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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

My DD has hit another child in school

25 replies

mumofblu · 05/12/2022 19:29

My DD is just 15 . Can be really great in lots of ways but can be short tempered .

2 weeks ago a girl same age in school who she's never mentioned as an issue started calling my DD horrible names ( I think this girl may be connected with my DD ex from another school . This name calling went on for 3 days without my Dd reporting to anyone before it accelerated and my Dd hit this girl in school . DD immediately said she should not have done it and schools opinion was my Dd was provoked and punished in line with school behaviour policy . Other girl was spoken to and an expectation that it would all blow over .
2 weeks later my Dd is struggling in school , feels awkward , has told others she deeply regrets what she did but other girl not accepting apology or taking any responsibility of her actions that preceded behaviour ( name calling etc )
Dd feels only comfortable with bf in school . Bf has now thrown water over the girl my Dd hit . My Dd says she was sitting with him but didn't know he was going to do it . Bf is now excluded from school , girls parents are refusing mediation and my Dd not wanting to go to school

Any words of advice for me here ?

OP posts:

Original poster

mumofblu · 05/12/2022 19:33

Oh and other girl was / is still continuing to provoke my Dd .
Btw I absolutely don't agree with what my Dd did by hitting and I've made it v clear that she needs to remove herself if she ever feels like that again

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Original poster

mumofblu · 05/12/2022 21:59

Bump

OP posts:

PritiPatelsMaker · 05/12/2022 23:13

If she's still taunting your DD that's a public order offence. How would your DD feel about you talking to the school?

Motheranddaughtertotwo · 05/12/2022 23:16

Speak to the school pastoral team and/or the year head. If your daughter is miserable at school don’t keep quiet about it. Secondary schools get away with not doing enough way too often.

cansu · 06/12/2022 20:07

Think there might be some truth missing from your dd story. She just happened to be sitting with him when he threw water at the girl. Chances are she knew exactly what he was going to do.

Original poster

mumofblu · 06/12/2022 20:12

@cansu
Her boyfriend is the only person she feels comfortable with now , she regrets what she's done but the girl won't accept an apology and ofc the other girls don't like what my Dd has done . The bf definately acted on his own , he has a history of disruptive behaviour . My Dd works hard , good grades and is liked by teachers .

OP posts:

Original poster

mumofblu · 06/12/2022 20:13

She was on her own and bf invited her to sit with him because of that . She knows that makes it look like she told him to do it but she definitely didn't

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cansu · 06/12/2022 20:14

Maybe she should not be hanging out with someone like the bf who has a history of disruptive behaviour and decided to help his girlfriend by causing another issue and escalating this.

caringcarer · 06/12/2022 20:31

Have you considered getting your dd anger management. She is 15, not a little child. She will be in the workplace soon.

CandyLeBonBon · 06/12/2022 20:46

A good school would not exclude a student for simply throwing water at another student.

A good school also works with parents from both sides to ensure all sides are heard.

Your dd may well be sorry, but the fact is she escalated to violence and didn't feel there was any other pathway to deal with the situation means that she has some work to do.

Why didn't she feel able to tell you/a teacher/the pastoral team/ a friend/a relation/ a sibling that she was struggling?

If you already know she has a short fuse, how do you manage that at home?

If your DD hit someone and then tries to apologise, that's great, but if the person she hit is not interested, then your DD needs to accept that. Anything else is controlling and potentially abusive behaviour.

I'm feeling this is a very one sided account.

Original poster

mumofblu · 06/12/2022 22:44

@cansu
Totally agree with the advice of not hanging out with the bf . School me and her dad have all challenged her relationship with this boy . He is excluded regularly this is just another incident .

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Original poster

mumofblu · 06/12/2022 22:54

@caringcarer
She has been receiving excellent support from the school with mental health issues
She deeply regrets what she did and doesn't excuse her action . She had told everyone this .

Our issue is the girl who was hit is keeping it going and as a result our DD is struggling to attend school .

No way do I excuse what she did and we and the school have dealt firmly with her .

The school have been excellent but the other girls parents are refusing any intervention including looking at why their Dd began doing what she did to our Dd which triggered the slap .

I knew my Dd would feel the repercussions but watching her so distressed 3 weeks later is really challenging because I don't know what to say .

She has been punished , taken responsibility, apologised and now withdrawing from going to school and feeling hopeless .

That's why I'm asking

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whowhatwerewhy · 07/12/2022 06:20

You need to go back to the school. Explain to them your daughter has taken full responsibility for her actions, apologised , learnt from her mistake and wants to move on . However she's unable to do this due to the other girl, ask how they intend to continue to support your daughter and the other girl as she obviously has issues with accepting an apology and moving on .
You need to turn this now so it's the other girl's problem as she's the one not able to let it go .

ForTheLoveOfSleep · 07/12/2022 06:30

the other girl as she obviously has issues with accepting an apology and moving on .

Why do people have this idea that because they are under 18 "sorry" is enough when being physically assaulted? The girl doesn't have to accept the apology. The parents don't have to accept the apology. Your daughter escalated it to extreme levels by using violence.

The girl does however need to stop bullying your daughter and her continuing to do so is a separate issue from the violent incident.

PAFMO · 07/12/2022 06:34

Work with the school to resolve your daughter's behaviour and anger issues.
As pp says, at that age, frankly, your daughter is lucky the police aren't involved. Particularly given the second assault on the same student.
Stop believing every single word she says. She's reading The Script.
The boyfriend sounds a charmer as well.

Original poster

mumofblu · 07/12/2022 07:10

@PAFMO
Sorry but your reply is so wrong I wonder if you have even read my post or just reacted to the title !

I'm in contact with the school daily.
The police were informed by the other parents , an action although upsetting I agreed with . The police have taken no action
Statements from other pupils and the other girl support what my Dd said so yes I believe her .

She's made a massive mistake and admits it , I have talked with school about mediation but other parents don't want to .

Neither girl behaved well

So how do we move on ??????

Totally agree about the boyfriend , they do not see each other outside of school anymore .

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Alexandernevermind · 07/12/2022 07:19

Kids fall out all the time at school. Your dd isn't the first kid to hit a bully (i know mine has, it wasn't right but it stopped the bully). The girl she hit has every right not to accept the apology. They aren't ever going to be friends. If her bf is her only ally at the school you shouldn't stop them hanging out together, but I would be concerned about a dependent relationship. Your dd is obviously very unhappy, you need to be going into school to speak to the teachers, perhaps ask for her to be referred to their mental health team.

PorridgewithQuark · 07/12/2022 07:21

Whilst of course it goes without saying that it is never okay to respond with physical violence, the constant taunting over a long period is incredibly unpleasant and serious, but often easier for schools to dismiss and ignore than do anything about.

I think that you have to keep requesting meetings with the school until you are completely sure they've got the needling from the other girl under control.

Is her school one of the ones where year groups are in two halves? If so it may be worth talking to the pastoral team or relevant deputy head about having your daughter moved to the other half of the year so their paths don't cross except before and after school (and most unfortunately this would presumably also make it difficult to spend so much time during school hours with her not especially positive boyfriend, and give her a chance for something of a new start peer group wise).

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 07/12/2022 07:42

ForTheLoveOfSleep · 07/12/2022 06:30

the other girl as she obviously has issues with accepting an apology and moving on .

The girl does however need to stop bullying your daughter and her continuing to do so is a separate issue from the violent incident.

This. Your daughters apology doesn't need to be accepted. Why should the other girl accept it? Your daughter needs to speak to the school again, with you, if this girl is continuing her behaviour. What about your dd friends? Could they go to the head teacher with your dd to say they've seen it?

walkinwardrobe · 07/12/2022 07:46

I understand the difficulty involved. I believe this though. We should acknowledge that other people's behaviour is not, and will never be completely in anyone else's control. No one can "make" another person be nice, no one. The school should do its best to promote positive behaviour, and obviously enforce the bullying policy, but it can't guarantee a relaxed and friendly environment at all times. It can't demand the other girl accepts an apology.
I believe the only thing you can reasonably do if to assess the effect it has on your daughter and act accordingly.

LondonWolf · 07/12/2022 07:48

To be quite honest - in light of the "water throwing" it sounds like the other girl is being horribly bullied and I don't think you have the full story. Honestly I'm not trying to "give OP a kicking" I hate that about MN and never do it but this all sounds off.

Petronus · 07/12/2022 07:49

I feel for your daughter. I would also suggest though that the girl who has been hit and had water thrown over her has a very different view to the one you present and I absolutely wouldn’t want my child to mediate with you either. I think at this point I would be asking the school to keep them separate at all times, rather than resolve it. We’ve done this before where I work and unless it’s a tiny secondary this should be possible.

CherieBabySpliffUp · 07/12/2022 07:51

Are the school aware the other girl is continuing with the name calling etc? They should be on top of that.

Mariposista · 07/12/2022 16:55

All 3 of them need to keep apart and focus on their exams rather than this nonsense.

Original poster

mumofblu · 07/12/2022 17:07

My Dd is still going to school because she doesn't want to lose her education , she bitterly regrets her action and wants to move on . I'm not deluded as a parent but I can see her remorse and suffering .

I also recognise the other girl and her parents anger is justified .

The school are very aware but not sure what the solution is , same with me .

I have told her to keep her head down, not react but if the other girl continues to taunt her she needs to tell a teacher .

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