Partner's 12 year old Daughter

[Jayne700]

Hi All,
Sorry if this has been covered before but only recently joined.
I have been in a relationship with a really nice guy for about 2 years - we both have our own places but are thinking of moving in together in the New Year
He lives with his 12 year old daughter and the idea is for me to move in with them - she hardly ever sees her mum and I feel I could be very helpful to her over the next few years - we all know how difficult these teenage years are !
Understandably she was quite hostile to me at first although I've tried my best - my partner says that she seems pretty normal and balanced in all other aspects - although things are improving slowly
Any ideas as to how to manage this ? - we are in no rush to move in together but it would be nice - perhaps we should leave it longer ?

Thanks xx

Quite honestly, you would have to be insane to do this! You won't be living in your own home and you will be living with someone who doesn't want you there. Why would you do that? His daughter should be respected. Her home is her home and she clearly doesn't want her dad's partner living there.

I’m not sure a 12 year old should get to dictate who lives in her fathers home as Pp said. Be patient, open, honest & see it from her point of view. Hope it all works out for you

Teenagers are a real pain and I do agree
that it will be a slow work to turn this round. I would leave it for a bit, don’t move in, just be friendly to her but not over friendly; respectful as you should be to anyone new you met. and above all don’t try to be surrogate mum. She will not respond well.

Give it more time.

Absolutely leave it longer, the longer the better all round.

perhaps we should leave it longer ?

100%. As long as possible!

Moving into the home of a hostile 12yar old girl doesn't sound like fun to me. If you truly want to support her you can do this better with some distance.

Girly chats in your pyjamas with facemasks will be outweighed by huffing, door slamming and silent treatment, it's not at all romantic!

I would consider the impact on your relationship with your DP if you move in together while the DD is still hostile. Unfortunately as I am sure you are aware, he has to put her first, but you don’t and you deserve to live in a home without someone who resents you. Can you consider a family counsellor to help you find a good way to keep developing as a hybrid family without setting up a target or battle about living arrangements?

Leaving it a bit longer sounds sensible for everyone. It won’t be any fun for you moving in with a hostile 12yo and it will be rotten for her as well. You sound lovely, btw xx

Does she have an inkling you are discussing moving in? She may realise that being hostile is going to keep you at bay and get worse in order to try and prove the point.

Do you do overnight stays at DPs at the moment? If so how long has that been going on for?

Also has she been over to your place much? Perhaps you could start doing a weekly dinner at your house; it would familiarise her with how you live, and what you're like when you are in "normal mode".

If she’s resistant to it, don’t do it. You’d be better off waiting until she’s left for university.

If her DM is off the scene then he is her only parent - she won't want anyone muscling in on the attention he gives her or having sex with him in the next room (trying to see it from a 12 year olds perspective)

Do not move in with him! I have two teen DDS and it is not easy. Keep your own space x

What does she think about you moving in?
Is there any consideration of a baby? That would be very difficult for her, understandably.

His first responsibility is to his child. That will be hard for a new woman moving into their territory. A twelve year old is still very young and still needs full parental attention and involvement. Hostility is unlikely to lessen.

My 12 year categorically, 100% would get to have equal say on who moves in to her home.

I couldn’t think of anything worse - as a 12 year old - than to have a stranger move into my home.

12 year olds are people too, and their feelings deserve consideration.

Leave it, OP. You can have a relationship with someone without living with them and disrupting the lives of people who have, it seems, no choice in the matter.

Not all kids go to uni you know.
OP have you considered including the child in the decision as to whether you should move in or not? She will probably take more kindly/come round to the idea if you let her think she’s getting a say.

I feel I could be very helpful to her over the next few years - we all know how difficult these teenage years are !

Now this is super weird. Why would you want to do that?

The most ‘helpful’ thing you can do - if your intent genuinely is to be helpful - is to let her keep her home as her own sanctuary.

You can still help her navigate her teen years without living in.

OP i would wait. Also, it usually works out better setting up a new home together.
If you move into their shared space, you will always be the imposter.
Continue as you are and as pp have said, maybe include her in conversations about living together.
I dont agree that 12 year olds should be able to call the shots, but they usually do with their moods and you will be the brunt of them most likely.

Why does she hardly ever see her Mum? What is the story there?

It’s not about her ‘calling the shots’ or ‘dictating’.

It’s about her having a say, having a voice - and having that voice genuinely listened to. So if she were to say, ‘I really don’t want this’, then that should be taken into account.

That’s not ‘calling the shots’, in my world.

Hi,
Thanks for all the advice - very sensible
I agree that it is too soon - the OH and I have talked yesterday and are perfectly happy as we are and have decided to keep it that way
We are very mindful of the effect on his daughter and are just going to try and build a relationship between the 3 of us slowly
To answer some of the questions
Natural mum is fine and very loving towards her daughter - it's just she had to move away with her new partner due to work
I do not wish to be a surrogate mum to her -- just thought it would be nice for her to have another female around to help with buying bras and when she starts menstruation - that sort of thing
We never have sex with the daughter around - this is not a problem - and we don't do overnights at his or mine unless she is away

Thanks again x

Having another adult in the house means new set of rules and another parent figure nagging and telling what to do. What 12yo would possible want that?