Just found out that my teen has been drinking

[notnowB]

She's 16, so not the end of the world to be starting at this age I suppose
She moved school about a year ago, after being miserable, lonely and anxious at her old school. The change has been a lot better than expected. She now has made several good friends and the school-based anxiety has gone.
The kids in her class often have parties, which are pretty inclusive. She has been welcomed from the start. Even former classmates who have since moved to other schools come along!
When my daughter first started to go, she told me that the others drink. She told me it was her choice not to, as she didn't feel comfortable with it (particularly with her anxiety) and I obviously supported her in this.
Last night, her younger sister confided in me that she has started drinking at the parties. I don't suppose it's a massive shock, as she'll want to fit in, but I'm not sure where to go with this. She's a pain in the arse in some ways, as most 16 year old girls are sometimes, but has always been super sensible.
I don't want to ban her from the parties, as she is at last enjoying a good social life. I'm not even sure it's realistic to stop her from drinking completely. But I am worried and want her to have her head screwed on over this.
How should I handle it? She has apparently sent her younger sister (13) photos of her drinking and vaping, so that should be a hard no from the start.
I know I sound stupid and naive, but I wish my daughter felt she could talk to me about this. I'm not a total dragon.
Thanks.

You talk to her

I have dd 16 and they all pretty much drink at parties

We talked about what to drink, different strengths, units etc.
How it can make you feel/behave

Gave her a couple of drinks at home, safe with family to see how she coped

Talked about watching each other's drinks, helping friends if sick - practicalities of always having hair bobbles and wipes
Reminder that people can and will take pictures and videos

She knows she can always call us if she or a friend is in difficulty
She has to have a lift home/back to friends or if it's a short walk, be in a mixed group of at least 4

Vaping on the other hand is a hard no - none of her friends are into that thankfully (although a few of ds's 14 yo friends are - he hates it though)

Thank you. That all sounds good and fair to me. That's the road I would have gone down, pretty much, but sometimes the validation is good for a single parent like me.

My ds is 16 too. Does she come home after these parties or go to a friends? Is she drunk or does she have one drink to fit in but exaggerates this? I can tell when my Ds has had a drink as he's chatty.
Have a chat but dont make it bad thing. It's going to happen so make it an open discussion. Set some expectations of behaviour and make sure they are getting home safely.
My Ds has had one bad night so he knows the consequence of too much but we've also told him he's only 16 so don't expect it again. So far so good.

She tends to stay over with a friend.

Sounds fine and normal for 16, unless she is getting really, really pissed.

And this is now worrying me too, as I don't get to see what she's like afterwards.
This is all new to me, as I only found out about the drinking last night.

It sounds like you have a good relationship and she’s a sensible lass. I would tell her that these are her choices to make and you trust her, make sure she knows how to keep herself safe, but be clear that sending photos to her sibling isn’t on as she is too young.

Thanks everyone, this is brilliant. So glad I posted now!

Shit, I've just had a thought. I can't tell her about the photos without totally landing my youngest in it.

I have a 17yo DS, he's a sensible boy but he's started drinking at parties in the last few months so I think this is normal. I also used to drink at parties at this age. Agree with having the chat about sensible drinking rather than no drinking and knowing to watch out for her friends and call you if anything goes wrong.

Don't tell her about the photos, just say that you know she's said she's not drinking but she'll probably start at some point and here are some things you'd like to say.

You coukd say you were checking other dd phone and saw them?

Introduce a generalized conversation about teen drinking. Try to get her to open up about it. Please don't tell her you know because her sister told you. She will never trust her sister again even though her sister was probably concerned about her and felt uncomfortable having this information when you didn't. It's a lot for a thirteen year old to keep to herself given she will be aware from stories at school or maybe from her sister what can happen at teen parties

Don't tell her about the photos, just say that you know she's said she's not drinking but she'll probably start at some point and here are some things you'd like to say

^^This

I'd also talk to her about contraception, especially if she's it coming home after the parties.

It sounds like you need a very open conversation about drink, and I hate to mention it, drugs too

The parties will have drugs. Of some description.

My philosophy has always been to talk about everything as openly as is humanly possible. And my aim has always been to get them to decide what their position is, their true inside position, on drinks, drugs, smoking, vaping, before they go to parties. With that becomes the jeopardy that you might not agree with them, but at least you know.

Ds2 for example is a hard no on vaping and weed but will drink, but doesn’t want blackout, so max 5-6 drinks. He does mostly keep to this although I know he had mdma at a festival last year. Not great, but he knows and has talked about that it’s not ideal (wipeout for 4 days with awful existential angst) so we’ve talked about it, and he’s forming a view on what that would look like in his life. I don’t like that for obvious reasons, but I’d rather know and talk with him about and help him form a view.

Overall though, for me, the peer pressure and impulsiveness at a party is so high, I want them to know their position before being swept up in all the excitement and yolo

Thanks everyone. I would never land my 13 year old in it. She'd never trust me again and it would cause WW3 between the girls.
Good idea to make it a generalised chat.

I think it's fine. She's much better openly drinking at parties with friends and presumably adults about than sneaking it in a cold park. I know a boy who did that and ended up with only one of the group being responsible enough to wait and call an ambulance.. they literally had to remove him from a ditch.. his parents had completely banned alcohol and were telling adults this when they dropped him off.for parties .. but he wanted to fit in..

Also in a couple of years she will potentially go to university or similar and much better she's learnt to drink responsibly than start necking it during freshers week!

My dd is about 5he same age. It's very hard letting go, you have my sympathy

Maybe take her out for a nice coffee and cake and say you're so happy she's settling in so well at her new school, but as she's growing up and going to parties there are a few things you'd like to chat about. Say you know this is probably embarrassing for her but it's your job as her mum!

It’s nice that she is happier and fitting in, a lot of these actions are normal rites of teenage passage, but do keep an eye on it. Keep the dialogue open. My DD is 15 and the parties have started this year. Parents messaged to ask if a few ciders/cans of cocktails were ok and we all said it was. I explained why spirits are a bad things as many kids do try and smuggle in vodka for everyone to have a chug of. Talk about knowing her limits, dangers when vulnerable, sticking together, and definitely videos and photos that can haunt people for a long time. I also offer to pick her up from parties before midnight and only let her sleepover if I know the parent.

The vaping is a difficult one as it’s bloody endemic with teens at the minute and the Head of our local school did an assembly about it as they’re clearly aimed and marketed at kids!

I talked about drinking with all 3 of mine, and there was beer and cider available in our house from around 15 onwards (small amounts and they had to ask!).
ive encouraged them to avoid spirits, to remember that it takes half an hour for the alcohol to ‘catch up’ so alternate with soft drinks, and to stop before they feel really pissed.
we also have a safe word in our family so they can call and get picked up whilst avoiding any peer pressure to stay over etc.
they have all had their moments (mainly puking lots and feeling sorry for themselves) but nothing worse thankfully.

Pretty normal round these parts (london). The things that worried at that age were a) spirits and b) drugs such as ketamine which are readily available, cheap and often at parties of even young kids. Bloody terrifying.

We had a party for ours at that age and allowed beer but not spirits, with the warning that if we found any spirits the whole party was closed down , for everyone. Worked a treat and they were drinking tea a few hours in 😂😂😂😂

DS and DD (twins) recently turned 15. Started going to parties around halfway through year 9. Mostly at friends' houses and couple of slightly larger ones at other children from their year's houses. We'd already talked about drinking before, they'd both started drinking at around 13 at home/on holiday and I trust them to be sensible. Most Saturday nights this year have been spent at parties with people from school and old friends from prep. I know they both drink and also recently found out they've been vaping as well. For me I can trust them both, they always tell us where they are, and they have a curfew of 11.30 unless we've agreed that they'll be staying at a friend's house. They're usually at the same parties and look out for each other. DD tends to get drunk more often than DS who is more sensible and protective over her. As for the vaping, I've told them that they are not allowed to do it in my house but as for outside there isn't really much you can do to stop them. Some of the best memories I have are from parties in secondary school, so I say let them do it as long as they are sensible.

We had a really good chat on her return home earlier today. The points you all raised were extremely helpful. Thank you once again

Both our DDs drank from 14/15 at parties etc. And had a couple of very drunken parties but always rang if they gone to far.

both 20 / 21 now and at uni neither really drinks anymore.