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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

16 year old DS causing trouble

18 replies

fdkc · 01/12/2022 17:30

Hey all, we have a 16 year old DS and he is constant fighting and arguing with people online, it has now started to directly affect us and our other children (twin DS 16 and DD 18). My dh has gotten a threatening phonecall from a local drug dealer saying he'll put a bullet in his head if our ds doesn't stop mouthing about him and mouthing to his sons. Our son has always been a mouthpiece, he can't get on with people and thinks he's a hard lad, always calling people out to fight and abusing them on Snapchat. We have removed his phone many times, sometimes months long but when we eventually return it he starts again after a while. Now I'm not saying he starts all this and sometimes he's just retaliating with boys abusing him first. But he can never just ignore and move on, he always has to have a go. He is extremely disliked and unpopular, has no real friends and his twin brother is now getting threats off people and his older sister is also getting abuse for being related to him. What can we do, where can we go from here? Obviously his phone is gone again but we are at our witts end with him, we are wondering if there is something mentally wrong with him. He is below average in school aswell, always has been but he never seen this behaviour growing up. Myself and his dad are normal, working class people, work full time and are comfortable. He always had what he needed and wanted and both our families are normal and none of our siblings ever behaved like this.

I need advice please, not judgement

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 01/12/2022 17:33

Has he ever been able to explain why he does this?

Original poster
fdkc · 01/12/2022 18:06

TidyDancer · 01/12/2022 17:33

Has he ever been able to explain why he does this?

Says he hates scumbags and people mouthing to him and about his brother/sister. He says they call them names then he just abuses them. He also is small and wouldn't stand a chance against any of the boys he mouths at. He definitely doesn't care though and is not one bit afraid of any of them. When we tell him he needs to just ignore them he says he can't. We have told him it could backfire on us, the people he is mouthing at could burn out our cars/house or injure his dad but he just says "nah they are all mouths and wouldn't do a thing". Like there has to be something wrong with him. I feel sorry for my husband cause he's the one receiving the threatening phonecalls. I swear speaking to him is like talking to a brick wall.

OP posts:
PritiPatelsMaker · 03/12/2022 22:46

Sounds like he has compulsions that he can't control, a highly developed sense of right and wrong and a lack of a sense of self preservation. Has he ever been assessed for ASD/ADHD?

CourtneeLuv · 03/12/2022 22:49

fdkc · 01/12/2022 18:06

Says he hates scumbags and people mouthing to him and about his brother/sister. He says they call them names then he just abuses them. He also is small and wouldn't stand a chance against any of the boys he mouths at. He definitely doesn't care though and is not one bit afraid of any of them. When we tell him he needs to just ignore them he says he can't. We have told him it could backfire on us, the people he is mouthing at could burn out our cars/house or injure his dad but he just says "nah they are all mouths and wouldn't do a thing". Like there has to be something wrong with him. I feel sorry for my husband cause he's the one receiving the threatening phonecalls. I swear speaking to him is like talking to a brick wall.

Show quote history

Send him to live with a relative far, far away.

Original poster
fdkc · 04/12/2022 21:14

CourtneeLuv · 03/12/2022 22:49

Send him to live with a relative far, far away.

Show quote history

This is exactly what I would love to do if we had anybody to send him to but unfortunately we don't.

OP posts:
Original poster
fdkc · 04/12/2022 21:14

PritiPatelsMaker · 03/12/2022 22:46

Sounds like he has compulsions that he can't control, a highly developed sense of right and wrong and a lack of a sense of self preservation. Has he ever been assessed for ASD/ADHD?

Nope he's never been assessed for anything except for learning support in school which he gets.

OP posts:
lamaze1 · 04/12/2022 22:22

Is it worth attempting to explain that whilst he isn't worried about whether x, y or z will actually follow through with any threats, the fact is that you're all sick of dealing with the backlash (calls, additional hassle etc) that he is causing. Also that he is causing more harm than good?

Eleyne · 04/12/2022 22:55

I don't know if he needs to be assessed for any special needs, you can probably check with your GP.
Children at that age seem to take more risks than they should. He probably thinks he's safe and can never get in trouble.
Two things come to my mind in this situation, one is that it's some form of attention seeking. He's not accepted in any groups, has no friends, probably siblings are having a go at home too (which is totally natural even if they are lovely kids) - he needs to find his tribe.
Second is he's bored!!! Boredom at this age can lead teenagers into all kinds of problems. My suggestion would be to send him to self-defence lessons or sports that make him really tired and gives him a lot of satisfaction and a sense of accomplishment. I hope he finds his people or atleast his person.
It's not easy, but if you have posted a question here, it's obvious you are doing everything you can. Good luck to you and your family.

mumofblu · 05/12/2022 07:24

You say he has learning support , so he has learning disability?
Can you give phone but delete Snapchat so he can communicate on 1:1 . It sounds like he has difficulty with group chats and is bigging himself up to be accepted and it's backfiring . Are school aware ? Are police aware ? Social services ?

Original poster
fdkc · 05/12/2022 20:59

lamaze1 · 04/12/2022 22:22

Is it worth attempting to explain that whilst he isn't worried about whether x, y or z will actually follow through with any threats, the fact is that you're all sick of dealing with the backlash (calls, additional hassle etc) that he is causing. Also that he is causing more harm than good?

We've tried this, seems to be falling on deaf ears.

OP posts:
Original poster
fdkc · 05/12/2022 21:03

Eleyne · 04/12/2022 22:55

I don't know if he needs to be assessed for any special needs, you can probably check with your GP.
Children at that age seem to take more risks than they should. He probably thinks he's safe and can never get in trouble.
Two things come to my mind in this situation, one is that it's some form of attention seeking. He's not accepted in any groups, has no friends, probably siblings are having a go at home too (which is totally natural even if they are lovely kids) - he needs to find his tribe.
Second is he's bored!!! Boredom at this age can lead teenagers into all kinds of problems. My suggestion would be to send him to self-defence lessons or sports that make him really tired and gives him a lot of satisfaction and a sense of accomplishment. I hope he finds his people or atleast his person.
It's not easy, but if you have posted a question here, it's obvious you are doing everything you can. Good luck to you and your family.

Thank you. I think you are right, he doesn't fit in with any group and yes his siblings are sick of him so they are always having a go at him too for being the way he is. They say it reflects badly on them to their peers which it does. We are trying to convince him to get in to a martial arts class, he used to play football but gave it up 2 years ago as he wasn't good at it and was always left on the side line.

OP posts:
Janieread · 05/12/2022 21:04

It's a compulsive addiction, arguing with people online. I'm sorry you have to cope with this. I'd definitely take the phone away and he only gets it back of he can spend the next three months improving his school work and - this maybe cloud cuckoo land - taking up a physical hobby.

Original poster
fdkc · 05/12/2022 21:06

mumofblu · 05/12/2022 07:24

You say he has learning support , so he has learning disability?
Can you give phone but delete Snapchat so he can communicate on 1:1 . It sounds like he has difficulty with group chats and is bigging himself up to be accepted and it's backfiring . Are school aware ? Are police aware ? Social services ?

Yes he is definitely bigging himself up behind a screen and it is backfiring. Unfortunately we are the ones to suffer, he doesn't seem to care about the backlash. He was assessed and gets learning support and is exempt from doing languages. I don't know if that means he has a learning disability, they school never actually said they just said he scored this much and that means he's below average so qualifies for support and doesn't have to study languages.

No school, police or social services are not aware

OP posts:
PritiPatelsMaker · 05/12/2022 22:09

No school, police or social services are not aware

I would definitely talk to the school.

Eleyne · 05/12/2022 22:46

To be honest, my heart breaks for him. I hope you find something he enjoys (he does not need to be good at anything) he needs to just get by. I have a teenager and taking the phone away backfired big time as his friends gave him a backup phone. They are all good kids so it wasn't a worry, but I didn't like it that he started going behind my back and I was kind of responsible for taking us down that road. Not to mention he was grumpy with me for days.
You can try settling time boundaries. No phone between 8:00 pm until he leaves home for school in the morning? While he's without his phone, try to spend time with him. Watch TV together, chat, go for a long walk (I know you probably don't have the time every evening, maybe you can share with dad) - it seems like such hard work but it will work in a week or two. He just needs to be distracted (from his phone) for a few hours a day. You need to help him break the pattern.
I promise you it's not easy and you'll need loads of patience, but at this age he can be helped. It will be a lot harder when he's 18. Keep us posted

CourtneeLuv · 05/12/2022 23:04

Janieread · 05/12/2022 21:04

It's a compulsive addiction, arguing with people online. I'm sorry you have to cope with this. I'd definitely take the phone away and he only gets it back of he can spend the next three months improving his school work and - this maybe cloud cuckoo land - taking up a physical hobby.

Introduce him to MN.

ScatteredMama82 · 19/12/2022 14:34

fdkc · 01/12/2022 17:30

Hey all, we have a 16 year old DS and he is constant fighting and arguing with people online, it has now started to directly affect us and our other children (twin DS 16 and DD 18). My dh has gotten a threatening phonecall from a local drug dealer saying he'll put a bullet in his head if our ds doesn't stop mouthing about him and mouthing to his sons. Our son has always been a mouthpiece, he can't get on with people and thinks he's a hard lad, always calling people out to fight and abusing them on Snapchat. We have removed his phone many times, sometimes months long but when we eventually return it he starts again after a while. Now I'm not saying he starts all this and sometimes he's just retaliating with boys abusing him first. But he can never just ignore and move on, he always has to have a go. He is extremely disliked and unpopular, has no real friends and his twin brother is now getting threats off people and his older sister is also getting abuse for being related to him. What can we do, where can we go from here? Obviously his phone is gone again but we are at our witts end with him, we are wondering if there is something mentally wrong with him. He is below average in school aswell, always has been but he never seen this behaviour growing up. Myself and his dad are normal, working class people, work full time and are comfortable. He always had what he needed and wanted and both our families are normal and none of our siblings ever behaved like this.

I need advice please, not judgement

OP sorry to be blunt, but you have another thread on the go just now describing how your husband hammered you round the head with the TV remote in front your 4 year old last night, and screamed at you and it's not the first time. Does it cross your mind that this behaviour might have an impact on your DS??

PritiPatelsMaker · 19/12/2022 16:18

  • Janieread It's a compulsive addiction, arguing with people online. I'm sorry you have to cope with this. I'd definitely take the phone away and he only gets it back of he can spend the next three months improving his school work and - this maybe cloud cuckoo land - taking up a physical hobby.

Introduce him to MN.

I've just nearly spat my tea out BrewGrin

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