Talk to me about the conversations I need to be having. Son's first girlfriend.

[Hedgehogsaremything]

I have a DS14 who has finally admitted he has his first girlfriend. It was obvious to me and DH but took some gentle, direct questions from me to get him talking about it.

He is spending time at her house, so far not ours. She has her own room (he shares with his brother). I do not know her family so don't know how they feel about it, what they think of my son, their boundaries.

I have failed miserably in having conversations with him before this. I know I need to talk about:

• consent and he understands that it covers any intimate contact, both his and hers.
• the fact that they are both under 16
• phone use (pics, vulnerability)
• time spent alone (respecting wider family rules/boundaries)

It is really early days but I want to start the conversations now. Anyone have any advice? What other things can I add to this list?

I’d add that the boyfriend-girlfriend relationship is new to his life and obviously he’ll want to make space for it. He’ll want them to spend time together. That doesn’t mean that he or she should/should be expected to drop friends or sports commitments or family time. It’s important to keep a balance.

Additional to the very wise keeping a balance comment.

That they are too young to have sex legally & emotionally. But that if they must have sex then they must use a condom and if it breaks they must act asap. That any failure in contraception will mean he is left with no choice as to whether he becomes a father or not.

Thank you for replying @FlorettaB I did start to talk to him yesterday about friendships and how important they are, but yes, balance is a good tack.

Yes! @TeenDivided Not least because he has a younger brother for this very reason...
Condoms condoms condoms... on the list.

Don't let pregnancy be because of embarrassment at obtaining condoms.
Buy some condoms and put them in the bathroom cupboard. Tell him that he is too young for sex but they are there for the future if the need arises.
Tell him always to use condoms even if a girl says she is on the pill because he should never allow someone else to decide for him that he should conceive a child.

I bought condoms and put them in the bathroom drawer, told my DD's where they could find them if required and I was there if they wanted to talk. Took dd2 to get the pill at 16 (she said heavy periods but ...) dd1 is more secretive but knows she can talk to me

No point burying my head in the sand, I knew they would do the opposite if I lectured them on sex

Also a good idea @Mosik @gogohmm

My son wasn’t much older than yours. Condoms are a must. I talked to my son about the effect of a pregnancy on both of them but stressed it would be much harder on her.
I asked him how he would feel if a baby of his was being brought up with no input from him
i asked how he would feel if the baby was aborted.
finally, and my son said this was the best piece of advice , I told him to carry on seeing his friends and to go out with them and not just see his girlfriend.

Talk to him about what a healthy relationship is.
What coercive control is.
Respect - consent, manipulation, personal boundaries, red flags - yes, even at this tender age.