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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

17 year old daughter

11 replies

LadyBrienne · 15/11/2022 08:04

Tips please
we have always got on well until the last 3 months and somehow I’ve become the wicked witch
what are your top tips to maintain a good relationship with you daughter as she goes from teen to adult
please no trolls or critical posts - I’m looking for solid kind thoughtful advice from mums who have “been there done that”

OP posts:
CrispsnDips · 15/11/2022 08:07

My daughter is 17, I just stay out of her way when she’s being difficult 😁 I’m hoping she will mellow once she’s out of her teenage years…

Brefugee · 15/11/2022 08:11

It's a horrible time but you just have to get through it. I just carried on doing my thing, doing what i usually did for her (cooking, laundry, taxi service) but when she was being particularly vile one time i asked her if we needed to change our roles a little. So she started doing her own laundry and she only got a taxi service (we live in the middle of nowhere, my choice, so i did provide this more than some might do it) when she asked in advance and i didn't change my plans to suit her. We started off on the assumption that she would be home for food and we'd put some aside if she was home later than we wanted to eat, but we changed that to she would tell us if she was planning to eat with us and otherwise she only ate what we cooked if there were leftovers.

But some days were awful, some days were great and mostly we rubbed along quite well.

mondaytosunday · 15/11/2022 08:51

Leave the room. I just take myself away from her. Though truth be told she's only a bit snippy if super stressed or has her period. And she definitely picks up on my mood - so watch that: make sure you aren't being short and a bit bossy with her first.

Original poster
LadyBrienne · 15/11/2022 17:55

Thank you for these words of advice - appreciate it

OP posts:
Original poster
LadyBrienne · 15/11/2022 20:29

If anyone else has more words of advice - happy to hear them 😢

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 15/11/2022 20:30

What does it look like? The behaviour.

UWhatNow · 15/11/2022 20:40

If she’s rude then I will turn very cold and unemotional and speak to her like an adult and say something (calmly) ‘you don’t need to raise your voice, I’m only trying to help. I see my help isn’t wanted so I’ll leave but I don’t deserve you speaking to me like that.’ (And walk away - ignore - carry on your life).

If she’s clearly upset and just kicking off because she’s angry or frustrated - I’ll ask her to talk to me. In a gentle voice ‘What’s up lovely? What’s making you so angry?’ or I try to make her laugh or distract her.

It’s hard being a 17 year old young woman these days. They need their mum to be boringly ‘in charge’, consistent and kind. A lot of their angst is justified and I think of all the effort we put into calming the storms and tears when they were tiny - what a waste if we can’t also love and calm them at 17.

junebirthdaygirl · 15/11/2022 20:42

Start each day afresh. So even if you have words today..move on and tomorrow start again. Don't be tempted to go into any little moods yourself. If she is lippy or shouty call her on it every time but without making a big fuss so just say..please don't speak to me like that..end of!
This won't last so engage in as little of the drama as possible.

Ignore as much as possible as regards what she wears/ hair / make up etc. Its not worth bothering with.
Take her out for coffee, breakfast etc as she is more likely to be pleasant in public.
Let her have her friends around and take an interest in them.

WorldWideNomad · 15/11/2022 20:47

Oh God, yes to start each day afresh.

My DD (youngest child, turned 18 in August) thinks that me withdrawing when she's having a rant at me is me being "passive aggressive", so you sometimes just can't win.

In those situations, I just tend to be boringly myself and get on with domestic jobs, and wait for a clean slate tomorrow.

Other things that have helped are: let her friends stay with no questions asked (until they've gone). Refuse to oblige with lifts/money/whatever when she's acting rude/entitled. Try to enjoy the good moments and find at least some common ground (I've found this hard with my DD as her interests and mine are poles apart). I've had to watch all kinds of boring shit on TikTok and show due interest. But it's a small thing to do, and clearly makes her feel that I'm interested in her world.

Don't engage with drama.

Campervangirl · 15/11/2022 20:50

Pick your battles.
Don't sweat the small stuff.
Snippy attitude - ignore
Outright rudeness - address
Have adult conversations and try to remember what it's like to be 17.
Treat her like she's the adult that she's on the cusp of becoming but set your stall out, she needs to treat you with the same respect that you treat her.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with stating it outright, you don't shout, swear, be rude etc to her and you won't put up with it towards you.
Listen, don't preach and try to make time to do things together if she's open to it.

Frenchfancy · 15/11/2022 20:53

Pick your battles.
Tell her you are proud of her.
Ask for a hug.
Don't be a doormat.
Tell her if she is being rude or disrespectful.
Listen to her. Ask her opinion.

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