Finding your tribe

NikiNooNa · 06/12/2022 18:06

DippyDoppy123 · 06/12/2022 17:36

Are there any other parents out there with teens who haven’t found their tribe?
daughter was quietly confident at primary with a large friendship circle and she is still friends with some of that group now.
she went to a different secondary to most of them and just hasn’t found anyone to build a close friendship with. She has people to sit with at lunch etc and people to message but nothing deeper.
she tries but just says they have nothing in common- she is a bit old for her years and hates all the banter at school. She has a low tolerance for racism, sexism etc. This afternoon some boys were mean to a yr7 child on the bus and it really upset her.
I’m pleased that she is mature enough not to get involved in all the drama of teen life but worry that she’s lonely. The people she is closest to at school are two boys but she is reluctant to arrange social things out of school incase people view them as her boyfriend. She says the majority of people in her class are all going to a Christmas event in the town and no one has mentioned it to her- not sure she’d even want to go but it still hurts 😊
she does after school hobbies and has friendships there.
any positive stories of teens who were similar who came out the other side? What helped?

My son was very similar. No one disliked him but he wasn't exactly people's first choice so often a bit left out. He headed to a festival, planning to meet some (sort of but not close) friends there met a local lad on the train he helped with and now has a big and varied group of friends. He was 16. I also had a friend group outside my of school that came from a chance meeting on a bus! Hang on in there she sounds lovely and I'm sure she'll find her people

NikiNooNa · 06/12/2022 18:08

Last message should say gelled with not helped with!

Original poster

DippyDoppy123 · 06/12/2022 18:13

Thank you for your positive response. I keep telling her to hang in there, be open to people and study hard.
I think she thinks everyone else at school is having the time of their life- I say that I wouldn’t go back to secondary school if they paid me thousands of pounds. Most of my friendships have come out of the blue so you are right.

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senua · 06/12/2022 18:18

Key Stage 3 is horrible for most people. Some hide it better than others.

NikiNooNa · 06/12/2022 19:10

I agree with pp - secondary school is a tough time. Luckily seems she has a lovely mum which I'm sure will help until she finds her crew ☺️

Buteverythingsfine · 06/12/2022 19:14

It may just be that's what's on offer- sitting with someone at lunch and messaging sounds at least like she's not completely isolated. I certainly had friends at that age which were nice, but I'm not sure they were deep friendships, I didn't find my tribe til around GCSEs and then much more at A level. Not helpful, but I don't think deep friendships are quite what's on offer when they are 11-13, often it is a bit superficial, my girls found the same but have gone on to find better friends, particularly after 16. Keep doing things as a family, with cousins/aunts if you have any, and encourage her to join in and do hobbies she enjoys (e.g. sports or drama or crafts).

Original poster

DippyDoppy123 · 06/12/2022 19:23

Thanks everyone… you are all really kind and supportive. think I just needed some reassurance. I try and keep it all light and positive for her but inside I feel my own anxiety rising up!
Yes, luckily she’s not isolated- she did go through a tough period when her best friend left school to be home schooled and she went through a period when she didn’t speak to anyone at school and that was really tough. That’s not the case now but listening to her there are lots of popular girls who sound like they’d make awful friends and a few girls who she’s trying to develop friendships with but it sounds like they have their own issues going on.
I wonder if Covid lockdown has had an impact.

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MargotMoon · 07/12/2022 17:56

I literally came on the Teenagers board wondering if anyone had started a thread like this! I'm going through the exact same thing with DD14 who is in Y9.

She desperately wants deeper friendships and a 'best' friend and the girl she thought she had this with was very much not meeting her needs and not being reliable/trustworthy. DD is having anxiety attacks and overthinking everything at the moment. She is trying to forge relationships with other girls who she thinks might be more on her wavelength but these things take time and she has days when she feels really lonely and isolated.

She talks to me about it a lot, which is good, but we do go round in circles. But that's worrying for you. I know she will get through it and start to form these friendships but I remember being in the exact same boat at her age and it didn't happen for me until a good year later which is like a lifetime at that age!

Having to step back and let them work through it is tough, realising that suddenly you can't fix it all with a kiss better and their favourite pudding....

MichaelFabricantWig · 07/12/2022 17:58

My son was like this, I was quite sad for him. However he’s now 16 and honestly since the summer I can’t believe how things have changed. He’s never in now lol and has a lovely group of close friends and a wider circle of good friends.

Original poster

DippyDoppy123 · 07/12/2022 18:27

MargotMoon
She sounds like my Dd- she shares a lot which is great but then I start to overthink it all. I was similar to her when I was that age but didn’t share with my parents and think they were oblivious.
if only we could sort things out with a chocolate pudding and an arranged play date! 😊
fingers crossed our girls get a break soon xxx

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Original poster

DippyDoppy123 · 07/12/2022 18:28

MichaelFabricantWig · 07/12/2022 17:58

My son was like this, I was quite sad for him. However he’s now 16 and honestly since the summer I can’t believe how things have changed. He’s never in now lol and has a lovely group of close friends and a wider circle of good friends.

That’s really encouraging to hear thank you.

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MargotMoon · 07/12/2022 18:35

Yes, there's lots in your post that sounds like my DD. She hates drama and is very emotionally aware. I think some people are much better at burying their feelings (eg her dad 😂)

Malsau · 29/06/2023 23:19

Hi, how is your daughter getting on? Really hope things have improved!! My son is in a very similar position, he has friends but they are defo not his tribe. He’s trying to make connections with other kids but it’s so hard as a parent to see them unsettled xx

Original poster

DippyDoppy123 · 30/06/2023 21:08

Malsau
things are much better! She’s definitely extended the number of people she chats to at school and it’s a small thing but she calls people ‘my friends’ now. She tells us bits of gossip or news and that’s nice to hear.
she’s even been out socially with a couple of the girls- a concert and a musical show. These went really well.
Although I think she still hasn’t found her tribe she is happy and looking forwards to going somewhere new for a levels and hopefully find people who love music as much as she does!
she even went for a taster day at a sixth form by herself a few weeks ago and knew no one when she went but came away with a new friend.
To everyone worried about their teen and friendship hang in there! It does get better!

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MargotMoon · 01/07/2023 06:21

That's great to hear. My DD is doing better too. It's easy to forget how quickly things can change when you're in the middle of a situation, but life moves on and all of a sudden they come out the other side!