DD 14 disengaged from school, help please!

[Terrariatime]

My DD was badly bullied the first two yrs of high school. She's always been a good kid, no issues at all and she trooped on through all this, going to school and doing the best she could although barely able to concentrate. The bullying has died down and she has a few friends. The problem being she's developed social anxiety, refuses to go to most classes and her attitude towards me is disgusting at times. I know between covid and the bullying this really isn't her fault but I just need tips to get her to engage in school again. Punishments like removing her phone etc don't help, she'll happily sit in her room isolated. Being supportive and trusting her to go when she asks for autonomy doesn't work, school interventions don't work. Has anyone got through this before that can advise? Guidance teachers are trying but she won't talk to them either really or engage with school counselor. I'm out of ideas!

Yeah it's that easy, congratulations on your position as the perfect parent 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

To add we very much banged on doors, called and met with the school constantly, approached parents etc as much as possible whilst following my daughters wishes on how she wanted the bullying handled. She was happy to continue to go to school at the time and try to resolve it since she had a social circle that she wanted to keep. As a single parent with a full time job and two children to consider and no other schools within a feasible distance, 'just moving her' was impossible. You can't control everything in life unfortunately but I'm delighted for anyone who has infinite choice in the decisions they make for their children.

The kids bullying your kids must have been far easier to handle than these ones then, they were terrorizing the teachers as much as the children. It was not for want of anyone trying that it went on so long.

Her school probably wont feel like a safe place to her now and the staff won't feel like people she could trust. Don't underestimate what she's been though because I doubt her feelings about the school are going to change.

Sorry to hear this. It is hard for you and your de. I have had trouble with my dd not engaging in school due to issues that I'll not go into here. The school have been fantastic at trying to engage her in learning outside of the classroom, whether that is in the library, learning support or at home. At first I was really unhappy about it as I thought the best thing would be for her to be in regular lessons but her teachers have been really positive about the work she is now doing. I have spent some time on this website notfineinschool.co.uk and attended one of the webinars they put on and it really helped me look at things differently, in terms that not all children will thrive in a classroom environment. I think this has taken some pressure off us all and we are all a bit happier about the situation.

Oh, and key symptoms of PTSD are anger and avoidance. Exactly what OPs DD is exhibiting.

Agree with @MolesOnPoles

Op, I hope you feel able to return to this thread- this is usually a very supportive, helpful area of mumsnet- don't let one arsehole deter you!!

It is not always east to move schools. And you can also worry that the problem will move with your child. You can only do your best and you have my sympathy.

@Onnabugeisha Unless you have a time machine I don't understand why you are dragging up the past?

The OP needs ideas for the here and now. She can't change the past.

OP - is a fresh start at a new school a possibility?

Is she able to explain why she is behaving the way she is?

Take her to private therapy. It's been revolutionary for me.

I was badly bullied at school during my parents divorce and my parents were so aggravated over it they didn't pay much attention to me.

Get her to see a therapist so she can talk through things with someone she can trust to say nothing to no one. They're great.