Struggling with ASD DD, 14

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Just finding it so hard with DD and I know I could post on the SEN or child mental health boards but this seems a bit busier and am struggling to unpick what might be SEN (recently diagnosed ASD) and what is just being a teen.

she seemed a totally ‘normal’ kid at primary school but was a bit shy and struggled a little with change. She’s at a busy, slightly chaotic large city secondary and while is academically able and has a couple of friends she does nothing outside of school, rarely leaves her room, apart from hanging out with her one or two friends a little for short periods after school occasionally she doesn’t go out (v occasionally walks the dog that she wanted or mooches alone around charity shops).

she is insanely protective of her room, her dad and I never go in there, I think this is why she never has friends over, she also struggles with self care, eg bringing out washing/changing sheets/washing herself/toenails etc, it’s like she doesn’t realise they need to be done, I was a messy teen/soap dodging teen myself but I didn’t mind my mum going into my room and having a quick grab of dirty clothes etc.

our relationship is so tense, she is having counselling but it seems to have stalled, I hate seeing her so isolated while friends’ children spread their wings but then I don’t know if I should just be happy that she does go to school, that she is screaming less (two years ago we were under Camhs for self harm and suicide ideation) she says she doesn’t want to see people, she says she ‘hates people’, can this be the ASD or teen angst or just trying to shock me?

I guess what I am asking is the improvement on two years ago and progress at school, is that enough, I am expecting too much that she would start to look after herself/her environment and also build a life outside school/home.

really grateful for anyone else’s experiences.

With ASD it is highly likely DD would benefit from SALT. SALT is about far more than the physical ability to speak. The MH support could tap in to whatever DD enjoys - art, music, gaming, animals… It doesn’t have to be direct support. OT can also help with any sensory differences, social skills and help regulate emotions.

thanks so much all, especially @AvocadoParsnip , I have replied to your DM. This thread has given me loads to think about and look into but it’s also given me a lot of comfort that we might not always get it right for DD but we are maybe in the right ballpark with pretty low expectations of socialising outside of school at the moment and moving slowly towards getting her to take a little more responsibility for herself/her room while understanding she needs a lot of help and there will be times this is too much.

I chatted to her therapist today and DD has told her how overwhelming and scary she can find school, so we will be looking to ways to help there and giving her lots of time to decompress outside.

Hi OP, my DS (16) was diagnosed with ASD shortly after starting secondary school. I'm sorry your DD seems unhappy.

From my experience, what has worked for DS with washing/self care is a very fixed routine, a wall-chart and a chat about the routine (eg, clean whole body, shampoo hair, rub it in, rinse hair after shampooing, hang up wet towels, put on clean clothes afterwards). So for my DS, he has a shower and hair-wash every second day, and then Saturday mornings he cleans his room and cuts his nails.
We mark all this on the wall-chart, with blue for the days he showers, and then green for the time he does his room and nails.

By 'cleans his room' again we break it down into tasks and I do help him a little sometimes, often just by keeping him company or helping him find fresh sheets etc. We might plan to do something funn-ish straight afterwards.

In terms of the social aspect, maybe you should be happy that she seems in a better place now, and that she likes her room. You could ask her if she'd like to decorate it or make it cosier as she seems happy there.

I'd say the main thing is for her to know you're on her side, accept her for who she is but want to make sure she has nice surroundings and feels nice and fresh (or whatever values she might have around being clean). I'd say don't spend much time figuring out what's her being a teen and what's problematic, most young people need a bit of a hand with navigating those years but of course everyone's different, and her ASD might make things unusually challenging. Good luck.