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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Help, I don’t know if my son needs help or not.

31 replies

LucyLiz22 · 21/11/2022 21:07

I’m a mum of a 13yr old and I just don’t know if he is normal or not? He’s such a strange boy and I don’t know if it’s because of something I’ve done, or if he needs help.
‘He’s so overly emotional, he cries if he doesn’t get his own way, he lashes out and gets angry a lot. Hitting objects and breaking things. Just this moment (what triggered me to ask for help) me and his dad are laid in bed, he’s on his Xbox in his room and a really loud banging comes from outside our room. Sounds like someone is hammering on the front door; but it’s coming from the sons room. I’ve gone in to ask what the bang was, he’s punched his desk several times. I asked him why and he does know. Asked him if he was angry or frustrated, he says no, I asked him over and over why he was banging on his furniture so hard and he just says ‘I don’t know’. I’ve told him that I need to know why he’s punching things or he’s coming off his Xbox and he’s started to cry. I just don’t know what to say. Why does someone sit in the room punching things for no reason. He does it a lot. He torments his sister a lot, he acts really childish, like he’s 5 not 13. He always steals his sisters things but refuses to even let her in his room. He steals food and tries to hide it. He’s stolen money and lied about it. He lies all the time. And every time I ask him why, he doesn’t know. He never seems to do as he’s told. Simple tasks to him he just can’t seem to stick with. He has 2 rules in this house, keep your room tidy and make your bed. He does neither. He doesn’t shower, he doesn’t brush his teeth. He’s just so difficult and I do t know if Is this something I need to be concerned about, because right now, I am. There seems to be something not right to me. But I don’t have anything else to go on. Someone please help. Because I feel like this is getting worse.

OP posts:
dolor · 21/11/2022 21:13

ADHD and hormones.

(Before anyone shouts at me, I have ADHD, so does my brother, and this was him to a T as a teenager).

HeBeaverandSheBeaver · 21/11/2022 21:14

He is likely having testosterone surges and can't control his impulse exacerbated by Xbox use.

Have you noticed any changes. Skin/ smell /hair growth /has he shot up in height .

Me so. Was a but emotional about the same age now he is into his puberty he isn't as angry unless he is really hungry.

He also didnt wash much or care. He is getting a bit better now

Talk to him when he is calm. Maybe in a car journey so he can't get away and doesn't have to make eye contact.

Tell him you love him but his behaviour is not on. He needs to stop the hitting and taking things or there will be consequences. See them through. But tell him you are there to listen anytime if he wants to offload

Good luck

Choconut · 21/11/2022 21:16

Possible ADHD or ASD perhaps or he's very, very unhappy due to something like bullying maybe?

Hesleepswiththefishes · 21/11/2022 21:18

Very unhappy, could anything be happening at school, he’s not looking after himself

frustration? What does he do outside of school/gaming?

Eupraxia · 21/11/2022 21:20

Was he playing FIFA?

LucyLiz22 · 21/11/2022 21:23

Hesleepswiththefishes · 21/11/2022 21:18

Very unhappy, could anything be happening at school, he’s not looking after himself

frustration? What does he do outside of school/gaming?

Literally nothing. He doesn’t have any friends out of school. He’s in yr 9 and has never gone out after school with any of them. He had one friend who he would get a lift with and his parents banned him because he was waving a plastic knife in their young child’s face on day after school. (I was mortified). He doesn’t do anything or go anywhere, we try and ask him if he wants to do anything, sports, clubs, etc and he says he doesn't care. I do feel sad that he doesn’t have any friends to play with, but then I ask him if he wants to move schools and he doesn’t.

OP posts:
LucyLiz22 · 21/11/2022 21:24

Eupraxia · 21/11/2022 21:20

Was he playing FIFA?

That or Fortnite.

OP posts:
Ratherdampbelowstairs · 21/11/2022 21:26

The angry behaviour when playing on computer. I’d cry if you continually kept asking why I did something.
Re- the other stuff. Certainly sounds like ADHD. Do some reading up on it and get him help.

AriettyHomily · 21/11/2022 21:28

It's ether Xbox away.

LucyLiz22 · 21/11/2022 21:35

dolor · 21/11/2022 21:13

ADHD and hormones.

(Before anyone shouts at me, I have ADHD, so does my brother, and this was him to a T as a teenager).

I’ve just looked up the ADHD symptoms and while there are a few, the main ones just aren’t him. He is very clever and does well academically in school. He does get told off for typical boy behaviour. But never for disrupting, lack of concentration or irritability. He can concentrate on things if he needs too. He can apply himself when he needs too. He would just rather do everything else other than.

OP posts:
Hesleepswiththefishes · 21/11/2022 21:39

I have a 15 yr old and 13 yr old so Im Between (plus older teen)

he sounds desperately unhappy

has he got any signs of puberty yet?

does he have anything he wants to plan/look forward to?
Is he going to do d of e?

can you control wifi access…this is what I do rather than bicker, I can pause devices after a warning…I’m fair like 930/10

does he earn pocket money?

boys at 13 don’t tend to have sleepovers after primary (in my experience) rarely meet up..maybe trampolining or cinema

LucyLiz22 · 21/11/2022 21:49

Hesleepswiththefishes · 21/11/2022 21:39

I have a 15 yr old and 13 yr old so Im Between (plus older teen)

he sounds desperately unhappy

has he got any signs of puberty yet?

does he have anything he wants to plan/look forward to?
Is he going to do d of e?

can you control wifi access…this is what I do rather than bicker, I can pause devices after a warning…I’m fair like 930/10

does he earn pocket money?

boys at 13 don’t tend to have sleepovers after primary (in my experience) rarely meet up..maybe trampolining or cinema

He does get pocket money but he has to do his things to earn it which are literally make your bed and keep your room tidy. But he very rarely sticks to it. He will do it for a week. Get some money, spend it instantly on football cards and then he’ll stop. And the next week when he hasn’t done any of his chores all week and is told he hasn’t earnt his money, he gets mad and cries.
He loves football and goes to matches with his Dad and grandad. He watched the WC tonight with us. But he won’t go to practice. He won’t go to any clubs. He doesn’t like leaving the house. We use to take him with us to play areas with his sister but he would end up hurting all the other kids and getting us thrown out. So that stopped. We try so hard to get him to do things and he just isn’t bothered. He’s got everything he’s every wanted at home. If he said he wanted to go somewhere; we would take him. He just doesn’t want to do anything. Ever.

OP posts:
LucyLiz22 · 21/11/2022 21:50

Hesleepswiththefishes · 21/11/2022 21:39

I have a 15 yr old and 13 yr old so Im Between (plus older teen)

he sounds desperately unhappy

has he got any signs of puberty yet?

does he have anything he wants to plan/look forward to?
Is he going to do d of e?

can you control wifi access…this is what I do rather than bicker, I can pause devices after a warning…I’m fair like 930/10

does he earn pocket money?

boys at 13 don’t tend to have sleepovers after primary (in my experience) rarely meet up..maybe trampolining or cinema

Ow and in regards to the puberty, only thing I’ve noticed is his smell. The BO. Nothing else.

OP posts:
Cookingutensil · 21/11/2022 21:57

I'd second ADHD, tho I see you say he does well at school. I did well at school but found it excruciatingly boring, I was almost out of my mind with frustration, only realised I had ADHD when my daughter was diagnosed. Don't necessarily dismiss it.

waterrat · 21/11/2022 22:04

He is unhappy. Its bloody hard isnnt it parenting an unhappy child. It sounds like he needs some radical changes. He tries some new things...activities...youth clubs...climbing wall ? Clubs at school ? As part of a nrw deal ?

Family counselling ? Could he be autistic ? Lack of social skills...no friends (i have an asd child).

How much timr is he spending gamjng? Sounds like he is lonely and the gaming isnt good for him

I know how hard it is Op..sympathies..coupd you open up to family friends thar its tough and do some joint days out ?

minisoksmakehardwork · 21/11/2022 22:06

I was academically fine but socially inept in school. Got an Adhd diagnosis as an adult. Knowing has made a world of difference for me so I wouldn't rule it out without investigation.

LucyLiz22 · 21/11/2022 22:12

waterrat · 21/11/2022 22:04

He is unhappy. Its bloody hard isnnt it parenting an unhappy child. It sounds like he needs some radical changes. He tries some new things...activities...youth clubs...climbing wall ? Clubs at school ? As part of a nrw deal ?

Family counselling ? Could he be autistic ? Lack of social skills...no friends (i have an asd child).

How much timr is he spending gamjng? Sounds like he is lonely and the gaming isnt good for him

I know how hard it is Op..sympathies..coupd you open up to family friends thar its tough and do some joint days out ?

We’ve tried to get him to do after school stuff and he isn’t bothered. He will come and do things with us. We hike a lot and he comes with us sometimes. He goes to the football. GoApe, Climbing, Trampolining, Mini Golf, Cinema, you name it, we do it with him. But he won’t do things for himself. He did recently ask to join the gym and I did it for him and he never went. He goes swimming on a Thursday (competitive) and he stays overnight at his grandparents on Fridays. He does lots that include him, that include others, and we all do things together. But when it comes to friends, leaving the house on his own and doing things for himself, he won’t.

OP posts:
incognitocheeto · 21/11/2022 22:14

The angry outbursts could be due to what he's playing. I've got a lovely kind son but when he plays Fortnite he turns into someone else. Soooo hyped up and angry it's like he's just mainlined cocaine.
All the boys I know who play it get super mad. But it's a double edged sword because for some teens it's the only method of socialising.

watcherintherye · 21/11/2022 22:15

Eupraxia · 21/11/2022 21:20

Was he playing FIFA?

Yes, even though FIFA might appear to be relatively innocuous in the gaming world, it seems to have the capacity to enrage the participants like no other game!

waterrat · 22/11/2022 09:08

How long has he seemed socially unhappy ? Did he have friends at primary? Longstanding problems connecting socially to his peers could be linked to asd.

Could school offer support with this ?

Urher · 22/11/2022 09:59

ADHD does not mean he isn’t clever or “academically good at school” that’s the biggest misconception in the world!!!! I myself have ADHD and ASD and that has never stopped me academically. ADHD is more to do with struggling with change also relates to anxiety and anger issues. Some kids are different with their needs. Maybe his lower on the spectrum?

dolor · 22/11/2022 16:48

LucyLiz22 · 21/11/2022 21:35

I’ve just looked up the ADHD symptoms and while there are a few, the main ones just aren’t him. He is very clever and does well academically in school. He does get told off for typical boy behaviour. But never for disrupting, lack of concentration or irritability. He can concentrate on things if he needs too. He can apply himself when he needs too. He would just rather do everything else other than.

You don't have to have every single symptom on the list to be diagnosed, but what you're describing is on the list, and there are different types of ADHD, and they differ for male and female biology. What do you class as typical boy behaviour?

PritiPatelsMaker · 22/11/2022 20:46

How many hours a day is he on his Xbox @LucyLiz22?

PritiPatelsMaker · 22/11/2022 20:49

Sorry I've done the typical MN thing of not answering your question.

Yes, he does need help. I think you should be talking to the school about your concerns.

SabbatWheel · 22/11/2022 20:53

Our DC needed time away from the XBOX, a number of weeks - was like having a different child. We did more together, was all round more pleasant. No harm in restricting use (at all / or timed restrictions) in my opinion.