What would you do?

[Blendiful]

DD is 16.5

She is at college and has a job at weekends. All sounds good in theory. But, she's often late for college, and a few times now has not been bothered to go to work and constantly moans about the job.

She often gets lifts to and from work, and has a foul attitude all the way there/back. It's not an awful job, it's actually very good hours and whilst busy, would have been a dream for me as a teen.

I feel like she's had life very easy, never wanted for anything, been run round after, had money spent on her, hobbies etc.

The main problem is her phone, she's obsessed with it, on it all hours, doesn't go to sleep, can't regulate. Is busy on that instead of being prepared etc. she is lying about things she says she's done but hasn't. Just generally has no clue about how the world works.

She's had her phone confiscated again today for lying again. And I've now put into place some rules she needs to stick to. Nothing unreasonable, be on time, wake up reasonable time on days off (mainly cause we WFH, so can't have her banging round any times she pleases for food etc), keep her own room tidy, and help a bit at home. Basics really.

I feel she really needs a reality check and some consequences now, I've tried encouraging, being nice etc and it's having 0 effect.

How would you guys handle it?

She is at risk of losing the job if she doesn't get out of this mood, also of being kicked off her course if she misses classes she needs to pass. It's not an option to lay around in bed all day.

She needs more of a social life and also to be more polite, speak to people and be a bit responsible.

I sympathise entirely but I think you taking her phone off her at 16.5 is not the right approach. She's too old. I think I'd let her face the consequences of her disorganisation, don't pick up the pieces for her. Try to encourage her away from her phone by providing alternatives? Get her out for a walk on the promise of a coffee abs cake.

Have done all of the above, left her to her own devices to learn, but unfortunately she isn't learning at all.

And I can no longer just do nothing as I feel I would be being neglectful knowing she's compromising her health both mental and physical now.

Often do encourage her away, but unless she doesn't have it, nothing seems to do it.

I'm with CatByDay, you don't take a phone away from a Year 12 teenager. All of those things you say are treating your teenager like a younger child. The key to a good relationship with an older teen is to trust them with more independence. Reducing independence by taking away their liberty will achieve nothing but resentment and arguments at this age.

Some of the things you describe need you to take the reality check. For example teens stay in bed all day. Such ever it was, teens have been slobbing around in bed till gone noon for decades. Likewise needing constant phone access, there's nothing unusual about this in teenagers. Don't paint your child as terrible for doing this.

Some of the things you describe sound like long standing issues. The fact that you weren't dealing with the overnight phone use, lack of work ethic etc years ago is in fact on you. Suddenly expecting a massive change in outcome after years of parenting developing those habits is unfair on your teen.

That said, you can help your child turn this around. Being draconian is highly unlikely to be successful though, given the teens age.

Sounds like she's not mature enough to keep her job without your support to help her. So either stop supporting her and accept that the natural consequence that she'll lose the job. Or accept you need to support her and help her get up, get organised, get to work on time etc without complaint so that she's able to work. Personally I'd accept she's not got that level of maturity yet and allow her to realise if she's late all the time (or whatever) she'll get no shifts. You decide for your child.

Regarding college work, overnight phone use, being rude to you - once they are college age you enter the relmes of needing to compromise and negotiate with your child, not confiscate stuff and dictate rules. You need to have a positive relationship with your teen door discussions to work. For example, you expect her:

• To get up on time. Does she want to get up for college/work? If she doesnt, shes almost certainly doing the wrong college course. Those that do well in post16 education usually do so because they want to be there. If she does want yo be there, it should be her plan to make that happen. You just need to ask how you can help.
• To get up at a reasonable time. Why should she? Her making food should not be affecting your working day in thr way you suggest.
• to keep her room tidy. She isnt 8. Her room is her space. If it bothers you, you tidy it
• to do chore around the house. Reasonable, assuming she gets something out of it. If she loses her job, making pocket money depend on chores is reasonable. If she's not being paid, then she needs to see what she gets out of doing the jobs. Do x and I will give you lifts to Y. You need to stick to your guns though. If she doesn't do the chore, no lift. If you want the new jeans, you need to do the ironing. Etc etc.

You mention her always having what she wants. That in itself is a problem. What motivates her to work if she knows that when she doesn't work she still gets all the clothes she wants, all thr bus fare she wants, all the activities she wants etc? The motivation to work for everyone (aside from the very wealthy) is borne from the need to earn money. If she doesn't have a need, what's the point of the hassle?