How open do you expect your 17 year old to be?

[Sparkler123]

That’s it really. I’d like my dd to be more open with me eg her telling me things I might not be overly happy with rather than me finding out or her lying . Eg vaping, drinking, etc.
Any thoughts?

No I expect them to have their own private world.

But if I did find out they were vaping etc they know I'd just tell them off/ wouldn't tolerate it. So I'm not surprised they keep quiet. I suppose I'm lucky, mine haven't been problem teens. They seem sensible so I trust them.

I don't think it's healthy for parents to know every in and out of an over 14/15 year olds life.

@caroleanboneparte thanks - I know exactly what you mean but I’d say the subject of vaping /smoking came up (and they’d been doing it) would you expect to them to tell you. Or you you only expect to find out if you asked directly or had evidence.

I expect mine lies to me a bit, she talks constantly so I have a pretty good idea of all the 'little' things going in her life, like who her friends are dating and whose parties she is going to. I know she shares the big things because historically she has always come to me with things that are too much for her to handle.

But realistically she is nearly an adult, so why would she be ratting herself out to her mum about occasionally taking a hit off a joint at a party or getting tipsy at a gathering. To be fair to her she probably would tell me that anyway because she knows I wouldn't be angry.

But I trust her, she seems to have pretty good judgement. It's very normal for teens to push boundaries and try and get away with doing thing that are a bit stupid- and normal not to tell their parents, especially if it would only get them in trouble. I wouldn't expect anyone to report all of their silly behaviour to their parents- why would they? As long as she knows she can come to me when she needs me, then I don't mind giving her the space to make her own mistakes without judgement.

@SpiritedSneeze thanks for your reply , sounds like you have a great approach. Thing is I wouldn’t be angry either, the only thing that really upsets me is if she lies. But where is the distinction between withholding information and lying….

My DD1 was very open. I knew when she had been drinking, when she had tried smoking, who her boyfriends were etc. DD2 was a closed book. She told me nothing at that age. Both have turned in to perfectly decent adults. DD1 still has a tendency to tell me everything and DD2 still likes to keep things to herself but she will divulge stuff of importance - eventually!

Personally, I wouldn't ask about things I don't need to know. So I have never asked if she has tried vaping so she has never had to lie.

If she wants to tell me she will- if I actually really need to know in an emergency situation then I would ask and expect honesty

I would not expect her to tell me otherwise- she is entitled to a private life- if I don't go prying than she won't feel like she has to lie to me. She tells me what she is okay with me knowing and so far it has worked well.

@SpiritedSneeze thsnk you. Maybe I should just ask less stuff. I kind of expected her to have a go of vaping. I’d prefer her not to do it regularly though. I found out she’d been doing it and when I asked her directly she admitted it.
I must try to ask less

Did you tell your parents everything you did at that age? I know i didn't !

@ApolloandDaphne thank you, that’s interesting to know. Did you trying asking the one who was less open or just leave her to tell you stuff if/when she wanted to? I really struggle with not asking questions, get lying,, etc

I agree with most. At 17 they have a right to privacy and to make their own mistakes. You have to put the work in much earlier than that and hope some of it sticks.

@bigbluebus no but mine were quite Victorian and I’m not at all!!!!

I lost my cherry at 14. I didn't share that with my mother !.

They are open with what they want to be at that age.

They won't tell you the truth if you pry into stuff they don't want to tell you anyway.

It's not healthy for a 17 year old to be completely open with a parent anyway.

So were mine and I'm not either!
My DS probably didn't tell me everything at 17 but we had open discussions around sex, drugs, safety .

@bigbluebus thanks. We have those conversations too but I’m really not sure how much of it mine takes seriously

I just feel like such a failure as a parent sometimes 😢

I find it quite odd that DS16 is happy to share that he got drunk at a party and that as DPs we are expected to buy the booze for the parties these days ( thread the other week).

I think it's perfectly normal for a teen not to want to share all the aspects of their life. Unless you suspect she's taking drugs or having unprotected sex, leave her to it.

I learned just to leave it. The more I probed, the more she closed up. She often told her sister stuff before she told me so I knew if there was big issue I would know eventually. Just keep the channels of communication open and leave it there.

@ApolloandDaphne thanks, I don’t suspect either of those. Just know about vaping (now). Drinking in moderation at parties she’s open about and I’m ok with it.