Need help managing 16yo DS

[Moopster]

Started typing a long post that would bore you so will cut to the point!

DS (16) seems to think that because he works Friday & Saturday evenings in a local restaurant and goes to college, he should be able to come and go as he pleases without letting me know where he is or when he might be back and not help out around the house (I'm talking hoovering his room once a week, washing up after dinner occasionally, sorting the laundry basket) .

We had a blazing row last night after a request for money was rejected (he hasn't been paid yet - job is new!) & he stormed out to his friends and said that he will go and live with his Dad as he hates me. (Dad is a Disney Dad & doesn't want him more than every other weekend). Have agreed with Dad that DS can stay there for a few days to give us space but how do I deal with a DS that has no respect for me?

I have agreed with Dad that we will sit down with DS and set house rules that will apply at both houses which might help but DS was so full of hate last night I am heart broken at the thought he won't come back. I do need to deal with the behaviour as I am at breaking point mentally and his brother is starting to be affected.

I remember being a teenager and thinking that my needs were the most important thing in the world so I do understand where he is coming from but there is literally no reasoning with him. If you say no to him, you get world war 3. Yes, we probably have over indulged him so he is a bit spoiled.

Help me define some house rules that I can agree with him that recognises his need for independence but also means I know whether to cook for him, when he is coming home etc.

My DC is at sixth form, does not have a part time job yet but is looking. He has a certain amount of pre-agreed chores to do every week and once they are done, he does tend to please himself and come and go as he wishes. He knows to let me know if he won't be home for tea and the general rule is no stay outs / late nights on a school night. I always know where he is which helps some.

He has a white board in the utility room with his chores on that he needs to complete.

The assumption is that you are around for dinner and you need to text before 6pm if you won't be.

My ds 15 is like this, we have had some blazing rows and he can't be reasoned with either at times! He's just started a job and said to me I can't tell him off anymore or tell him what to do as it won't work! He's 15 3rd child didn't have his with either of the others.

I don't think there's one thing that can "solve" this issue. It'll be an ongoing process for the next few years- of give and take, and working on your relationship as he changes into an adult.
i'd let him stay at his dad's for longer than normal... especially if you are concerned about younger siblings. And it's brilliant that you and his dad can work together on some common rules- I think that will be hugely important.
Things are changing. Your boy is growing up and if you can manage a different approach it will pay dividends. I cook for my teenage DSs. If they're not there when it's ready, then they heat it up themselves later- or anyone who wants leftovers the next day gets it.

@CarrieOnStop - how do you get him to do chores? DS flat out refuses as he works - I pointed out that I too work full time and his response was 'your house'.

@Ventimiglia - do you know where your DS's are & when they will get back? I don't need to know the exact details but expecting a quick text to say 'I'm hanging out in town with friends and will be home by 8' is apparently controlling behaviour 🙄

I just want him to communicate with me & help a little. As it is, his brother will wash up after breakfast and complain that he does ALL the chores. DS might be going off to Uni in less than 2 years and will get a shock when he has to do all the chores...

I have a job that is super stressful at the moment and I don't want to get home and be worrying about where DS is, if/when he might be home or blazing rows.

Any ideas on how I get him to communicate without seeming like I am being a dictator?

By and large they DO let me know their plans... so admittedly it is just occasionally- maybe once a week- one of them will not turn up as expected. But I just make the dinner, eat mine withwhoever is at home, and leave the leftovers for the absent one to sort out for themselves. They're often eaten cold, late at night....
I used to worry so much about my elder son being out at night when he was 16/17. But I made my peace with it and had to trust him to stay safe. He used to text me when he got home though. I kept my phone on silent so it didn't wake me but if i woke up worrying in the night, i could just check my phone and see if he was home. So- a bit of give and take: I could give him the freedom and independence to go out ... and in return he did me the courtesy of a short text when he was home safe.

If he thinks that chores are beneath him then stop doing his laundry, if he leaves messes out in common areas put them back in his room (ideally on his bed), and tell him there’s toast for dinner if he comes home late. If he wants to live like a student who’s already at university then he can be treated like one.

He does his chores or gets no spending money(this is massive to him with him not working), wifi off in house. I would also remove any other privileges such as friends/girlfriend round and curb going out as much as you can with a 16 year old.