description of ADHD.

Thank you - it's honestly what it feels like.

dutysuite · 11/12/2022 01:27

My 15 year old was very into gaming when he was 14 he is now 15 with a different hobby but he hardly leaves his room and very rarely socialises, but then he’s school friends are all the same none of them seem to leave the house.

Tukmgru · 11/12/2022 01:35

“My son has no hobbies”
Yes, he does. Gaming.
”He never sees mates outside of school”
Yes he does, online.
“Weekends we don’t see him”
Yes, he’s 14 and has a laptop, he’s busy and you don’t understand the things he’s interested in.

I’m not unsympathetic, but most PP on here seem incapable of putting themselves in the shoes of a teenager in 2022. Life is very, very different to how you or I grew up even a few years ago. The only PP who makes a lick of sense here is the one who learnt coding with their son - good on them. Even then, though, you’re parents of a teenager - they don’t really want to spend time with you IRL online. Give it a few years, maybe around 17/18 and they will again. Chin up!

Remmy123 · 11/12/2022 07:24

Thanks for your responses they are so helpful and make alot of sense.

yesterday he made sure he took breaks throughout the day from gaming, ok he did then look at you tube, but he is listening to me wheh I say he needs breaks if he wants to game so much.

i need to stop thinking 'he shouid be playing football / he shouid be out with friends' and accept who he is.

we had a terrible year 8 and I posted on here so much as was so worried (many detentions / phone calls home/ school meetings) not one teacher said it couid be adhd.

on Friday I got a call home from school from his teacher, I thought 'oh no here we go again' but it was praising him for dong so well on one of his classes and I almost cried with joy because I've had 3 positive phone calls this year - last year I was getting around 3-4 a week bad ones- so I am feeling immensely proud at his ability to turn things around.

i needs to trust that gaming won't impact his life in the way I've worried about and it will all work out.

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