Ds13 is bullying someone - how to tackle

[babyunderblanket]

If you found out your son had been bullying someone at school, how would you approach it and how would you tackle it? It's lots of 'low level' but obviously nasty picking on a poor kid who isn't part of the cool crowd. They are no doubt doing it for the laughs /attention but clearly not considering the affect they are having on this poor kid & I want to address this urgently both at home and working with school.
I'm not confident in my parenting decisions and want to make sure he doesn't just brush it off as banter, say it wasn't just me etc. This boy has been feigning illness to avoid being at school, crying - he's so upset so this needs stopping NOW

I'm gutted - ds always used to be kind hearted and I'd never have thought he could be so cruel

Anyone?

I would have a zero tolerance approach to this. A poor child is suffering here. I would remove all privileges and my son would also have to think of a decent way to make amends with the boy at school.

I'm so sorry, this must be really difficult for you. 😔

Is it all being carried out face to face, or online, social media etc ?

I’d go zero tolerance too, say how disappointed you are in him, that he has been cruel, he’s grounded for however long he’s been mistreating this kid, letter of apology to the boy and his parents, and every time he says it’s just banter or it wasn’t just him add another week to the grounding.

presumably school have told you about this, so everything you do at home is in addition to whatever measures they think are appropriate in school.

I sound harsh I know, but he needs to understand that this is hurting the boy now and could affect his whole life; hopefully having previously been kindhearted he will quickly realise how wrong he has been and try to make amends.

Courage @babyunderblanket you are doing a good thing here, the school and the boy and his parents will all be grateful that you are dealing with it seriously.

My approach would be decisive,
take away all screens for a month, stop all playdates, and friend outings, essentially ground him. At the weekend l would sit and watch programmes on the effects of bullying with him and really drive home the effects of his behaviour, l would then go online and read with him all about the long term effects of bullying. I would explain that he was not allowed to see his friends as he needed to know how horrible it was to be left out, and miss out, just like the boy he was bullying.Then l would make him do extra homework all weekend.
l would expect a letter of apology to the boy he has been bullying to be delivered on the Monday.

You may say extreme but this is a lesson that needs to be thoroughly learnt.

My friendly happy DS was bullied to a point of not wanting to live at the age of 9, eventually he had to leave the school and teachers he loved and where he had some good friends, just to get away from two nasty boys who would not leave him alone.
We sacrificed our annual holiday to pay for a summer of intense counselling as we were so scared about his state of mind.

Stop your sons behaviour now, it may seem low level to you but you have no idea of the impact on the poor child being bullied.
This is not the time to be hesitant in your parenting.

However well done for not brushing it under the carpet and thinking your boy is an angel.

Why are you not confident parenting? That’s probably a good place to start

Just ask him how he’d feel if someone did those things to him? Surely he wouldn’t like it. He can display empathy, and realise it’s bad. You can add in some stats and other info if you want to.
Then Ask him/ figure out why he’s doing it and how he’s going to stop (and what he’ll do when his friends continue, he is still a kid and needs guidance on managing difficult social situations to handle them correctly)

and then you punish him, with a threat of more severe punishment if you get wind of anything else

it’s of no relevance at all if he says it’s just banter or that he’s not the only one doing it, so you don’t need to worry about him saying that

You punish him e.g. not see the other group members, you inform the other parents of the kids doing this and you go to the school.
You get your son to apologise.
You speak to the victims parents.
I was badly bullied at school and it has stuck with me for life. I wanted to end my life at 13 because of "low level bullying".
You're a very good person for wanting to deal with this. But please don't let him get away with it.

I’m sorry you are going through this, it’s every parent’s nightmare.

If my children have done something good or bad I don’t hide away from it, I inform their aunts, uncles and grandparents too. This culture of accountability is important.

I would be cancelling any social plans he has between now and Christmas and removing all technology. At his age I would be looking for reading material relating to bullying and I would wholeheartedly expect him to apologise to the child he is bullying and his parents.

Be clear that he is being punished and that you want your good wholesome boy back. When the punishment ends it’s over, tell him it’s his time to gain back not only your trust but the trust and respect of others too.

I would come down REALLY hard on him. He is 13, he KNOWS it is wrong. Bullying can literally be life changing, do NOT go easy on him and be confident enough in your parenting to punish him severely for making another child's life a fucking misery.

OP my son was the kid your son is bullying. Low level, but constant cruel relentless jibes and bullying that always made sure he (my DS) knew he was less important less worthy less cool than any of them.

-silent treatment in form time or lessons even when they were meant to be working together to get projects done

taking his belongings and throwing them about or hiding them and then denying it even when DS was in trouble for not having homework or sports kit etc

pouring salt on his lunch daily

knocking his drinks over

following him around the school and playground every break even though he was alone and upset- if he confronted them they would look shocked and accuse him on picking on them then snigger and follow him again

making up lies and spreading them about that DS had wet himself/spiked himself/ smelt/etc etc

writing loser where his name should be on all his books

This is only some of it but you get the drift.

it went on for over two years and it was horrific and changed his life for the worse forever . He won’t ever forget those years and will always be scarred by the experience.

Thank you for taking it seriously and for being honest about what your DS has being doing. You will let him know what he has done I’m sure. Hope the other boy is ok.

You need to come down hard and fast.

Put a lot of the effort on him understanding the consequences of his actions and making it as right as possible.

I would remove absolutely all of his devices and any "extras" and he would be grounded hard and fast.

My child was bullied. They tried to kill themselves. Even after - For a long time they had a plan of how they would do it.

At least you're honest, OP

My DB’s life was made hell by school bullies and it is a type of behaviour I particularly despise. When I found DD was being unkind/low levelling bullying someone , I marched her round to their house and made her apologise to the child and their parents. Sanctions were put in place and I made it clear that I had 0 tolerance for her behaviour- particularly disappointing as she had been bullied at primary school and knew the misery it caused. We had several robust conversations about the impact of bullying. In her defence her DF and I were divorcing, but still no excuse. It knocked her poor behaviour on the head and I am pleased to say she is a caring and kind adult.

Thank you for all your messages. Lots of tears and discussion but DS was truly horrified at being called a bully & knowing how miserable his actions have made someone so at least he was remorseful rather than dismissive or defensive! Lots to learn and understand for us and him (& his siblings as clearly the in-house banter enjoyed by 3 teenagers is filtering outside but without the love/security of family)

He sat down with the lad and they had a proper chat including an apology acknowledging how awful he's been along with an assurance that he will not only stop teasing him, but also step in if he seems any of his classmates carrying on. He's lost his phone and won't be going out socialising anytime soon and we're waiting to hear what actions school will be taking.

Op I am so glad and again well done for taking responsibility and nipping it in the bud...so many parents refuse to believe their little flower could bully someone and won't take action and then it continues.

I am so glad you are not one of them and well done your Ds.

Lots of tears and discussion but DS was truly horrified at being called a bully & knowing how miserable his actions have made someone so at least he was remorseful rather than dismissive or defensive!

This is quite a common response ime. Teenagers are notorious for only thinking of themselves and when it is pointed out how they're affecting others it can prompt a huge change in behaviour.

The danger of bullying is massively increased when parents (or staff for that matter) try to minimise the behaviour and fail to hold the perpetrator responsible for their actions. Well done for handling it so directly.

We'll done OP. Good parenting 👍
Your DS sounds like a decent kid underneath and hopefully this is the end of it.

Well done@babyunderblanket , excellent mumming! I’m sure once he’s got through the immediate stress of having to take responsibility he’ll be grateful that you were so firm, he’ll be a better chap for it xx

Super job OP, I think it's always about so much more than just punishing bad behaviour. It's about trying to get them to put themselves in the other person's shoes and understand that while they might feel it is 'just a laugh' it can cause so much damage and be so hurtful to the person being subjected to it. It's about trying to develop empathy so much more than it is about punishing.

Personally I think him realising he has done wrong, speaking to the boy and apologising, educating himself (by watching some videos on bullying perhaps) is a thousand times more important that losing his phone or not being allowed to socialise. I wouldn't punish him for too long if he really has changed for the better - let him get out there and prove it instead.

Well done for standing firm op, hopefully this will be the wake up call he needs.